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| Jes' Like Daddy |
ALL IN THE FAMILY - DAUGHTERS OF MORON KEEPIN IT REAL
By HSRE Brain
AUSTIN, TX - 5/31/01 Keeping up with strong MORONIC family values is always
toughest on the youth, but first twins Jenna and Barbara,II seem to have
taken their lessons well from their party boy father President MORON, as they
were busted last night attempting to order margaritas with a fake ID at Chuy's,
a local Tex-Mex restaurant. The latest incident came only two weeks after
Jenna was sentenced to eight hours of community service, a six-hour alcohol
awareness course and $51.25 in court fees for her previous
underage drinking bust.
However, since the Austin PD did not actually witness the
incident and the Secret Service were asleep outside the restaurant, it
remains doubtful that any charges will be filed as they are the daughters of
President MORON, whose family has a long track record of covering up and denying the
truth about his own extensive substance abuse. In a related story, Jenna has
bravely completed her court ordered community service by toiling for a whole
day doing clerical and research work at the Mexic-Arte Museum in Austin, and
although she has not taken the alcohol awareness course yet, she appears well
on her way to full awareness of the wonders of tequila and beer. Next up,
jello shooters and grain alcohol punch.
PRESIDENT MORON ANNOUNCES NO ENVIRONMENTALISM FOR THE 21ST CENTURY
By HSRE Brain
SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK, CA - 5/30/01 Self-proclaimed 'compassionate
conservationist' President MORON today moved his lips and officially
introduced his program of "no environmentalism for the 21st century". While
asserting a commitment to 'a nation of fresh air, clean water and natural
beauty', President MORON apparently forgot that in the first three months of
the MORONICON he appointed James Watt protegee Gail Norton as Secretary of
the Interior, one of his first executive orders threw out the federal
controls on the amount of arsenic that can be dumped in drinking water by
mining companies, he reneged on a campaign promise to reduce carbon-dioxide
emissions from power plants, he dumped the Kyoto Treaty on greenhouse gases,
and his POOP proposed drilling in ANWR and other sensitive national lands
while building new nuclear and coal burning power plants. He also failed to
mention that his budget package calls for a one-year moratorium on the
Endangered Species Act, and cuts the enforcement budget of the EPA.
Standing in front of an ancient Sequoia tree, ironically still around due to
federal protection, the first MORON declared "Mandates from Warshington
concerning the environment are now themselves endangered species. My 'No
Environmentalism' is a new faith-based commitment to protectin' the
environment through the unselfish cooperation of your local developers,
property owners, chemical and energy companies, and timber and mining
industries."
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| President MORON receives hug from the McMORON's Navy graduate with the LOWEST GPA |
GO WEST YOUNG MORON
By HSRE Brain
LOS ANGELES, CA - 5/29/01 With his approval rating plummeting and recession
looming in the world's eighth largest economy, President MORON traveled to
the Golden State today to personally rub
POOP
in Governor Gray Davis' face,
and it only took twenty minutes to 'doo' it. Earlier in the day, the
Commander-in-Thief ordered marines at Camp Pendleton to turn down their air
conditioners and canceled Friday Night at the Movies in a token effort to
appear concerned over the plight of Californians at the mercy of Big
Electricity. In addressing the soldiers, President MORON dropped another
load of POOP by calling on Congress to provide $450 million dollars to
further line the pockets of energy producers under the guise of low-income
energy relief, and continued his mantra that the tax cut for the wealthy will
negate the price gouging of Texas power producers. The MORON denied reports
that he had been ignoring California, stating "I know it may appear that I
have been snubbin' Kalifornyans since I was given this office, but I have had
an active role in seein' that they pay for votin' for my opponent last fall.
I have no intention of imposin' price controls on any of my friends in energy
or oil and I frankly don't need Kalifornya. There will be six or seven
Supreme Court justices in my pocket by 2004 to ensure the continuin'
illegitimacy of my presidency."
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| Game Over for the Banana Republicans |
CAMPAIGN REFORM, TEXAS STYLE
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/23/01 More than 2,000 Banana Republican donors gathered
last evening at the National Guard Armory for a huge black-tie fund-raising
gala honoring President MORON and his heroic stint in the Guard during the
war in Viet Nam. Heeding President MORON's recent usurpation of the war on
poverty, the Grand Old Petrochemical party raised a record 23.9 million
dollars of soft money by charging $1,500 per person to $20,000 for a
corporate table and serving guests ample portions of vegetable Napoleon,
horseradish -crusted tenderloin with a shallot merlot sauce, asparagus,
five-onion risotto cake and key lime pie. "It's a great way to buy access to
our politicians and it beats barbecue" said a spokesman for Texas-based
Reliant Energy, one of the "Team 100" group of $100,000-plus donors who own
President MORON.
