ASSCROFT DODGES BULLET
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/30/01 Being a strong supporter of murdering doctors who provide abortions,
Attorney General John ASSCROFT was put on the spot today after the capture
of one of the FBI's Ten Most Wanted, James Kopp, who was charged with the
murder or Dr. Barnett Slepian. Fortunately for ASSCROFT,
France will not extradite Kopp because of the possibility that he might
face the death penalty here. In a carefully worded statement,
ASSCROFT promised that if Kopp is ever returned,
the Department of Justice will bumble the case and that
Kopp would eventually be freed. "I will use every means at my disposal to
thwart justice in this case," ASSCROFT proclaimed.
ASSCROFT PROPOSES McVEIGH PAY-PER-VIEW
By HSRE Brain
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK - 3/28/01 In an apparent attempt to add to the alleged
government surplus and provide further tax relief for the wealthy, Attorney
General John ASScroft said Tuesday he wants to discuss with families of
the victims of the Oklahoma City bombing a proposed closed-circuit broadcast of the state
sanctioned murder of Timothy McVeigh. Don King and Vince McMahon appear to
be the leading choices for promoting the execution, a scheduled one round,
final elimination bout on May 16, 2001, in Terre Haute, Indiana. President
MORON, who executed more inmates than all other states combined during his
tenure as Texas governor, agreed that Amerkans should be permitted to
purchase and watch the event but commented that he had not yet discussed the
amount of the pay-per-view charge. President MORON added "If Mike Tyson can get
$49.99 for biting an ear, I believe the Justice Department could double that
and still satisfy the public demand."
DESPITE PRESIDENT MORON'S BEST EFFORTS, CONSUMER CONFIDENCE STILL ON THE RISE
By Jay O'Three
KALAMAZOO, MI - 3/27/01 After spending 66 days talking down the economy as a
means of providing a smokescreen for his "Tax Gift to My Friends" policy,
President MORON spoke today on the state of the economy and why the
deserving rich are still deserving.
Despite his best efforts, Consumer Confidence is rising.
Also, the Democrats are calling for a tax rebate for working class Americans.
President MORON sensing that they have called his bluff has quickly added
a rebate to his own tax plan. This is the same Goldilocks plan that just last
month was "Jes' Right." So, the new message is, "It's my way or the highway,
even if my way is changing as fast as I can read the polls!" This squares very
well with his campaign rhetoric about ignoring polls in that it once again proves
that nothing he says has anything to do with what he does.
RUSSIAN ATTACK ON PRESIDENT MORON FALLS SHORT
By Jay O'Three and HSRE Brain
FIJI ISLAND - 3/23/01 Responding to President MORON's re-ignition of the Cold War,
The Russian Space Agency attempted to de-orbit the Mir Space Station on
top of the White House today. Citing such abuses as the ouster of 50 of its diplomats,
the revelation of a spy tunnel under its embassy, and the resurrection of a
Missile Defense System fantasy, Russian President Vladimir Putin remarked,
"We just don't understand. The Cold War is over and we thought you won. I guess
it's just like his obsession with former President Bill Clinton.
President MORON dwells on the past because he offers no future."
The Mir missed it's target by a few thousand miles, or a mere quarter of an orbit,
due to a fuel shortage.
In a related story, President MORON immediately called for speeding up the
timetable for establishing the
DIAPHRAGM
program asserting "The Mir
attack demonstrates the importance of a missile defense system. It is
necessary to prevent other rogue nations from building space programs,
launching space laboratories and clandestinely maintaining these stations for
fifteen years or so under the guise of science, only to unleash their fury
against Ameriker when we least expect it."
THE DICK CONTINUES MORONIC ASSAULT ON THE ENVIRONMENT
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 3/22/01 Not satisfied with drilling for fossil fuels in
pristine national monuments and sensitive coastal waters while endorsing
unchecked carbon dioxide emissions, vice president The DICK Cheney further
affirmed the veritable track of the MORONICON by proposing construction of
nuclear power plants as the solution to global warming. On the Fox news show
'Hardball' The DICK last night told host Chris Matthews "If you want to do
something about carbon dioxide emissions, then you ought to build nuclear
power plants. They don't emit any carbon dioxide. They don't emit greenhouse
gases."
