PresidentMoron.com

News Archive July 2001

One arrhythmic heartbeat away

THE DICK GETS AN IMPLANT
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/2/01 The DICK Cheney, Vice President and puppetmaster for President MORON returned to duty today with a little something extra. Embedded in his chest is an internal cardiac defibrillator made by Medtronic. The model Gem III DR can be controlled externally by the 9790 Programmer also made by Medtronic. It can also be controlled by various cellular phones, walkie-talkies, microwave ovens, and x-ray metal detectors. This is the second mechanical device implanted in The DICK's chest, a stent was implanted earlier this year. President MORON's administration has apparently embarked on a project to construct a bionic Vice President starting with the heart, which is merely a vestigial organ in Banana Republicans.

Be careful what you wish for

COME HELL OR HIGH WATER
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/9/01 As a flood ravages West Virginia today, President MORON is once again forced to confront one of his campaign decisions. When he colluded with his brother, Katherine Harris and Clarence Thomas, he vowed to be president "Come Hell or High Water." Ironically every flood since his illegitimate inauguration on that cold grey Saturday in January, has hit a Red State. Unnamed sources have reported that President MORON'S recently created faith-based initiative office, the White House Office of Religious Expansionism (WHORE) has contacted the National Zoo and requested that two of every animal be available at a moment's notice. This unintended consequence may portend an even more severe outcome for President MORON in that although he said "Hell or High Water", the two are not mutually exclusive. Has anyone noticed it getting hotter in the White House?

Profiteering has always been the American Way!

A SCOOP OF THE DICK'S POOP
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 7/9/01 Explaining what may have led to The DICK's internal defibrillation, a story recently published by the Warshington Post revealed that The DICK lied about the petrochemical company he headed before becoming the leader of the free world. During the 2000 presidential campaign, The DICK vehemently denied that Texas-based Halliburton Co. had extensive dealings with Iraq, but United Nation documents recently released disclose that two of Halliburton's foreign subsidiaries had contracts to sell $73 million dollars in oil production equipment and spare parts to Iraq and traded with Baghdad for more than a year while The DICK was chairman and CEO, as well as doing business with Iran and Libya. When confronted with the truth, The DICK replied "$73 million dollars of trade? That's not extensive and I don't agree with the sanctions anyway. American petroleum companies in which I hold $8 million dollars of stock options need to sell oil drilling equipment to Iraq. Why do you think I bombed the hell out of it in the first place?"

President MORON attempts bunker shot while searching for the real killers of Nicole Brown Simpson at the exclusive Cape Arundel Golf Club in Kennebunkport, ME.

AMAZING INDEED
By HSRE Brain

KENNEBUNKPORT, ME - 7/9/01 Breaking his "no-work on weekends" practice of rest at the ranch in Crawford, Texas, President MORON instead traveled north to celebrate his 55th year of silver spoon-fed privilege and spent the past weekend fishin' and golfin' at "Dubya" Point, the family castle in Maine. Daughter Jenna, noticeably absent from the numerous photo-ops at the family compound, presented President MORON with a lovely birthday gift on Friday when her attorney pleaded 'no contest' to her second violation of underage drinking laws this year and she was ordered by Texas Communtiy Court Judge Elisabeth Earle to pay $600 in fines, perform 36 hours of community service, and have her driver's license suspended for 30 days. All in all, it was a weekend of fun and frolic at the MORON estate, a chance for President MORON to forget about his plummeting public opinion polls and a reminder that the good life for one-term wealthy presidents continues on after office. President MORON even found time to squeeze in a meeting with Condoleezza Rice and Andy Card to learn about what's up in Amerker after his Saturday morning golf game. He then actually told reporters "The amazing thing about this job is the job seems to follow you around". And, reacting to information that an AP reporter covering the "First Birthday" also celebrated a birthday on Friday, President MORON actually said "The amazing thing is that we'll have our birthday on the same day again next year." The amazing thing is that this guy will still be President next year!

Editor's Note: presidentmoron.com's staff was also on vacation last week, celebrating our nation's currently illusory independence by camping in a national forest while there were still trees left standing. We apologize for the lack of news coverage, but we, unlike President MORON, have to do our own work.

Let me jes' cross out this First Amendment here . . .

