PRESIDENT-ELECT MORON ADDRESSES ECONOMIC CONCERNS AND
OFFERS NEW TAX CUT
By HSRE Brain
Austin, TX - 12/22/00 President-Elect Moron was questioned by reporters today about the state of the economy, and he promised that indeed the state of Economy would receive fair and equal treatment under the Moron Administration, even though he had not carried the state in the general election. Reporters held back snickers and asked P-E Moron about the possibility of recession. He replied that he had not had the time to consider recession, since he had been too busy awarding Cabinet positions to former President Moron Sr. officials. However, he pledged to look into the matter, as he recalled fond memories of dodge-ball on the playground after lunchtime. Finally, when asked if his proposed $1.3 trillion tax cut would help bolster the sagging world economy, PM offered the world an early christmas present and vowed to push hard for a $912 quadrillion tax cut for the world. The U.S. stock market responded quickly to this cheery holiday proposal by rallying on Friday, with the NASDAQ climbing over 7.5% at closing. When told about the stock rally later at the family spread in Crawford, Texas, PM replied "Gee, this presidentially stuff is a piece of cake!"
PRESIDENT-ELECT MORON NAMES ATTORNEY GENERAL AND EPA ADMINISTRATOR
By Jay O'Three
AUSTIN, TX - 12/22/00 President-Elect Moron today selected defeated arch-conservative Missouri Senator John Ashcroft to serve as the next Attorney General. This portends a newer, more inept Department of Justice in that Ashcroft was not even able to win an election against a corpse. "His brand of failure is just what we need when public outcry forces us to go after corporate wrongdoers. We wouldn't want to hurt our best friends now, would we?" President-Elect Moron said.
The former Governor of the most polluted state in the nation also named the Governor of the second most polluted state as the next Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency. Christie (what happened to Todd?) Whitman, the Republican Governor of New Jersey will bring her unique style of hands-off management to the new position assuring that pollution and exploitation of federal land go unchecked. President-Elect Moron commanded, "Let precious oil flow over all our national treasures. Let not polluters fear, we won't be watching you."
PRESIDENT MORON RESIGNS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
By Jay O'Three
AUSTIN, TX - 12/21/00 In a tearful address today, President-Elect Moron resigned as Governor of Texas. All remaining death row inmates in that state heaved a sigh of relief. In a related development, share prices of Sandoz, the makers of "lethal injection" sera fell to a new 52 week low.
INVESTORS COME OUT OF COMA
By HSRE Brain
New York, NY - 12/20/00 Following the meeting of the electoral college and news that President-Elect Moron will resign the Texas governorship Thursday, the Nasdaq composite index plunged to its lowest level in 20 months as investors realized that its really, really, true - The Moron will be sworn in as 43rd president of the U.S. Analysts immediately began downgrading tech stocks and tech giants such as ATT and Microsoft released corporate results warnings when it also dawned on them that "The Dick" Cheney will become Veep. As investors were selling and selling, President Moron appeared undaunted when asked about the run on technology because he doesn't really understand all those letters and numbers that go streaming by on the stock ticker.
PRESIDENT MORON'S NEWEST CABINET APPOINTMENTS SHOCK THE
NATION
By HSRE Brain
AUSTIN, TX 12/20/00 In a completely stunning move, President Moron announced three more Cabinet positions which include one of his closest friends, a Florida campaign manager, and a former member of President Moron Sr.'s administration. Heading the list of the newly annointed is his former campaign chairman Don Evans. Evans was also President Moron's lead fundraiser in his $100 million campaign and thus necessarily qualified for commerce secretary. In an equally unbelievable move, President Moron nominated a Florida campaign manager, Mel Martinez, as housing secretary, who, in an apparently unrelated circumstance, is also a close ally of the First Brother. Who would have thought? Finally, PM chose Ann Veneman as head of agriculture. When told that Ms. Veneman was deputy secretary for international affairs and commodities programs during Daddy's administration, President Moron just smirked. Asked for comment, the nation replied that it was "shocked, and stunned, very stunned."
PRESIDENT MORON NAMES ALCOA'S PAUL O'NEIL AS TREASURY
SECRETARY
By Jay O'Three
AUSTIN, TX - 12/20/00 President-Elect Moron today named Alcoa Chairman Paul O'Neil as Treasury Secretary. He said it was improtant to have easy access to large amounts of aluminum foil to make the vast array of aluminum helmets we will all be wearing when the aliens try to control our brains with radio waves. Observers noted that this was a fresh new approach to the actual role of a Treasury Secretary. Before donning his personal foil helmet, President-Elect Moron was heard to say, "beep, beep, bzzt, surrender earthlings!"
PRESIDENT MORON MEETS WITH PRESIDENT CLINTON
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 12/19/00 President-Elect Moron today went to Daddy's Old House and met with President Bill Clinton. As the two sat side by side and President Clinton again displayed his extraordinary media savvy and raw intellect, the terrifying lack of intelligence of our beloved President-Elect was drawn into even clearer focus. Our doom is assured when the smartest president of the last 100 years is replaced with what we can only hope is the dumbest president ever.
