PRESIDENT MORON PARAPHRASES GOLDILOCKS
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/27/01 Rising above and beyond the lowered expectations of
his first address to a joint session of Congress, President MORON outdid himself in
erudition tonight. The high point of his rhetorical performance came when he
proclaimed, "Some say my tax plan is too big. Others say it is too small.
I respectfully disagree. This plan is just right."
PRESIDENT MORON REHEARSES SPEECH, AMERICA REHEARSES YAWNS
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/27/01 President MORON has had two Teleprompters moved into the White House today
in order to practice his speech scheduled for this evening. This is to give the impression that
every stutter, stumble, mispronunciation, malapropism and grammatical error is intentional. The White
House is relying on the fundamental premise that a lie repeated often enough will eventually be believed.
Although the tax cut idea rang hollow throughout the campaign season, it was nonetheless made the
centerpiece of the Administration's "War on America" agenda. This agenda of course also encompasses the
"War on the Environment," the "War on the Middle Class," the "War on Women," the "War on Minorities,"
the "War on The Constitution," and the "War on Intellectualism."
In a related story, Americans are warming up their thumbs to flip remote controls as fast as humanly
possible. Although Banana Republicans are trying to stop the broadcast of such favorites as Home Shopping
Channel, and The Cartoon Network, there is little hope that these counter measures will thwart the
mass migration of viewers away from the travesty at hand. Ari Fleischer, White House Press Spokesperson
said, "There is nothing we can do to keep Americans interested, so while they are not looking, we are going
to ram through the most unpalatable agenda possible. Behind the broken oratory will lurk a
sleeping dragon of exclusion, elitism, and disenfranchisement of all citizens not worthy of our
attentions."
MURKOWSKI DECLARES WAR ON ALASKAN CARIBOU
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/26/01 Senator Dan Murkowski (R - Alaska) today introduced a bill to rid
his state of its nagging "pristine wilderness" problem once and for all. This was in keeping with
President MORON's stated goal of opening every last square foot of Alaska to oil drilling.
"Look, it doesn't even matter that there are only 6 month's worth of oil, and that it will take
ten years to develop, what matters is that those caribou are not paying taxes and are not providing
any value to the nation. 95% of Alaska has already been cleared for drilling, and that last 5% just
has to be opened! Frankly, I don't understand why President MORON hasn't sent in troops already,"
Murkowski commented.
COLIN BRINGS FRESH APPROACH TO MIDDLE EAST PEACE TALKS
By HSRE Brain
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL/PALESTINE - 2/24/01 Beginning a four day tour that will
take in the sights of Israel, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Syria and Kuwait,
Secretary of State Colin Powell today delivered a forceful statement to
Palestinian and Israeli leaders, urging that they should find a way to end
the violence between themselves and bring "peace and prosperity" to the
region. World leaders were stupefied that this tactic had never before been
attempted by previous US administrations and lauded the New MORONICON for
taking such a novel and fresh approach to the centuries old conflict.
Following a briefing by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, Powell admitted
that he had been out of the loop for a while but was "disturbed" to learn
the extent of violence in the region and promised he would discuss the
matter with Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat on Sunday. "I initially thought
the Middle East was only an oil, uh, I mean an Iraqi problem, but apparently
it is more complicated than that. I simply am not exactly sure who to bomb
now."
PRESIDENT MORON STEPPIN' OUT
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, D.C. - 2/23/01 President MORON and his woman were officially
introduced to Warshington society by Katharine Graham, chairman of the
executive committee of the Warshington Post, at her posh Georgetown home
Wednesday evening. Along with members of the MORONIC Cabinet and The DICK,
President MORON was greeted by ordinary members of Beltway society including
billionaire businessmen Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Steve Case, thus
providing the MORON with new nickname opportunities - Pee Wee, Scooter and
Dizzy?
In a related story, President MORON held his first press conference yesterday
and discussed Swiss cheese and Christmas trees. Demonstrating a strong
understanding of the will of the Amerkin people, the MORON stated (directly)
"I'm beginning to travel around the country to important states. All states
are important, of course, but some states may be more important than others
right now in trying to convince some lawmakers to hear the message of the
people." At last count, there are 30 "important" states, representing 271
electoral votes, notwithstanding Florida.