Despite nuclear meltdowns such as Three Mile Island and Chernobyl, and the
fact that no new nuclear power plants have been constructed in the US since
1975, a spokesman for The DICK declined comment on questions regarding the
state of the Dick's clogged arteries and the possibility that the flow of
oxygen to his brain may have influenced this MORONIC proposal. Instead, when
asked about the potential for nuclear disaster and the problems with
long-term storage of nuclear waste, The DICK summed up his energy policy by
stating "Heck, who cares? Fossil fuels and nuclear power are goldmines for
me and my friends and we will be long gone when the shit hits the fan anyway."
NEW MORONICA EXPANDS EVEN FURTHER
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/21/01 In a CNN 'Inside Politics' interview with Judy Woodruff today,
Christie Todd Whitman dissembled, backpedaled and attempted to cover the obvious contradiction
between the mission of the EPA and President MORON's "Oil and Pollution Forever" strategy, which
has become the hallmark of his "War on the Environment."
However, the high point was not the squirming or rationalizing, but
instead, a lapse into NEW MORONICA
by the previously literate Director of the EPA. In response to a question on emissions policy,
she said, "... this decision 'reitifies' the Administration's commitment..." Apparently,
following President MORON's public undermining of her credibility, it became necessary to
recondition her to use that special White House dialect which sounds like American English,
but which can not be parsed to derive any concrete meaning.
ARSENIC AND OLD CHRISTINE
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 3/20/01 EPA administrator Christine Todd Whitman today
demonstrated that she indeed can speak for President MORON by announcing the
MORONICON will revoke a Clinton administration rule that sharply reduced the
acceptable level of arsenic in drinking water. Whitman, in keeping with the
MORONIC policy of ignoring the science of health risks and pollution,
insisted that there "is no consensus on a particular safe level." When
President MORON was told that the Clinton measure would have brought the US
into compliance with a standard adopted by the World Health Organization and
the European Union, he replied, "This is Amerka, not the Third World. I
listened to complaints by respectful officials of mining and chemical
companies and wood processors which would have been hurt great economically,
and I simply can't justify saving common peoples' health at their expense.
If you are worried about a little bit of poison, I recommend you jest go out
an' buy a Brita."
PRESIDENT MORON MEETS WITH JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 3/19/01 President MORON met today with Prime Minister
Yoshiro Mori of Japan, and at the top of the agenda were the recent declines in
the NIKKEI and NASDAQ indices. Afterwards, President MORON stated that the
two had apparently agreed that in order to improve the NIKE average, Michael
Jordan should return to basketball on a newly formed Japanese franchise.
President MORON further revealed "The Amerkin automobile industry was also
discussed and we both agree that interest in NASCAR would continue to grow
despite the tragic loss of its leading ambassador, Dale Earnhardt."
WHITEHOUSE.GOV SUCCUMBS TO INTERNET SHAKEOUT
By Jay O'Three
WAHSINGTON, DC - 3/19/01 Acknowledging today that development on the
www.whitehouse.gov web site had
slowed to a virtual standstill, a White House Internet spokesperson who
requested anonymity simply stated, "We're working on it." The
spokesperson then added, "This is just another case of an Internet venture
coming up short of projections. The previous administration somehow felt that
the Internet could be used to communicate valuable information to the public,
and since January 20 of this year, our policy has been to conceal as much as
we can from the public. The decline in our site has mirrored the overall
downturn in Internet based ventures, and should not reflect negatively on the
current administration in general. It's not really our fault, the bubble has
burst, Greenspan was right, the Internet is doomed. If eToys couldn't make
it, how could anyone expect eMORON to succeed?" The remaining assets
including the very popular lincolnbedroom.gov domain name have been put up for
sale on eBay.