President-Elect Moron made one statement, and that was corrected by Helen Thomas who is getting an early start on the task ahead. Apparently President-Elect Moron was not aware that protocol required that he meet with the President, it was not just an "honor." He added that he was excited to be on the White House tour, and was looking forward to the gift shop afterwards, but expressed disappointment at the lack of pony rides.
MEXICAN VOLCANO BLOWS ITS TOP
By Jota O'Tres
MEXICO CITY - 12/19/00 Mexico, having recently recovered from 70 years of one party rule was not going to risk guilt by association with President-Elect Moron. A volcano outside of the city began spewing out lava in a concerted effort to distance itself from Washington by placing more terrain between the capitals of the two nations. This unprecedented intentional continental drift may foreshadow a time when all nations adjacent to the US actually leave to join other continents.
PRESIDENT-ELECT MORON VOWS TO CUT TEXAS
By HSRE Brain
WASHINGTON, DC - 12/18/00 As several news and watchdog groups began counting Florida undervotes under the Freedom of Information Act, President-Elect Moron today met with Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan and Congress' bipartisan leadership and insisted that he will be sticking to his plan to cut Texas. President Moron claimed that $1.3 trillion would be returned to the American people under the Texas cut. "I campaigned on a Texas-relief package that I firmly believed then, and believe even more now, is important as a insurance policy against any economic downturn." Texas was unable to comment as it has no apparent brains.
PRESIDENT MORON GOES TO WASHINGTON
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 12/18/00 President-Elect Moron went to Washington, DC today to meet with various congressional leaders. He promised that his presidency would be as empty as his campaign. He claimed that he understood that the legislature's role was to make the laws and that his role as the "executive" was to execute people.
At a press conference afterwards, he laid out more fully his tax cut plan. "Here's the way it works. Your taxes will be lower because your income will be lower!" We will outlaw any income going to anyone who is not one of our contributors, and that way everyone else's tax burden will be reduced.
PRESIDENT-ELECT MORON TAPS COLIN POWELL
By Jay O'Three
CRAWFORD, TX - 12/16/00 In a move designed to produce yawns from coast to coast, President-Elect Moron today tapped Colin Powell to be the 65th Secretary of State. The peculiar use of the word "tap" was meant to foreshadow President-Elect Moron's plans for the aging general. He will ultimately be drained and returned to the liquor store for a refund.
As our readers are well aware, it is unlawful to say anything bad about Colin Powell. In this spirit, the only observation we can offer is that during his waging of the Gulf War, the most lethal weapon unleashed against American troops was "friendly fire." Godspeed, General!
PM ANNOUNCES NO ANNOUNCEMENTS BREAUX SAYS NEAUX
By Jay O'Three
AUSTIN, TX - 12/15/00 President-Elect Moron today announced that there would be no announcements today. Sen. John Breaux (D LA) respectfully told President-Elect Moron to get bent.
BUSH WEIGHS IN ON CALIFORNIA POWER SHORTAGE
AUSTIN, TX - 12/15/00 President-Elect Moron remarked today that "rolling blackouts" were no big deal. "Hell, I used to have 'em all the time. In Maine that time, I had a rolling blackout that lasted all the way into the next week!" He then added cryptically, "The neighbor's trash cans got what they deserved..."
JEB PROMISES TO KEEP FIXING THINGS
By Jay O'Three
TALLAHASSEE, FL - 12/14/00 Fresh from his victory in the Supreme Court, Jeb Bush and "Friend" Katherine Harris vow to keep up the fixing. "Now that we have fixed the election, we will of course go after the voting machines." He indicated that in light of the controversy over the recent election, he will appoint a task force to determine the most efficient way to assure that NO Democratic votes are ever counted again.
"I can't believe how much power I have!" Harris was heard to gush. "Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that I don't have to do anything I don't want to, I am hereby certifying the next ten elections so as to avoid any confusion over their outcomes." This was apparently offered in the new spirit of bipartisanship which has swept through the extreme right wing of Florida's executive branch.
SHADOW GOVERNMENT TO MOVE DOWNTOWN
By Jay O'Three
McLEAN, VA - 12/14/00 In a terrifyingly silly ceremony today, Dick Cheney was given a "Smart Card" which was purported to provide access to the GSA Presidential Transition Office at 1616 G St in Washington, DC. "Although we will carry on 'official' transition business at this new office, we are not going to give up our private office space in McLean. It's just a lot easier to carry out the sorts of nefarious activities in which we are engaged outside of the public eye." Cheney went on to explain how messy summary executions could be and that the surveilance equipment had already been installed in the hardened bunker beneath their current office complex. He promised that FBI background checks would begin immediately, and that anyone who had voted against them would pay, and pay dearly. This was also apparently offered in the new spirit of bipartisanship which is still sweeping through all places moronic.
BUSH PROMISES BIPARTISAN CABINET
By Jay O'Three
AUSTIN, TX - 12/14/00 In a move designed to demonstrate his new spirit of bipartisanship, President-Elect Moron has announced that he will select one cabinet from Home Depot, and one from Lowes.
Bush to be smitten later today
12-13-00 In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' [Moron]."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
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