PRESIDENT MORON HITS THE BOOKS AGAIN
by HSRE Brain
ST. LOUIS, MO - 2/20/01 In keeping with his promise to make Amerka more
"edge-U-kated", President MORON attended two more elementary school classes
today in Ohio and Missourah. While spending the morning attempting to read
at the fourth grade level, the MORON promoted a school testing model he
established while governor. Students in Texas are taught a "blueprint" to
successfully pass a Readin' & Ritin' test and teachers and administrations
are held "accountable" if their students fail. Texas education officials
point out that in 1999, 80% who took the test passed, as opposed to a 54%
pass rate in 1994, the first year of testing.
Independent studies reveal that the tests are indeed successful - successful
at creating drop-outs which inflate the scoring figures. Current figures
reveal an almost 10% early drop-out rate and that 25-30% of Texas students
fail to graduate high school, with that figure rising to 40% for minorities.
Moreover, SAT scores have not increased during that time frame, and over 50%
fail college readiness tests. Undaunted by these liberal attack figures,
President MORON remarked "Early readin's important, early and continued
testin's important, and I know that the rest of Amerka wants as good as
edge-U-kation as we gets in Texas. I know if I has to pass tests in grade
school I might have been accepted to law school." President MORON offered no
comment on the topic of Speakin' tests.
PRESIDENT MORON CELEBRATES PRESIDENT MORON'S DAY
By Jay O'Three
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - 2/19/01 President MORON said, "Far greater was your care for one
another and that is what 'bringusus' back to this place today." Bringusus indeed.
BOY MEETS WORLD
By HSRE Brain
SAN CRISTOBAL, MEXICO - 2/16/01 Calling it International Day, President MORON took his
Moronic vision on the road today, meeting with the first legitimately elected president of
Mexico, Vicente Fox, while sending his warmest regards to an old pal of Daddy, Saddam
Hussein. Beginning his 'Get to know ya' summit in a tall field of broccoli, President MORON
hopes to re-establish the glory days of the post-war Bracero program which permitted
millions of Mexicans to be mistreated by U.S. farms, railroads, and factories.
In keeping with his international theme, President MORON delivered a hearty "HOWDY" to the
Iraqi people by ordering "a routine mission to enforce the no-fly zone" by U.S. and British
aircraft in "essentially a self-defense measure", thus delivering further BUSH payback (see
article 2/10/01 below). In a related story, President MORON's fledgling Treasury Secretary
Paul O'Neill shocked world currency markets a day before his first really big meeting, a G7 finance
ministers summit in Palermo, Italy, by stating the United States under President MORON
would no longer be pursuing a strong dollar policy. Today's International Day events lend
credence to results of a CBS News poll released yesterday which found President MORON's
first approval ratings lower than those of his predecessors and that the Amerkin public
continues to doubt his ability to manage foreign affairs and his ability to be in control of his
own administration.
PRESIDENT MORON FORGETS WHAT YEAR IT IS AND BOMBS IRAQ AGAIN
By Jay O'Three and HSRE Brain
BAGHDAD, IRAQ - 2/16/01 Fulfilling an age old prophecy, the Great Satan rose again from
its slumber and unleashed its unjust and unholy wrath on the long suffering people of
Iraq. Targeting Command and Control assets the son of "Don Don Bush" has bombed areas south
of Baghdad one more time. When asked about the bombing, President MORON, sunning in Mexico
said, "Don't ask me, Dick's in charge."
NASA CRAFT CRASH-LANDS ON ASTEROID, DOOMS EARTH
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, D.C. - 2/13/01 A spokesperson for President MORON announced today that
the United States would immediately begin the construction of its controversial missile
defense system ( See 2/05/01 article below) after it was revealed that the successful
crash-landing of the NEAR-Shoemaker spacecraft on the asteroid Eros yesterday had pushed
the asteroid into an inevitable collision with earth. A spokesperson for NASA stated that
according to the latest calculations, scientists predicted EROS, a mere 176 million miles away,
would collide with Earth on the evening of April 1, 2001, prematurely ending the MORON
administration absent any intervening force. President MORON attempted to alleviate the
desperate fears of a doomed humanity by announcing that he had already seized control of
the International Space Station program for use as a possible escape pod, and calmly stated, "It
could easily be accomplished with a computer set and programmed to accept factors from
youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills. Of course it
would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster and
impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. Naturally, they would breed
prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But ah with the proper breeding
techniques and a ratio of say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then
work their way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years."