In a related story, deputy chairman of the gala committee Bill Gunlock, an
Ohio "businessman", was fined $30,000 after he pleaded no contest to
money-laundering charges in 1993 involving $12,000 in campaign donations to
the local Banana Republican Party. This time Mr. Gunlock agreed to raise at
least $100,000 for the presidential dinner on Tuesday and try harder to avoid
prosecution.
SENATE PASSES TAX CUT BILL
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 5/23/01 The wealthiest one percent of Americans
who pay twenty-one percent of income taxes are going to receive
forty-three percent of the one point three trillion dollars of
tax relief passed today. You on the other hand, will not get enough
to cover one tank of DICK Cheney's three dollar a gallon gas.
JEFFORDS CHANGES HIS MIND ABOUT CHANGING HIS MIND?
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 5/23/01 Jim Jeffords has now said that he will wait
until tomorrow to announce his change of party. He also retracted his
promise to vote against the tax cut. Republican forces are pressuring
him, and he is going to retreat to Vermont to avoid their reprisals.
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| President MORON unclear on the concept that Jim Jeffords is leaving the Republican Party |
ELEVENTH HOUR CONVERSION OF JIM JEFFORDS SAVES NATION
By HSRE Brain and Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 5/22/01 Today, a nation hopes and prays for the
impending epiphany of the Republican Senator from Vermont, Jim
Jeffords. Private mints are busily scrambling to issue the new
Democratic Majority Ultra-Deep-Cameo Coin in honor of the first
truly commemorative moment of the twenty-first century. A spokesman
for these mints, when asked to comment on the commemorative issue, said,
"We anticipate reinstating all workers laid off during the MORONICON!
This couldn't have come at a better time. Although Jeffords did a
one-eighty, orders can be placed for the new three hundred sixty degree
coin."
THE DICK'S BACKSTAIRS FUN-RAISER
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/22/01 The DICK Cheney threw a surreptitious party for
400 of his closest "friends" last night at his taxpayer-owned residence as a
prelude to President MORON's $20 million money raising gala set for this
evening. Refusing to release to the public a list of the "guests",
which included energy-industry lobbyists the DICK
denied any resemblance to similar fund-raisers which Banana Republicans
repeatedly jumped up and down screaming about during the Clinton Administration.
Senate
Majority Leader Trent Lott, (R-Miss), one of the leading critics of Clinton
fund-raising activities, declined all calls for an investigation this time
around because he is "sure it's being done in an appropriate way, or Dick
Cheney wouldn't be doing it." Apparently, all MORONICON actions and
practices are now immune from Congressional inquiry if it's a DICK thing.
RNC spokesman Trent Duffy further commented "It's not a fundraiser if you've
already paid for the presidency. These people have bought the right to party
on the taxpayer's tab."
YALE DISCREDITS ITSELF WHILE ACCREDITING PRESIDENT MORON
By Jay O'Three
NEW HAVEN, CT - 5/21/01 In a pathetic display of pandering, Yale
University today awarded President MORON an honorary doctor of laws
degree. Their explanation was that nepotism is the only form of
discrimination they are still allowed to practice. Apparently flouting
the law is now regarded as equivalent to studying it.
Following the
travesty, President MORON gave a commencement address rife with what
were supposed to be humorous references to his poor academic performance
there. However, instead he once again
proved that just because he is in on the joke doesn't mean that the
malevolence his bumbling masks is any less real or any less harmful.
The only laughter
produced by the entire episode came when deans at Yale handed out
diplomas to the rest of the graduating class after having just rendered
such documents essentially worthless.
PRESIDENT MORON ORDERS ADMINISTRATION TO SPARE NO SPECIES
By Jay O'Three
CONESTOGA, PA - 5/18/01 In a demagogic speech at a hydroelectric plant
here today, President MORON promised that his administration would do
everything in its power to implement his supervisor, The DICK Cheney's
POOP
plan. Promising that no endangered species will stand in the way, and no
pristine wilderness will remain untouched, he ordered all administrators
to rubber-stamp any energy related request with particluar prejudice
against environmental concerns. "The time has come to rape the land,
foul the waters and darken the skies!
