FEWER THAN 200 ATTEND WHITE HOUSE LUNCHEON
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 4/30/01 President MORON's "Second
Hundred Days Luncheon" which was supposed to include
all 535 Congressmen and Senators drew fewer than
200 attendees, including only about 50 Democrats.
President MORON remarked that he had worked to
change the tone in our nation's capitol. Emphasizing
style over substance, he promised that you will now get
a warm smile and a firm handshake
while you are being stabbed in the back.
MORON FAMILY VALUES... BUSTED!
By Jay O'Three and HSRE Brain
AUSTIN, TX - 4/27/01 In a sterling effort to keep a low profile,
and avoid public controversy, Jenna MORON, one 19 year old
daughter of President MORON was cited early Friday morning by local
undercover police at "Cheers"
a local "Shot Bar" for underage alcohol intoxication. A spokesman for
the Secret Service could not explain how a minor under constant
protection could enter a drinking establishment and purchase alcohol
in clear violation of the law. The spokesman went on to say, "Well,
at least no one was killed. She may be taking drinking lessons from
her father, but we can only hope she doesn't take driving lessons from
her mother." Party on, Jenna!
"PRETTY DARN GOOD," EXCEPT IN MATH
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 4/25/01 President MORON said today of his first hundred
days in office that he felt "pretty darn good."
This, besides being so obviously inspirational is also surprising since
he has only been in office ninety-six days. As for his Wars on
the Environment, Labor, the Middle Class, Women and The Constitution
they're all apparently "pretty darn good" as well.
Presiding over a slowing economy,
sitting idly by while oil companies gouge consumers,
stumbling through an international incident with China,
catering to campaign contributors at the cost of citizens' health,
selling out U.S. workers at the Summit of the Americas,
allowing the Navy to run amok,
hoodwinking the middle class into accepting tax relief for the wealthy,
tacitly endorsing the killing of innocent women and children to further the War on Drugs
and ignoring the power crisis in California
are also strong indicators of pretty darn goodness.
FEMA CONVERTS TO FAITH BASIS, DAVENPORT PRAYS
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 4/24/01 Federal Emergency Management Agency Director
Joe Allbaugh said today that U.S. Taxpayers may be funding too much of the
bill for flood relief in seawall free Davenport, IA. Declaring
that FEMA would now adopt the "Faith Based" model, Allbaugh suggested
that Mississippi River flood victims start placing their faith in
someone other than FEMA because that office would soon be closed to
"people living down by the river, who clearly did not demonstrate
enough faith in us during the campaign season."
President MORON observed, "As the water rises, your taxes
will be lowered, and that should allow you to float!"
WILD IN THE STREETS, RUNNING, RUNNING WILD IN THE STREETS
By Jay O'Three
QUEBEC, CANADA - 4/20/01 Protesters have breached the security
perimeter here at the Summit of the Americas.
They are demanding a less MORONIC "World Leader." Police
have responded as all North American Police do with tear gas, rubber
bullets, riot gear and night-sticks.
McMORON's NAVY WADDLES OUT OF COURT-MARTIAL
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 4/20/01 Following a recommendation from
McMORON's Navy
Court of Inquiry, the head of the U.S. Pacific Fleet, Adm. Thomas Fargo, will
not court-martial the skipper of the USS Greeneville, Cmdr. Scott Waddle for
his involvement in the 'accidental' murder of nine Japanese students and
teachers. An official wishing to remain anonymous told reporters that Waddle
will receive punishment under Article 15 of the Uniform Code of Military
Justice which will effectively end his career. However, Waddle will likely
only receive a formal reprimand and an honorable discharge with a pension,
clearly a quid pro quo for not pointing the finger at the truly guilty, the
McMORON officials who allowed 16 civilian friends of MORON to experience the
'emergency blow' thrill ride. President MORON downplayed the significance of
the failure to court-martial by noting "It's tuff goin through life with a
name like Waddle, believe I know me, and now he won't even have command of
his long, thin vessel full of seamen."