PRESIDENT MORON CAN'T GET ENOUGH FAITH
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/9/01 In a Rose Garden ceremony today, President MORON signed a declaration "Fulfilling the Promise of America." Gathered were many of the potential beneficiaries of his proposed legislation which would take money from all taxpayers and give it to select religious organizations. President MORON then urged Congress to pass legislation to fund his newly formed faith-based initiative office, the White House Office of Religious Expansionism (WHORE) and to disregard the clear violation of Constitutional separation between Church and State. He said, "What we have in mind is giving your tax dollars to our Christian Coalition contributors so that they can tell you to pray for your own salvation if you ever get into financial difficulty. We will of course be cutting every other program that serves the needy because we have already given away all surplus tax revenues to the very very wealthy. This jes' ties up a loose end. The government should not be in the business of helpin' poor folk. If you are poor, you can beg at one of our hand picked churches. They won't help you, but at least you won't keep thinkin' it's the government's problem, they will explain to you that it's your own fault you weren't born rich."

President MORON and John ASScroft demonstrate why they invited Senator Hillary Clinton to accompany them to New York

"NEW YORK, NEW YORK"
By HSRE Brain

NEW YORK, NY - 7/10/01 President MORON finally visited the third largest state, arriving today in New York City accompanied by his arch nemesis, Senator Hillary Clinton, because, well, he needed something to do. The trip was, in fact, a thinly veiled attempt to suck up to two groups of voters he has alienated in the past - Latinos and Catholics. President MORON first visited Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty, where he promised to somehow come up with $500 million to speed up immigration applications. He then hopped on over to St. Patrick's Cathedral where he posthumously awarded the Congressional Gold Medal to the family of New York's beloved Cardinal O'Connor, the man President MORON personally alienated last summer by campaigning at Bob Jones University, whose fearless leader considers Catholicism a Satanic cult. When questioned about his reception in the Big Apple, President MORON quipped "Heck, if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere." Not likely, as he lost the state in the fall by almost two to one and Democratic voters outnumber Banana Republicans 5 to 3.

Look Out, President MORON!

WEST WING EVACUATED AGAIN
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/12/01 Once again the West Wing of the White House was evacuated today for a bomb scare. A bomb sniffing dog reacted to a car parked in the driveway two separate times prompting the evacuation. Ultimately, a can of gasoline was found in the trunk of the car which belonged to a Congressional Staffer. This was not the first "threat" to President MORON's safety which prompted the swift action of his staff. On April 12, as reported here, President MORON was threatened by a pink backpack. In both cases the perpetrator seemed to be the Sanrio character "Hello Kitty."

Too bad about your job . . .

YOU MAY LOSE YOUR JOB, BUT PRESIDENT MORON WON'T
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/13/01 On Friday the thirteenth, White House Budget Director Mitch Daniels testified before the Senate Budget Committee today and said that we are in for a rough ride. According to Daniels, unemployment, already up to four and a half percent, will rise to over five percent by fall. The tax cut which was sold to unsuspecting Americans as a way to stimulate the economy has in fact, done just the opposite. The economy has been slowing every month since President MORON took office. The projected budget surplus has also evaporated. At a loss to explain the contradictory results, Daniels resorted to blaming the previous administration, pointing to imaginary factors beyond President MORON's control, mumbling and eventually just hiding under the desk until the hearing was adjourned.

ASScroft tells Congress he will not rest until every American citizen is packing an AK-47

NRA ALL THE WAY!
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 7/13/01 Top cop John ASScroft, apparently the tenth Justice of the Supreme Court, announced yesterday that the Justice Department has determined the 2nd Amendment bestows the absolute right to bear arms on individual citizens and is not solely a collective right through the formation of militias as it has been traditionally interpreted. The ASScroft apparently sees no conflict of interest between his card-carrying membership in the "no gun control" National Rifle Association and the new Justice position. A spokesperson for the ASScroft reiterated that the opinion in no way changes the current DOJ position on gun control, stating "Mr. ASScroft as Attorney General would never support child safety locks on handguns or require criminals who visit gun shows to undergo a background check before their Constitutionally protected purchase."

Here we go again . . .