I am personally going to kill some endangered woodland
creatures to demonstrate my resolve. Tree huggers, beware, you're on the
list!" President MORON remarked.
PRESIDENT MORON - DOODIE CALLS
By HSRE Brain
ST. PAUL, MN - 5/17/01 President MORON dumped The DICK Cheney's "Petrochemical
Ownership Of Presidency" (POOP) plan on Amerker today, which surprisingly calls
for the production of more natural gas, building nuclear plants, and drilling
more oil wells on national lands including ANWAR. Another sizable lump of
POOP proposes reducing bothersome environmental regulations to encourage the
burning of more coal. The MORON called this fabricated energy constipation
the most serious crisis for his family since the oil embargoes of the 1970s,
despite the fact that world supplies are adequate and reasonably stable,
price fluctuations are cyclical, and reserves are plentiful. President
MORON told the nation "There are no short term, easy solutions to wiping out
this stain on Amerker. My POOP is a sane national plan which will enable our
energy producers to dump a load on Amerker this year and every year of my
administration."
THE DICK: "ENERGY POLICY WILL FEED MY GREED"
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 5/17/01 Finally revealing the much vaunted energy plan
today, President MORON announced that it would not gather dust.
Declaring it an action plan for his action administration, he promised
to get right to work doing what The DICK said.
The DICK Cheney commented, "Citizens with lower incomes who won't get tax cuts
can use the tax cuts for the wealthy to fill their gas tanks, it's just
simple math. People in the petrochemical and energy industries are
going to reap the greatest windfall this nation has ever seen!
When President MORON said this was an action
plan, he certainly didn't mean helping Californians or controlling gas prices!
What he meant, and I can speak for him, I put the
words in his mouth, was that we will continue our relentless destruction
of the environment and consumption of all natural resources with impunity!"
At this point, The DICK got so excited that he had to shut up to avoid another
heart attack.
ASSCROFT PRAYS WHILE DOJ PREYS
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/16/01 The Warshington Post reported yesterday that
President MORON's uncontroversial Attorney General
John ASScroft begins each day at the Department of Justice with a reading
from the Bible followed by a discussion and a prayer that God will lead them
to the bad guys.
The ASScroft maintains that the blatant injection of his religion into the agency
does not in any way conflict with the annoying Constitutional requirement of
separation of church and state, notwithstanding the fact that participation
by employees is on the taxpayer's dole. "I'm grateful to the American
taxpayer for permitting my God's divine intervention and guidance in the
Justice Department."
In a related story, the ASScroft has ordered the words "pride" and "proud" be
stricken from all his correspondences, because his Dad forbade the use of the
words as an affront to the benevolence of God, and ASScroft has also purged
the phrases "no higher calling than public service" and "innocent until
proven guilty" from their use at Justice.
MORONICON REJECTS MERE THOUGHT OF ENERGY PRICE CAPS
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/14/01 President MORON and the Banana Republican leaders
continued their assault on Amerker Sunday by rebuffing California Governor
Gray Davis' plea for rational controls on energy prices, saying price caps do
not make any corporate ecomomic sense. Gov. Davis' call came after it was
revealed that companies such as Texas based Reliant Energy were gouging
California at a rate of $1,900 per megawatt hour, which a year ago would have
cost just $30, and that the top three oil companies in America reported more
than $10 billion in profits in the first three months of this year. A White
House spokeswoman told reporters "Price caps will lessen profits for
companies such as Reliant, Exxon and the others who paid for President
MORON's election fairly and squarely." In a related story, former California
Republican Governor Pete Wilson, the architect of the present electricity
crunch, admitted to reporters that de-regulation at the time he promoted it
was indeed fatally flawed but he left it up to his successor to "figure it
out."
ASSCROFT DODGES ANOTHER BULLET
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 5/11/01 Just as in the James Kopp arrest reported
here two
of Attorney General John ASSCROFT's most cherished beliefs almost collided.
ASSCROFT, a state sponsored murder enthusiast was expected to execute Timothy
McVeigh, the Oklahoma City bomber on Wednesday May 16. However, as ASSCROFT
also fully supports the redneck agenda, he already regards McVeigh as a martyr
in waiting. Now, fate in the form of further FBI incompetence has stepped
in once again. At a press conference here today ASSCROFT announced a
delay in the execution and pay-per-view event until June 11,
to allow time to review some three thousand documents which surfaced yesterday
during the process of archiving material at the FBI.