PRESIDENT MORON OPENS NEW TRANSITION OFFICE IN MANHATTAN
By Jay O'Three
NEW YORK, NY - 2/13/01 Continuing his effort to follow Bill Clinton in office,
President Moron today tried to rent office space in Carnegie Towers to set
up a new transition office. "I know the drill by now, I have sent Dick Cheney to
start the transition process in New York. We used his name because he has more
pull in Midtown Manhattan. I will of course occupy the Midtown office until Mr.
Clinton vacates his new Harlem office suite, and then I will move into his office
uptown. I really hoped this transition stuff would be over by now, but I will
just have to be patient until Clarence Thomas says it's OK," President Moron remarked.
CLINTON FACES "SPECTER" OF IMPEACHMENT
By HSRE Brain
NEW YORK, NY - 2/12/01 In the spirit of President MORON's call for unity, Senator Arlen
Specter, R-Pa., a senior member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, stated yesterday on Fox
News Sunday that he was ASSessing the impeachment of former President Clinton. Legal
scholars differ on whether or not the Constitution allows Congress to seek a "technical
impeachment" case against a president who has left office or against the use of his pardon
powers, thus paving the way for another scurrilous Supreme Court decision and affording
Chief Justice Rehnquist additional opportunities for creative courtroom garb. President
MORON, when reached for comment, quipped "I believe that the impeachment of Bill Clinton
is a unifying energy force demanded by the Amerkin people and would urge all members of
Congress to vote to makin it a annual event, like the Greater Galveston Chili Cook-Off
Barbecue and Rodeo."
ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT SETS NEW GUIDELINES FOR DOJ
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/12/01 In his first press conference after his controversial
appointment to the post of Attorney General, John Ashcroft claimed to have met with
every single employee of the department. He also said that he took some advice from
his predecessor in using the term "No Comment" but that the term would have new meaning.
He said that from now on, whenever the term "No Comment" was used, it would actually mean
"Imagine the worst." As in, "Are you considering giving Microsoft a free pass on its flagrant
violation of Anti-Trust laws?" - "No Comment."
MORON ORDERS SUB ATTACK OF JAPAN
By HSRE Brain
Honolulu, HI - 2/10/01 President MORON delivered long awaited BUSH payback
by ordering the nuclear submarine USS Greenville to destroy the Japanese
fishing trawler Ehime Maru near Oahu, Hawaii, yesterday. The attack was
clearly done in retaliation for The MORON's father, ex-president George H.
Bush, who was shot down by Japanese anti-aircraft fire on a mission over the
Pacific as a torpedo bomber pilot in World War Two, over 50 years ago.
Ironically, MORON Sr. was rescued from the water by a U. S. submarine, and
was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross for getting hit and ditching his
aircraft. In a short statement, President MORON affirmed "An elephant never
forgets and neither does a BUSH, Republicans are elephants, right?"
PRESIDENT MORON COMPLETES FOURTH GRADE READING REQUIREMENT
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/9/01 President Moron today visited JC Nalle elementary school and
read aloud before a class of fourth graders in celebration of Black History Month.
Although he stumbled over several words, he successfully completed a selection from
"More Than Anything Else" by Marie Bradby, a picture book based on the childhood
of Booker T. Washington about the importance of learning to read.
He was then invited to add a link to the "reading chain" and
signed his name to a strip of paper bearing the title of the book. The stunned students
were nonetheless relieved to find that the rumors of his illiteracy were somewhat
exaggerated. "Hey, if he can handle fourth grade reading material, I like totally trust
him in those Pentagon nuclear readiness meetings," said a female fourth grade student who
witnessed the event but preferred to remain anonymous.
HOUSE COMMITTEE SET TO INVESTIGATE RICH PARDON
By HSRE Brain
Warshington, D.C.- 2/8/01 Members of the House Government Reform Committee led by
chairman Rep. Dan Burton (R-Indiana) vowed to conduct a formal investigation into the
controversial pardon of financier turned fugitive Marc Rich by Bill Clinton in his last days in
office. President MORON when asked for comment seemed puzzled as to why Republicans
were looking into the rich pardon. "I believe that when the committee has completed its
investigation, they will find my tax relief plan is not just a pardon of my rich friends and
supporters, but other rich peoples too, including some Democrats. It is good for all rich
Amerkans."