PRESIDENT MORON SUCCESSFULLY RESTARTS ARMS RACE
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/16/01 One direct consequence of President MORON's Missile Defense program DIAPHRAGM has been a new arms alliance between China and Russia. President MORON's father always regretted the collapse of the Soviet Union because it essentially rendered his previous career as director of the CIA meaningless. President MORON and his rerun Secretary of Defense, Donald "Duck" Rumsfeld have paid lip service to the fact that the Cold War is over, but they have done everything in their power to get it going again. Unilaterally violating the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty this nation signed in 1972, President MORON has clearly indicated to our former enemies that we can not be trusted, and that they should react in kind. Thus, through fear-mongering, President MORON has created a brand new imaginary threat as a basis for new irresponsible defense spending. President MORON said, "Look, this is how Reagan did it. He was able to use irrational fear to quadruple the national debt and give trillions of tax dollars to defense contractors for fantasy based weapons. He eventually plunged the entire world into a recession and contractors did not have to pay back one single cent! You dot communists have no idea how to sink an economy, but believe me, my Daddy's people do! If you don't make weapons or produce oil, just stay out of the way! If you thought the surplus was dryin' up before, you were dreamin'! I have also commissioned The DICK to explore puttin' up a wall somewhere in Germany."

Beauty may be skin deep but in Florida, equal protection definitely is not

SURPRISE, SURPRISE - DOUBLE STANDARD IN FLORIDA
By HSRE Brain

NEW YORK, NY - 7/16/01 The New York Times yesterday published the results of its own investigation into the 2000 Florida election debacle, finding that state Banana Republican officials counted overseas and absentee ballots by grossly different standards, depending on whether they were located in Banana or Democratic districts. The report belies prior contentions and statements by head Bozo Katherine Harris and President MORON officials that voting rules were followed uniformly and not changed in midstream. Among the 2,490 overseas ballots reviewed by the Times that were counted in the "election," four out of every five were counted in a Banana Republican district, including 344 with late, illegible or missing postmarks, 183 ballots mailed from within the U.S., 96 lacking signatures or the address of a witness, 169 from unregistered voters or voters who had not requested a ballot, 5 received past the Nov. 17 deadline, and 19 from voters submitting 2 ballots, of which both were counted. The report adds yet another layer of corruption at the feet of the Banana Republicans which includes a litany of civil rights violations cited by the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, faulty ballots and outdated voting machines as well as the farcical equal protection standard applied by the Supreme Court Gang of Five. Apparently in Florida, "equal protection" only applies to overseas and military votes cast for the MORON. President MORON spokesman Ari Fleisher once again resorted to "sour grapes" obfuscation of the continuing revelations regarding the Florida election, whining, "Democrats need to get over it. President MORON has moved on and so should they. Whether or not James Baker repeatedly said that it's not fair to change the rules and standards governing the counting or recounting of votes, it was the only way we had to ensure the corporate mandate of the people who bought the election."

The DICK hopes the defibrillator is fully charged as he suffers yet another heart attack while attending a POOP convention in Pittsburg, PA *

THE DICK REFUSES TO WALLOW IN HIS OWN POOP
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 7/17/01 The cost of recharging his defibrillator is going up and The DICK Cheney wants you to pay for it. Accordingly, he has requested that the Banana Republican controlled House of No Representatives provide a whopping $186,000.00 out of the McMORON's Navy budget for his skyrocketing electricity bill. Ironically, The DICK last evening presided over the first in a series of town meetings stacked with hand-picked Banana Republican supporters and softball questions tailored to sell this Petrochemical Ownership Of Presidency (POOP) to America. President MORON disagreed with criticism that the DICK's request demonstrates a staggering insensitivity to the economic hardships facing millions of working families struggling to meet higher energy costs, blamed the high elctricity bill on Al Gore and added "The fedral govment is helpin' pay Amerker's high costs of energy. Amerkins can not only afford the cost of gasoline but can pay for their elictriky...elecktricy...uh, energy bills with the refund they receive from my tax cut. That three hundred dollars sure is gonna go a long way!"

Without a she, there couldn't be a we

KATHERINE GRAHAM DIED
By Jay O'Three

BOISE, ID - 7/17/01 Katherine Graham, legendary publisher of the Washington Post died. May she rest in peace.

At least The DICK's and my tax cuts will be right!