When asked for comment, President MORON said,
"Gee, in Texas we jes' threw a switch! I don't know about all this paperwork
stuff, I only hope I'll be able to get through all pending executions before
they throw me out of here! I was only able to sign a hundred and fifty-two
death warrants in Texas, McVeigh is still sixteen ahead of me!"
JEB PERFECTS TALKING OUT OF BOTH SIDES OF HIS MOUTH
By Jay O'Three
TALLAHASSEE, FL - 5/9/01 Governor Jeb has moved one step closer to the
perfect duplicity evidenced by his MORONIC brother. While asserting
that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the Florida electoral system, he
nonetheless signed a bill today to spend thirty-two million dollars to
reform that system. Although he and "friend" Katherine Harris were
able to manipulate the system, reject thousands of valid votes,
delay recounts, apply inconsistent standards, and ultimately declare
President MORON the victor while admitting that they did not know
the real outcome, apparently that just wasn't good enough.
Yesterday, it came to light that in two counties optical scanners
found over five thousand ballots that should have been recast, but
the five thousand voters were denied that right and summarily
disenfranchised because it was "inconvenient." Yet,
this "technology" has been chosen for deployment statewide. From
now on, minority voters won't have to be intimidated and elderly voters
won't have to be misled. They will just become inconveniences. This
new system will allow them to leave the polls secure in the knowledge that
their votes didn't count.
THE DICK URGES A FRESH LOOK AT NUCLEAR POWER
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 5/8/01 In an interview on CNN today, the DICK
said increasing the supply of energy would be the solution to
America's energy needs. Having already dismissed conservation
out of hand and insulting anyone involved with conservation efforts,
he picked the one and only industry more harmful to the environment
than his beloved petrochemical industry as the solution.
He stated that Americans need to take a fresh
look at nuclear power which he described as "safe" because it
does not emit CO2. Apparently, awareness of his own mortality
is the reason why to this day he has offered no suggestion as to
how to store nuclear waste for over one thousand years. He said, "Since I
will probably not even last through one term, I couldn't care less
about the future. They'll never build a nuke in MY backyard!
Besides, I am raking in huge profits from my oil investments.
I feel perfectly entitled to exploit my office for personal gain,
after all that is exactly why President MORON and I were elected with such
a clear mandate in that landslide victory last December 12th."
PRESIDENT MORON'S NO HARRY POTTER
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/7/01 After solving the alleged energy crisis in
California last week, PRESIDENT MORON asserted today that he is
helpless in controlling fuel prices which are expected to rise to
unprecedented levels over $3.00 per gallon this summer. Claiming there is no
short term solution, he instead asked the country to "hold on" for another
ten years or so until The DICK's corporate sponsored energy plan of domestic
exploration and more refineries kicks in. White House spokesman Ari
Fleischer told reporters "President MORON has no magic wand that he can wave
over gas and oil companies and make them cut back on their highest profit
margins in years. Americans will simply have to spend their share of
President MORON's tax cut at Texaco."
PRESIDENT MORON PISSES OFF UNGRATEFUL WORLD
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/7/01 Secretary of Defense Donald "Duck" Rumsfeld accused
the rest of the world of being ungrateful and unappreciative of the United
States on NBC's "Meet The Press" Sunday morning. His MORONIC statement was in
reply to a question about the recent ouster of the United States from the
U.N. Human Rights Commission in an apparent reaction to President MORON's
foreign policy, or lack thereof, while ungrateful countries like Cuba, Sudan
and China retained their seats on the Commission. In a related story, a U.S.
Air Force RC-135 resumed surveillance flights along the Chinese coast today.
PRESIDENT MORON CELEBRATES CUATRO DE MAYO
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/04/01 President MORON today held the first ever
celebration of Cinco de Mayo at "Mi Casa Blanca" on May 4. Commenting on
President MORON's plan to provide a Spanish version of his weekly radio
address tomorrow, spokesman Ari Fleischer really told reporters "He said he
hopes he doesn't butcher the Spanish as badly as he has the English", proving
once again that these MORONIC news stories write themselves.
PRESIDENT MORON UNVEILS T-BALL INITIATIVE
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/04/01 Having apparently achieved his goals of a tax break
for the wealthy and fixin Social Security and the energy crisis, President
MORON turned to more important matters and constructed his own field of
dreams - a Little League T-ball field built by White House groundskeepers on
the South Lawn. Lamenting that he missed the only real job he has ever had,
baseball owner, President MORON enacted the "T-ball initiative" and is now
set to challenge the country's best six year olds in Amerka's national
pastime. "T-ball is great because you don't have to pitch the ball, you just
hit it off a tee. So I won't have to embarrass myself again throwin out the
first pitch. Its also an important foreign policy program. Its important to
start our kids off early enough so the Chinese don't win anymore Little
League Championships." Next up - kite flying on the Ellipse.