PRESIDENT MORON COMES IN LAST OF 34
By Jay O'Three
QUEBEC, CANADA - 4/20/01 President Moron arrived here today to
meet with the leaders of all the other democratic nations in this
hemisphere. There were representatives from every nation in
North and South America except Cuba, and this allowed for a
quick comparison. So now, President MORON is not only the
US President with the lowest measured IQ, but in fact, he
holds the record for the lowest measured IQ of any head of
state in the entire Western Hemisphere. Well done, President
MORON!
MRS. MORON MEETS THE KING
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 4/19/01 Having recently finished the difficult task of
refurnishing the White Frat House, Mrs. MORON has turned her attention to
defending the MORON ('Bushie' as she calls him) on the talk show circuit,
appearing on Larry King Live last night. Ever the Larry, he eschewed the
easy questions such as why she was not charged with any crime after she
killed a kid in high school or how does she explain her 30 year smoking habit
to her daughters. Instead, he asked the tough questions like 'Do you talk
about politics with George?'. Demonstrating the traits that President MORON
once referred to as "the perfect wife for a governor" because she wasn't
"tryin to butt in and always, you know, compete", while clearly
distinguishing herself from the previous first lady, Mrs. MORON responded
"George and I mainly talk about what we're going to do over the weekend or
funny things our animals did." Mrs. MORON did add a surprising bit of news,
hinting she may soon become an author and write a book on life in the White
House as viewed through the eyes of Barney, a Scottish terrier puppy that
President MORON recently fetched from EPA shill Christie Whitman. "He's the
smart one of the family."
THE DICK TAKES PAY CUT
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 4/16/01 The DICK Cheney reported that he gave up nearly $8
million worth of stock options and sustained short-term capital gains losses
of $2 million in order to serve as vice president. His current salary of
$171,000.00 pales in comparison to last year's reported adjusted gross income
of over $36 million, most of which was stock and stock options that he had
earned as chairman and CEO of Halliburton, a Dallas-based BIG OIL drilling
equipment company. Additionally, it was revealed that The DICK generously
donated $41,646 to charity, a sum greater than the yearly salary of the
average Amerkin family, or in layman's terms, nearly 0.0014 % of his own
income. Under the MORONIC tax cut, the DICK stands to earn even more,
avoiding paying his fair share of taxes and reaping capital gains. President
MORON, by comparison, reported earnings of only $1 million, the bulk of which
came from his allowance.
In a related story, the Warshington Post reported today that the ultra-secret
MORONIC energy task force headed by the DICK and other former fossil fuel
executives is expected to release its policy recommendations soon,
surprisingly calling for increased production of oil, gas and coal and
investment in new refineries, pipelines and power grids, while ignoring
environmental concerns, conservation, and renewable energy sources. "We're
not out to re-engineer the nation's electric system or cut into corporate
profits," said Lawrence B. Lindsey, the MORON's chief economic adviser and a
member of the task force.
PRESIDENT MORON DENIES NRA SNUB
By HSRE Brain
Warshington, DC - 4/16/01 President MORON and the wife LAURON prepared to
host their first Easter egg roll on the South Lawn of the Frat House today,
continuing a tradition that dates back to 1878 and the presidency of
Rutherford B. Hayes. Following the recent pink backpack incident reported
here
last week, The MORON added his own personal touch to the affair by
issuing tickets to the 6 and under tykes barring them from bringing their
guns, ammunition, firecrackers, nunchucks, knives, and electric stun guns to
the festivities. MORONICON spokesman Ari Fleisher downplayed concerns
expressed by NRA headcase Charleton Heston over the weekend, saying the
information on the back of the official egg roll tickets "in no way reflects
any reversal of the administration's strong stance on the rights of children
to bear arms", but was "meant to give the youngsters all the information they
need to avoid being inconvenienced and arrested when they play with the
President."
(Editor's Note: Since this story originally aired, thousands of children were
left stunned and disappointed when the Easter egg roll was officially
canceled by President MORON "cause it's rainin". Eric Fox, a six year old
from Murrieta, GA, summed up the feelings of the disappointed kids by
lamenting "If we had just been allowed to bring our AK-47's, he wouldn't have
dared cancel our egg hunt.")