PRESIDENT MORON'S IRS LIES ABOUT TAX CUT
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/17/01 Spending tens of millions of taxpayer dollars to crow about the one and only legislative success of this administration, the IRS sent out letters to one hundred twelve million Americans to tell them their checks were in the mail. Today IRS Commissioner Charles Rossotti admitted that the amounts of the refunds quoted in the letters were wrong! The paltry sums promised in the letters are not even going to be the amounts received by unsuspecting taxpayers. The letter already widely regarded as a grandstanding ploy by President MORON has brought to light a significant problem with puppet governments. When appointees are accountable to no one, they do not perform in the public interest. The IRS also stated that it will require the entire rest of the Federal Budget Surplus to correct its mistake, so unfortunately the aforementioned tax refunds will no longer be forthcoming.

On his way to pay homage to Churchill at his bunker, President MORON "salutes" another WWII figure who overthrew his government as well

HUBRIS TOUR II
By Jay O'Three

LONDON, ENGLAND - 7/18/01 President MORON has arrived here on his second HUBRIS tour of the year. This time, he will wrap up the Irish peace process, tell the Queen of England what to do, correct the Pope on matters religious, explain to the leaders at the G-8 why unilateral violation of anti-ballistic misssile treaties is good, and spread more false information about global warming proclaiming it "science." He will then travel to Kosovo and tell peacekeepers a thing or two.

Just before he left, he commissioned another study on global warming because the last study which was carried out by scientists did not provide the conclusion he wanted. This next study will be conducted by spin doctors, pseudo-scientists, psychics and petrochemical industry luminaries. They are expected to conclude that, as President MORON has always believed, global warming is only a problem if you are not making billions of dollars in profits from it. He said, "I never bin to Kyoto. We'll jes' keep studyin' it until we get the answer we want."

Wild in the Streets

THEY'RE JUST DYING TO SEE HIM IN GENOA
By Jay O'Three

GENOA, ITALY - 7/20/01 Today, President MORON attended the G-8 summit and there were over one hundred fifty thousand protestors and twenty thousand police in the streets. One person was killed by police gunshot and hundreds were injured by police who were again caught unprepared just as they were in Seattle and Quebec. Unfortunately, this death will overshadow the compelling HUBRIS laden one-dimensional message from President MORON which will cause such consternation and unease among the other attendees. At least this time, while Rome burns the fourth estate is not covering Nero's fiddle playing.

President MORON gets advice from the MORON family member with the higest IQ, Barney

IT'S ALL TRUE
By Jay O'Three

SCRANTON, PA 7/22/01 Released this month to the academic community, a study by the Lovenstein Institute, a Scranton, PA think tank, confirms what has been reported here since December 12, 2000. President MORON has the LOWEST IQ of any President in the last fifty years. From the data, one may also observe the following. President MORON's IQ is exactly half of President Clinton's. The second dumbest President fathered the dumbest President. The third dumbest President selected the second dumbest as his Vice President. The highest Banana Republican IQ is lower than the average Democratic IQ. The average Banana Republican IQ is lower than ANY Democratic IQ. The Banana Republican with the highest IQ was also the ONLY President who ever had to resign from office, and ever since, there has been a distinct trend toward lower and lower and lower Banana Republican IQs. However, the study did not say whether "um" and "uh" counted toward the staggeringly small number of words in President MORON's vocabulary.

Editor's Note: This is purported to be an Urban Myth, but President MORON is still a MORON.

The 'Blue' state of Oregon can expect an energy crisis any day now

OREGON DEMOCRATS ISSUE BENCHMARK RESOLVE
By HSRE Brain

PORTLAND, OR - 7/23/01 The Oregon state Democratic Party passed a resolution this weekend in the "city that works" that calls on Congress to fully investigate the role of the Supreme Court Gang of Five in the past presidential election, and which could ultimately lead to impeachment hearings. With evidence mounting that the Banana Republicans conspired for their own equal protection in Flori'duh, the resolution targets Scalia & Co. - Kennedy, O'Connor, Rehnquist, and Thomas, and their part in the unprecedented decision to overthrow the vote of the American people, including the incestuous composition of President MORON's legal team with Scalian and Thomasonian family members, and the failure of the "justices" to recuse themselves accordingly. One is reminded of the eloquent words of Justice John Paul Stevens as each episode of electoral chicanery is unveiled: "One thing, however, is certain. Although we may never know with complete certainty the identity of the winner of this year's Presidential election, the identity of the loser is perfectly clear. It is the Nation's confidence in the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law. I respectfully dissent."