POLAR BEARS REQUEST PARITY IN OIL EXPLORATION DEBATE
By Jay O'Three
ALASKAN WILDLIFE PRESERVE, AK - 3/19/01 Calling on President MORON to
follow through with his promise to set a new bipartisan tone in
Washington, Polar Bears today requested permission to hunt on White House
grounds. A spokesperson for the bears who reside in the Alaskan wilderness
stated that the disruption of their food supply, which will occur when oil
exploration ensues in their habitat, could be adequately addressed by allowing
them to eat staffers who populate the White House and its environs. Although
the bears would have to adjust to the unfamiliar taste of Republicans, the
ready availability of fresh meat would assure their survival for generations.
BARR CONFRONTS NATIONAL CRISIS
by HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 3/16/01 On the heels of President MORON's union busting of
the airline mechanics, Congressman Bob Barr, R-Ga., he of impeachment
infamy, is once again proving he has little else to do by now threatening to
withhold federal money from Washington DC's regional transit agency unless it
changes the name of the rail station at Ronald Reagan National Airport. It
is estimated that the cost of the change from its current name of National
Airport Station to Ronald Reagan National Airport Station, including new
signs, maps, and brochures, would be approximately $400,000 and Barr wants
it to be paid from local transit funds. President MORON, when informed of
Barr's proposed blackmail, responded "I call on all DC residents to write and
e-mail their Senators and Representatives and urge them to further honor our
beloved deceased president by voting in support of the station name change."
THE MORONICON, ITS CATCHING!
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 3/15/01 Demonstrating that there is indeed more than one
MORON in the White House, Secretary of State Colin "Stars & Bars" Powell
attempted to downplay two clueless remarks he made regarding his lack of
knowledge of US international policy. Last week, the General twice referred
to Taiwan as the Republic of China and stated that President MORON is
committed to moving the US Embassy in Israel to its capital, Jerusalem. A
quick check reveals that the United States has never recognized Taiwan as an
independent nation and as far as we know, Tel Aviv remains the capital of
Israel. Powell, attempting to distinguish himself from President MORON,
blamed his ignorance on the fact that he does not speak from a script and
routinely forgets to bring along his notes when speaking to reporters.
PRESIDENT MORON BRAVELY RENEGES ON CAMPAIGN PROMISE TO LIMIT CO2 EMISSIONS
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/14/01 Obeying Vice President DICK Cheney's direct orders, President MORON
reneged on his campaign promise to limit CO2 emissions from power plants. Equating global
warming to other liberal fantasies such as evolution, civil rights and pristine wilderness,
President MORON has discredited his own EPA director who stated clearly that there should be
no doubt of his commitment to counting carbon dioxide as a pollutant.
"Look, my handlers have informed me that my contributors wanted this change. Just because
I hired a token moderate for the EPA post doesn't mean I would abandon the only group to whom
I owe any allegiance," President MORON stated. "I will use the phony power crisis in California as
a smoke screen for this. Whatever DICK tells me to say, I will say to cover my tracks. People
should have known I was lying when I made this promise, when was the last time a Republican
espoused an environmental issue anyway?" he added.
PRESIDENT MORON QUARANTINED FOR FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/13/01 As reported here on March 2, President MORON contracted
"Foot in Mouth" disease from Tony Blair during the Prime Minister's visit last month.
Responding to public health concerns, the USDA decided not to risk exposure to the
nation's herds and has quarantined President MORON. Vice President DICK Cheney has
yet to decide whether or not he must be destroyed.