PRESIDENT MORON , NOT SPIES, RETURNS HOME
BY HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 4/13/01 Proving once again that he is lying when his lips
are moving, President MORON backed off his apology to China the second the 24
U. S. spies landed on the soil of Hawaii. Puffing his chest and stammering
more than usual, he placed full blame for the spying on China, stating that
the naval spy plane was not spying, but was "maintainin the peace cause rogue
nations like China was not to be trusted." Asked why the spies were not
permitted to return immediately to their home base in Warshington state, the
MORON asserted " The 24 brave men and women have had a hard time in the last
12 days. It would be inappropriate to allow them to continue home durin a
de-briefing without first allowin them to get some clothes. I can assure
y'all, they will be home in time for the Easter Bunny." Unable to personally
meet them in Hawaii since it is a blue state, the MORON and LAURON instead,
"are a flyin back to Texas for some egg colorin and chili baskets areselves"
PINK BACKPACK THREATENS PRESIDENT MORON
By Jay O'Three and HSRE Brain
WASHINGTON, DC - 4/12/01 The North Lawn of the White House was evacuated today when a
pink backpack was found unattended on the sidewalk outside the fence. Widespread panic
ensued, but ultimately the pack was declared "safe." The "Hello Kitty" pencil set found
inside was nonetheless confiscated as a threat to national security.
An androgynous creature calling itself Tinkie Winkie was apprehended near the
White House shortly after the incident but was released after questioning.
An anonymous source claimed it remains a suspect and it was told to remain in
town while the investigation continues.
SPIES INVADE HAWAII
By Jay O'Three
HICKMAN AFB, HI - 4/12/01 After Issuing a "Mayday" signal, 24 spies who spent the last 12 days in
China violated US airspace and landed here today.
They were immediately taken into custody and will be subjected to
several days of "debriefing." Although McMoron's Navy sources are referring to these spies as
"heroes," they will not have freedom of movement, or access to the public.
President MORON, watching from the White House Dining Room was heard to mumble, "Damn it! There
goes one of the best boogey men we had! How the hell am I ever going to restart this cold war?"
ASSCROFT AGREES TO PAY-PER-VIEW
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 4/12/01 As first reported here
Attorney General John ASSCROFT has agreed to a pay-per-view format
for the state sponsored murder of Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh scheduled for May 16, 2001.
In a brief statement ASSCROFT bellowed "Let's get ready to rumbllllllle!"
Currently, only families and friends of the victims will have access to the
event, but wider distribution arrangements are still in the works.
PRESIDENT MORON BOWS BEFORE THE MIDDLE KINGDOM
By HSRE Brain
BEIJING, CHINA - 4/11/01 President MORON today announced an end to the latest
chapter of McMORON's Navy
by falling to his knees and apologizing to China,
thus gaining the release of the 24 U.S. naval "observers" held on the Chinese
island of Hainan. Joseph Prueher, U.S. ambassador to China, delivered a
letter to the Chinese government stating "we are very sorry" for the loss of
life, the entering of China's airspace, and the emergency landing on Chinese
soil. Apparently, the entire 11 day crisis could have been avoided if the
MORON had simply added "very" to "sorry" in his initial official expression
of regret. A high source in the MORONIC Administration attempted to downplay
the significance of the United States apology, noting that the U.S. did not
admit to any responsibility for the mid-air crash and added that it really
was not an apology anyway because President MORON had his fingers crossed
behind his back when he signed the letter.
PRESIDENT MORON FAILS TO RESTART COLD WAR
By Jay O'Three
HAIKOU, CHINA - 4/11/01 Despite President MORON's best efforts to make the
downed airmen in China into hostages, and despite his best efforts to use this incident as an
excuse to increase Cold War program spending, the Chinese have agreed to release the crew
today. Secretly regretting this outcome, President MORON now has to go back to facing the
failure of his tax cut plan and the inhumanity of his domestic agenda.