A White House spokesman was unable to comment because President MORON was out of the country acting "presidentially" but crowed, "The people in Oregon should get with the program," and suggested that if they persist, they should start worrying about their own absentee ballots come next November.

The DICK refused to discuss his POOP as he shopped for the latest in diesel powered artificial heart machines

THE DICK TO GAO - "I'VE GOT A SECRET, NYA, NYA, NYA, NYA, NYA"
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 7/25/01 The General Accounting Office, the investigative arm of Congress, wants to know who is responsible for The DICK Cheney's POOP and has demanded that The DICK turn over the identities of those on his energy task force and the records of their meetings. Desperate to keep his dark and sticky POOP a secret, a spokeswoman for The DICK labeled the demand "silliness", and the DICK has refused to provide any information regarding the unethical and improper ties between the task force and the owners and lobbyists for the energy industry. Additionally, top presidential advisor Carl Rove has been mum when asked to explain his consultations with Ken Lay, Chairman of Enron and one of President MORON's leading contributors, during the formation of the POOP at a time when Rover held extensive stock holdings in Enron. President MORON pledged to support The DICK's position because, well, The DICK has given him no other choice, and added "So what if his plan benefits oil companies that made large financial contributions to my election and members of my administration who own those companies. Isn't that what it's all about? It certainly was in Texas."

Editor's Note: In a related story, Senate Democrats are threatening to subpoena MORONIC administration records on its handling of the environment, if in fact any exist at all...

That's right, five corrupt judges

PRESIDENT MORON RECEIVES REPORT ON ELECTION LAW
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 7/31/01 In a rose garden ceremony, former President Carter presented President MORON with a report today outlining recommended changes to election laws. The report was produced by the National Commission on Federal Election Reform which was co-chaired by former Presidents Carter and Ford. The report made recommendations which were based on four basic premises. Those were, that the nation must continue to respect the role of state, county and local governments in elections, that the federal government should have a limited role in election problem resolution, that the rights of ethnic and racial minorities, the elderly and those who do not speak English should be vigorously protected by election officials, and that the government must safeguard absentee ballots against abuse. It is notable that President MORON violated each and every one of these premises in his overthrow of the government last year, and that if he had followed any of them, he would not be in the White House today. Further, it is notable that the former Republican president on this commission was never even elected to either the Vice Presidency or the Presidency. President MORON said, "I know these guys were both President so I guess they must know something about beating the system. I don't like any specifics in the report, but I am pleased to participate in this empty ceremony because it lends the appearance of legitimacy to my Residency, uh... Presidency."

In a related story, Katherine Harris has become the target of an investigation by a special committee formed by the Florida state legislature because rather than focusing on election reform, she has instead spent over three million taxpayer dollars on travel and "international relations." Her travel expenses exceed those of any other cabinet member, and in fact exceed the governor's own travel expenses as well. She said, "International Relations is just a euphemism for whoring myself out on the taxpayer's dime. Just because I never got an ambassadorship didn't mean I was going to cancel my travel plans. I need to meet contributors who will fund my bid for the House of Representatives, and it is going to take a lot of 'relations' to guarantee my victory."

Alleged Harvard MBA tells Amerker that the economy is "A-OK"

PRESIDENT MORON CONTINUES TO FAIL ECONOMICS 101
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 7/31/01 The US Treasury announced today that instead of paying down $57 billion in debt as originally planned this fiscal quarter, it now has to borrow $51 billion in order to pay the $38 billion dollar TaxCutForTheRich and have some money left over to run the government. Economic experts further warned that the TaxCutForTheRich and an additional harebrained corporate tax deferment in a downward spiraling economy may force President MORON to dip into Social Security to pay for his MORONIC takeover bid on Amerker. President MORON was at a loss when asked where all the money went, but insisted that private investment in Wall Street will solve Social Security anyway and urged "Amerkins to now consider buying Treasury bills with their tax checks."

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