PRESIDENT MORON DOES WHAT HIS MOTHER TELLS HIM TO DO
By HSRE Brain
PANAMA CITY, FL - 3/12/01 Returning to the scene of the crime,
President MORON traveled to Florida today to
publicly thank brother Jeb for fixing his election, and continued his Tax
Cut For The Wealthy Tour of "red" states while ignoring the less populous
"blue" states like New York and California. Speaking to a hand-picked
partisan crowd with Tallahassee Jeb at his side, President MORON dismissed
subsequent ballot counts that suggest Al Gore carried Florida, stating "The
key to our success is simple. We listen to our mother and she is still
telling us what to do." In a related story, House Republicans ironically
called for a reduction of the tax on capital gains as part of the MORON's
ever growing "tax relief plan" on a day that saw the Dow Jones lose another
4% and the NASDAQ close below 2000 for the first time in over two years.
PRESIDENT MORON "ACCIDENTALLY" BOMBS AMERICANS IN KUWAIT
By Jay O'Three
KUWAIT CITY, KUWAIT - 3/12/01 A US Navy FA-18 Hornet "accidentally" dropped a 500 lb bomb into a crowd
of observers during a training exercise at the Udari Firing Range in northwest Kuwait at 7:30PM local
time today causing at least one New Zealander and five American deaths.
"As you may recall, my Daddy wasn't all that friendly with
Kuwait until after he was coerced into rescuing them by the Emir at a meeting in London. Also,
as you may recall, we didn't really want Hussein out of power anyway, so this "accident" is
completely consistent with DICK Cheney's agenda," President MORON explained. "We can only hope
the American causalties were just Democrats and maybe even union workers since they are not really
Americans. Let the lying and covering up begin," he added. This is just the latest installment in
the McMoron's Navy saga as reported here.
PRESIDENT MORON BUSTS MECHANIC'S UNION
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/10/01 In a move designed to eliminate one more Democratic stronghold, President
MORON showed his union busting colors today by convening a Presidential Emergency Board to prevent
airline mechanics from exercising their right to collective negotiation. "Look, these so-called
workers didn't vote for me, so they can't expect to retain any standing under my administration,"
President MORON said about the impending strike deadline facing Northwest Airlines. "My
contributors want spring vacations, and I will not allow a bunch of blue-collar have-nots ruining
their plans," he added.
PRESIDENT MORON'S TAX CUT RAMMED THROUGH HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/8/01 The House of Representatives handed President MORON his "first major victory"
today when it blindly passed his tax cut plan 230 to 198. In a telephone call between Speaker of the
House, Dennis Hastert in Washington, DC and President MORON in Fargo, ND, President MORON said, "This
is a great day for the American People. It is a good sign that the US Congress has been hoodwinked
and can be coerced into doing whatever the party says. If Americans thought their votes didn't
count in November, they had no idea what was yet to come. Despite the fact that a large majority of
Americans would prefer to see the surplus used for social programs and debt reduction, rather than a
payback for wealthy contributors, they have no choice in the matter. Basically, middle class taxpayers
are not real Americans anyway, and we are certainly not here to help them. Further, those 198
nay-sayers had better watch their backs."
ASHCROFT ANNOUNCES VOTER ACCESS INITIATIVE
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/7/01 Citing "recent voting irregularities," Attorney General John Ashcroft
announced a new federal initiative today to cut down on potential electoral abuses including
losing to dead guys. "Somehow, the system broke down, and despite our best efforts, some
voters were not intimidated, disenfranchised or deceived, and actually cast votes against us,"
an astonished Ashcroft said. He then stated that the Justice Department would spare no expense
to assure that in the future, the outcome of every election would be known long before the polls
opened. He then added, "We don't want any more of those blue states."
TIMES A CHANGIN' ON CAPITOL HILL?
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 3/7/01 Heeding President MORON's call for "changin' the tone
in the nation's capital", Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott yesterday called
for an end to Senate hearings on pardons granted by former President Clinton,
asserting it is "time to move on." Ironically, this was on the same day that
news agencies reported that former President MORON SR granted a last minute
pardon to the son of one of his biggest campaign contributors, Edwin Cox Sr.,
whose family has contributed almost $200,000 to MORON campaigns and
Republican campaign committees.