PRESIDENT MORON UNVEILS NEW TAX PLAN
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/8/01 President Moron unveiled his much vaunted tax plan today.
Focusing like a candle on the economy, he has determined that the wealthy of this nation
desperately need tax relief. Upon analysis of the plan it has also come to light that
the $1600.00 which was promised to each middle class taxpayer in this nation is actually an
aggregate total in which the bottom 99% of taxpayers will all share. This works out to
approximately one one-thousandth of a cent for each taxpayer.
GUNMAN APPREHENDED ON WHITE HOUSE LAWN, SHOTS FIRED
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/7/01 At 11:36 AM Eastern Time today, Secret Service agents
fired on a lone gunman who was attempting to enter the White House grounds. He is now
in custody, and is being treated for a gunshot wound to the leg at George Washington University Hospital.
The 47 year old gunman, Robert Pickett of Evansville, IN, explained that since the NRA promised they would
be working out of the Oval Office, he was simply reporting for duty.
PRESIDENT MORON SALUTES REAGAN ON HIS BIRTHDAY
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/6/01 President Moron today took time out from his appearances in
toy stores in support of his tax plan to salute former President Ronald Reagan who turned 90 today.
"He is a brave man, fighting that Alzheimer's disease, and I just hope that some day I
can be as bright as he is today," President Moron remarked.
COLIN AND RICE - BETTER OFFENSE THROUGH DEFENSE
by HSRE Brain
Warshington, D.C. - 2/05/01 Secretary of State Colin Powell and National Security Adviser
Condoleezza Rice today affirmed that The MORONICON will be exhausting what little is left of
the U.S. budget surplus following President MORON's tax giveaway for the rich on a hopeless
and impracticable national missile defense system. The program, known as Destruction of
Incoming Airborne Projectiles of Hostile Rogues Anti-Guided Missile System, will differ from earlier
costly debacles in that it will include the building of a huge missile interception shield
designed to fit comfortably over the entire North American continent. The shield would
initially be inserted into the fertile and environmentally sensitive areas of the Alaskan
wilderness, after they have been stripped and cleansed of all fossil fuels, timber, and wildlife.
President MORON echoed the sentiments of many Amerkins by stating "The DIAPHRAGM System
is a sound program of protection of the status quo through the interception and destruction of
incoming projectiles launched from rogue attackers and other unwanted sources. It's the right
approach and I'm going to defend it mightily."
PRESIDENT MORON PROMOTES TAX CUT PLAN
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/4/01 President Moron today launched a major
lobbying effort to convince taxpayers that the projected $1,600.00
they are expected to receive ten years from now is more than
justification enough for the $50,000.00 that the top one percent
of taxpayers will receive retroactively from this year forward.
"Make no mistake about it, it is a huge imposition for us to
promise you a miniscule future tax cut, and, the wealthy simply
deserve immediate relief because they are better than you. Even
middle-class taxpayers should be able to understand that,"
he remarked.
FLORIDA ELECTION REFORM TASK FORCE DOOMS GOVERNOR JEB'S
RE-ELECTION.
By HSRE Brain
TALLAHASSEE, FL - 2/2/01 In a stunning move today, a 21 member
panel appointed by the First Brother to review Florida's election
"process" unanimously recommended the elimination of
punchcard ballots in future elections, almost assuredly dooming
the re-election of Jeb Bush next year if the State adopts the
proposal. The governor's office moved quickly to downplay the task
force's proposal, appointing Secretary in a State Katherine Harris
to discount the votes cast by the task force. In a related move,
executives at A-1 Cryogenics ordered the immediate thawing out of
former Secretary of State James A. Baker III because no election
is safe in Florida without him. The MORON, in a bit of oxymoronic
Texas wisdom, offered "Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a
whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in."
ASHCROFT IS SWORN IN, PRODUCING COMPLETE UNITY
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 2/1/01 After a completely unifying Senate
confirmation process, with a nearly unanimous 58 - 42 vote, John
Ashcroft was sworn in as Attorney General of the United States. In
keeping with the spirit of unity this nomination created, the
ceremony was performed by Clarence Thomas. "Now, the circle
is complete," President Moron said, "Clarence Thomas
elected me to unify the country, and now he has sworn in my chief
unification officer." Clarence Thomas, as usual, had no
comment.
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