PRESIDENT MORON SUBMITS U.S. DIET PLAN TO CONGRESS
By HSRE BRAIN
WARSHINGTON, DC - 4/10/01 Vowing to 'trim the fat' from governmental
spending in order to justify his tax giveaway to the rich, President MORON
sent his $1.96 trillion dollar budget proposal to Congress yesterday, which
calls for significant cuts in spending for such 'pork barrel' programs as
transportation, agriculture and health care. Additionally, the MORONIC
budget further continues the MORONICON's attack on the environment, cutting
funds from the EPA and the Interior and Energy Departments including funding
implementation of controls on global warming per the Kyoto treaty and
slashing $190 million in research on renewable energy sources. The Defense
Department was surprisingly the biggest winner in the budget, receiving an
increase of $13.6 billion for a total defense budget of $310 billion.
President MORON on Monday proudly told reporters his budget "represents a new
way of doing business in Warshington and a new way of thinkin'. It puts the
rich taxpayers, defense contractors, and corporations first, and that is
exactly where they belong."
ONE MORE PRESIDENT MORON PITCH FALLS SHORT
By Jay O'Three
MILWAUKEE, WI - 4/6/01 President Moron threw out the first pitch here at the brand new
Miller Park and just like his vote count, his tax cut, and his international diplomacy,
it too fell short, hitting the ground before reaching home plate. Unfortunately,
calls to "keep your day job" did not go unheeded, and he in fact plans to return to the
White House.
THE MORONICON DISCOVERS LEARNING
By HSRE Brain (en assignment a Paris)
PARIS, FRANCE - 4/04/01 It was announced yesterday that President MORON's
first wife Laura Bush launched her pet library campaign, calling for all
Amerkins to read for free "at a wonderful thang we do in Texas called
'Liberries' ". Parisians, as well as the rest of the educated world, were
frankly stunned that Nancy Kranich, president of the American Library
Association, referrred to Mrs. MORON as the 'first librarian' of our
country," apparently unaware that a man named Benjamin Franklin had beaten
her to the punch. Staying the course of MORONICON BIG OIL, Mrs. MORON told
the Amerkins "Our nation runs on the fuel of information and imagination that
our libraries provide every day, except, of course, in California, where they
have no fuel." Mrs. MORON added " My library card often is the most valuable
thing in my wallet, besides my Exxon Platinum American Express card."
PRESIDENT MORON RATTLES HIS LITTLE SABRE
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 4/3/01 At the White House today,
President MORON made a sabre rattling statement
regarding the spy plane and crew being held in China.
"Even though we invaded their country, we should not be
held accountable because we are Americans," he stated.
"They must abide by our interpretation of International
Law, and we of course are above any laws, as my
Inauguration proves," he added defiantly. He then
quickly retreated into the White House so as to
avoid any questions from members of the press who,
by his definition, are not Americans.
PRESIDENT MORON TAKES SPYING LESSONS FROM GARY POWERS
By Jay O'Three
HONG KONG, CHINA - 4/2/01 Misapprehending the very nature of covert
action, President MORON was caught red-handed today when one of his spy
planes had to make an emergency landing in the very country on which
he was spying. After abruptly changing direction and colliding with
a Chinese fighter plane, a propeller driven EP-3E Aries II spy plane
with 24 crewmembers aboard issued a 'Mayday' signal and landed at an
airfield on Hainan Island in China. The Chinese are holding the crew
and have boarded the airplane. Although International Law is quite
clear on the point that there is no safe passage for aircraft, President
MORON was still said to be "troubled" by the Chinese boarding. "It's
jes' not fair! My Daddy got to throw up on a Prime Minister over there
somewhere, and I think we should at least have the right to land a
spy plane or two. Besides, that plane was on a secret mission, and
those Chinese ruined it for everyone!" he said.
ASTEROID DESTROYS EARTH AND PRESIDENT MORON
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 4/1/01 As reported
here
on February 13, NASA crash landed the NEAR-Shoemaker spacecraft on
the Asteroid Eros and due to a miscalculation sent that asteroid hurtling toward
Earth. As predicted, the asteroid crashed into the surface of the Earth today,
and wiped out all living things larger than a tree shrew. Before being swept away
in a massive tidal wave, President MORON was heard to remark, "I should survive,
my brain is no bigger than a tree shrew's." Subsequently, he drowned and was washed
up the Potomac River some one hundred miles.
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