PRESIDENT MORON SOLVES CALIFORNIA ENERGY CRISIS
By HSRE Brain
SACRAMENTO, CA - 5/03/01 After criticizing Wilsonian de-regulation, refusing
to curb price gouging by out-of state energy barons, and ordering the DICK
"no conflict of interest here" Cheney to 'study' the problem, President MORON has
stepped up to the plate and solved California's energy crisis. However,
instead of actually visiting the state where he was clobbered in the fall,
the First MORON announced that he is sending Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham
to California to tell federal employees to use less electricity. "California
only has about 12% of the Amerkin population so I figured if the fedral
gov'ment turned off some lights when they go home, problem solved, or at
least for now until we start oil drillin' in Monterey Bay and buildin' more
nukuler plants." he proudly proclaimed.
BOTTLENOSED DOLPHINS SURPASS PRESIDENT MORON
By Jay O'Three
NEW YORK, NY - 5/2/01 Researchers announced in the Proceedings
of the National Academy of Sciences that bottlenosed
dolphins are capable of Mirror Self-Recognition or MSR. This
is an advanced cognitive ability once thought to be found
only in higher primates. This also places the bottlenosed
dolphin head and shoulders above President MORON who does
not see himself, but rather a confused hodgepodge of former
Republicans and teleprompter cues when he looks in the mirror.
Diana Reiss of Columbia University and Lori Morino of Emory University
used dolphins at the New York Aquarium to demonstrate the
behavior here today. "The fact that this higher cognitive
function can be found in non-primates adds weight to the
possibility that it might also be absent in some MORONic
primates," Reiss observed.
PRESIDENT MORON A FIXIN SOCIAL SECURITY
By HSRE Brain
WARSHINGTON, DC - 5/2/01 Like a freight train coming down the mountain
without its brakes, President MORON today continued his assault on the middle
class by tapping AOL Time Warner executive Richard Parsons to lead a
commission to recommend the privatization of Social Security. Although the
16-member panel is supposed to "study" the idea, President MORON's hand-picked
members are already clearly in favor of allowing Social Security payroll
taxes to be invested in the stock market. In support of his decision, President
MORON commented "I truly believe that investin' Social Security funds in AOL,
Tosco, and Duke Energy will at the very least save retirement for me and my
wealthy friends."
FREEH CAUGHT WEARING HOOVER'S WARDROBE
By Jay O'Three
WASHINGTON, DC - 5/1/01 In an announcement that stunned all but the
most influential insiders and disappointed President MORON,
FBI Director Louis Freeh said that he will
be leaving his post in June at a gathering of all Regional Directors here
today. Fearing the villification that followed
J. Edgar Hoover when his cross-dressing was exposed, Freeh denied owning
a red evening gown and matching high heeled pumps.
He explained that his tenure had
been marked by candor, and he was not about to stop now. Reminding
agents that he had failed to stop Tim McVeigh, wrongly accused Richard
Jewell, falsely accused Janet Reno of collusion in White House
fund-raising, allowed Eric Robert Rudolph to escape, burned down the
house in Waco, and falsely accused Nuclear Scientist Wen Ho
Lee, Freeh stood tall and proclaimed the FBI the best little law enforcement
agency in Washington, D.C.
McMORON'S NAVY PRACTICES BOMBING U.S.
By HSRE Brain
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO - 5/1/01 In order to "get it right",
McMORON's Navy
resumed practice bombing of its own citizens Monday on the tiny island
of Vieques following a day of rest on Sunday. Despite objections by Puerto
Rican officials that the blasting is unsafe for the island's 9,000 residents,
McMORON's Navy has scoffed at the idea that regular noise levels measuring
over 190 decibels produced by the shelling are somehow unhealthy. Hundreds
of Democrats have been arrested for protesting the bombing, including Rep.
Luis Gutierrez, D-Il (blue state), Robert Kennedy, Jr., and Edward James
Olmos. When asked about the barrage and possible health problems, President
MORON replied "I learned in school the other day that Puerto Rico is not a
state at all, but a protectorate. So, we need to practice protectoratin'
them. The rights of a few folks who can't vote and don't pay taxes is a
small price to pay for trainin' our soldiers to get it right."
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