In an unrelated story, it was revealed that Cox Sr. is also a trustee of
MORON SR's presidential library to which he personally contributed at least
$100,000, the exact amount being unknown because MORON SR does not release
information regarding individual contributions to the least used library in
America. President MORON immediately undertook to distinguish his father's
pardon of Cox Jr. from the Clinton pardon of Marc Rich by attempting to quote
Daddy, stating "There was no squid pro quo."
ROUTINE HEALTH OF VEEP POSES CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 3/06/01 Vice President DICK Cheney was released today from
George Washington University Hospital following "routine" heart surgery and
returned home to run the country from the Vice Presidential residence on the
grounds of Washington's Naval Observatory. Despite his chronic heart
condition, he again was given a "routine" clean bill of health by his busy physicians
who fear the worst should the MORON be left in charge. The DICK's
health condition presents a potential constitutional crisis as well. Should
the DICK become the eighth VP to die in office, the 25th Amendment requires
that President MORON nominate the new leader of the free world, who would
then have to be confirmed by a majority of both Houses of Congress. With the
Senate split 50/50, and the DICK unavailable to cast a tie-breaker, one can
only assume that the Supreme Court would find a way to put George Herbert
Walker Bush back into the White House.
TAX CUT SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS FACING NATION
By Jay O'Three
CHICAGO, IL - 3/6/01 In a speech at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange given from the Cattle Futures Pit,
President MORON today addressed all of the nation's ills with his lofty tax
cut plan. Apparently, problems ranging from teenage access to guns, to failing stents in Vice
Presidents' arteries, to Japanese fishing vessels assaulting nuclear submarines on civilian
pleasure cruises would simply disappear if a tax plan were enacted. Although the
miraculous power of this plan would not actually bring any of the aforementioned back from the dead,
such problems would never have occurred in the first place if the marginal tax rate had been lower.
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY HOSPITALIZED
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/5/01 Vice President DICK Cheney was admitted to George Washington University Medical
Center today for a "repeat catheterization" after complaining of chest pains for the last couple of
days. President MORON commented, "When they said the Vice President was 'one heartbeat away' I didn't
realize that they were actually counting. I'm sure my tax cut will help him tremendously."
PRESIDENT MORON LAUNCHES SHIP OF THE UNDEAD
By Jay O'Three
NEWPORT NEWS, VA - 3/4/01 President MORON today attended the launching of a new aircraft carrier the
"USS Ronald Reagan," setting a new precedent. Never before has a US ship been named after the undead.
Nancy Reagan, also undead, appeared out of the rain and fog terrifying onlookers with her
ghoulish presence. President MORON promised that this vessel would be used for civilian cruises just
like US submarines, and that any Japanese fishing boats had just better beware.
TONY BLAIR GIVES PRESIDENT MORON FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE
By Jay O'Three
LONDON - 3/2/01 In a "commonsensical" exploration of culture, Tony Blair explained that he
is the vector of President MORON's speech problems. As with outbreaks all over the British Isles, it turns
out that the severe case of "Foot in Mouth" disease from which President MORON is suffering can be traced
back to the initial outbreak in North Umberland. The virus usually affects livestock, but the
genetic difference between hoofed animals and illegitimate world leaders is very slight, and
the virus adapts readily.
HOUSE GOVERNMENT REFORM COMMITTEE PROVIDES COVER
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 3/1/01 At a hearing before the House Government Reform Committee, Rep. Bob Barr (R - GA)
was able to display his prowess by beating up on Democratic fund raiser Beth Dozoretz after she invoked
her Fifth Ammendment right to protection against self incrimination.
"I can take on any woman half my size," he boasted afterwards. He then took on former White House
Counsel Beth Nolan attempting to put words in her mouth and ultimately insulting her personally.
Taking the opportunity to make one more attack on Former President Clinton, The House of Representatives
used it's Committee hearing today to maintain the media smokescreen behind which the new Administration
is quietly slipping into power. On the road today in support of his Goldilocks Plan President MORON
has been pushed off the radar screen and thus has been able to escape scrutiny for one more day.
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