PresidentMoron.com

News Archive October 2001

Infamous crisis solver Katherine Harris announces she will again rescue President MORON and a nation

AMERKER SUFFERS FURTHER FALLOUT FROM "TERRORBLE" TUESDAY
By HSRE Brain

TALLAHASSEE, FL - 10/2/01 In an example of her own rattlebrained sense of importance and vacuous hubris, Jeb Bush's kept woman Katherine Harris yesterday announced she is running for Congress in 2002 because "In light of the recent tragedy, I am more committed than ever to serving this president, and our nation." In an even more incredibly absurd turn of events, her illegitimate election is almost assured since as Floriduh Secretary of State she will be presiding over her own election, despite last week's state audit which determined that her office violated state travel laws by flying first class, and used department cellular phones for personal use while misreporting expenses. Harris' immediate reaction was to snipe at the report as petty and place the blame on her inspector general Dwight Chastain, who in a separate report, stated he had only been permitted to speak directly to the Harris on a single occasion in the nearly two years he served as IG. In an apparently related story, 98 year old Senator and doorstop Strom Thurmond (R-SC) collapsed on the Senate floor today.

President MORON tries to explain all this complicated "war" stuff

PRESIDENT MORON OFFERS TO BUY AFGHANISTAN
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 10/4/01 Refusing to give the ruling Taliban any evidence of Osama bin Laden's guilt in the recent terrorist acts, President MORON instead today announced a $320 million offer for the purchase of Afghanistan from the "Afghanistanese people" before attempting to pulverize it into oblivion. What a difference a few months make, as it was only last spring that President MORON made the United States the main sponsor of the Taliban, rewarding the top violators of human rights and hosts of bin Laden with a generous gift of $43 million dollars and other aid in May for its promise to be an ally in the MORONICON's never-ending war on drugs. Ironically, experts now warn that millions of tons of raw Afghani heroin that was withheld by the Taliban will now be dumped on the black market as President MORON begins his newest never-ending war. When asked why $320 million, President MORON replied "Make no mistake about it, it's a fair market price ... for a country that has little more than a bunch a mountains, caves, 'n evildoers, and we get some opium to boot."

Let's go get those oil rights, boys!

DELTA FORCE DICK
By Jay O'Three

TASHKENT, UZBEKISTAN - 10/5/01 As President MORON said in his address to the nation on September 20, some of the actions taken in this war might never be known. Even on that night, the elusive, and bio-medically enhanced Vice President was nowhere to be seen. PresidentMORON.com has since learned that, far from being secretly dead, The DICK is actually taking part in an ultra-secret forward deployment of the US Army's Delta Force here in the Former Soviet Republic of Uzbekistan. The covert mission's presence is being masked by the deployment of an additional thousand hapless pawns from the Tenth Mountain Group who are allegedly here for humanitarian reasons. There are apparently some unresolved "after conflict" oil and gas pipeline rights which need sewing up before bombing patterns can be finalized, and the Administration has felt it necessary to tap their top man for the mission. Speaking out of the side of his mouth, The DICK mumbled, "Well, with a hundred percent chance of more terrorism back home, this may be the safest place for me! Besides, RUMMY is here too! But since this is an ultra-secret mission, I will of course deny it until my last breath - a good couple of weeks or so..."

Was it a bomb, or a "Happy Meal?"

MUNITION OR NUTRITION?
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 10/8/01 Depending on where you stood in Afghanistan, various gifts from the United States may have rained down on you last night. There were reportedly fifty cruise missiles, and thirty-seven thousand, five hundred emergency meals. So, if it didn't blow up, it was probably edible. This mixed message was apparently the direct result of President MORON's clear-headed thinking. "After we're done smokin' 'em out, they're gonna wanna eat!"

I told you I'd git you a job...

HOMELAND NOW SECURE
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 10/8/01 In a ceremony at the White House Today, President MORON signed an executive order creating a new cabinet-level position, Fatherland Security Director. He was then able to give this new plum job to one of his old friends, the former Governor of Pennsylvania, Tom Ridge. While constantly railing against the expansion of the Federal Government, President MORON has determined that the solution to the terrorist problem in this country is yet another layer of bureaucracy. Apparently hijacked aircraft cannot penetrate a shield of red tape, so we can all breathe a little easier. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas added an air of "legitimacy" by swearing Ridge in. That job was to fall to The DICK, but as previously reported here, he was unavailable.

Until further notice, President MORON's lips are sealed

PRESIDENT MORON KNOWS BEST
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, D.C., US - 10/10/01 President MORON today affirmed his Amerker's hell-bent commitment to The MORON Doctrine and that the economy, hunger, health care, education, energy, and the environment will just have to wait until they can be perverted to appearing to fight terrorism, or when his poll numbers decrease. In keeping with his new found tunnel-vision, President MORON scolded members of Congress for telling classified stuff to the Amerkin people like, "There is a 100% chance of further terrorism," and responded angrily to critics of his executive order limiting disclosure of information regarding the pounding of Afghanistan to only a Supreme Court handpicked few by exclaiming "Make no mistake about it, you jest have to trust me. You want the truth? Amerkin folks and Democrats can't handle the truth."

In a related story, a spokesperson representing the big five corporate news agencies announced that there will be no more news reported that is not related to America Strikes Back. Instead, the people of the United States can look forward to months of "watching recycled patriotic ramblings by President MORON, condescending sabre rattling press conferences by MORONIC Cabinet members, endless commentary from retired military dullards and poli-sci pudding heads ... and don't forget lots of maps 'n stuff and things getting blown up."

The DICK reportedly spent the weekend hiding in this Alexandria, VA hotel after telling President MORON what to say to Jiang Zemin

PRESIDENT MORON EATS SLICE OF HUBRIS PIE
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 10/16/01 In contrast to his spoonfed black & white, good v. evil world view, President MORON will be forced to swallow some crow when he visits China this week on the latest leg of HUBRIS Tour 2001. Instead of demonizing the Middle Kingdom as he did in speech after speech during the theft of presidency campaign and in his failed attempt at restarting the Cold War in April, President MORON now is prepared to beg China's indulgence in his war on terrorism in its own backyard. It was reported that President MORON practiced his new approach this weekend with The DICK, who again was not panicking but nevertheless was whisked off to an unknown secure location in order to preserve the presidential 'continuation of unbroken protocols' (COUP). President MORON hinted at this new approach to China by volunteering to the press "As I see it now, a few human rights violations here and there ... no problem. Nukaler ballistical missiles, spyin', silencin' of all public dissent against the party and govment, enemy of religious freedom and sponsor of forced abortion? Well, we can agree to talk about that later. There's a bigger evil in this world now and its name is Osama and like everythin' else, it'll halfta wait til we wipe up the evildoers and build that pipeline in Afghanistan."

There, one more pillar of democracy knocked out!

ANTI-TERRORISM BILL STRIKES AT THE HEART OF ENDURING FREEDOM
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 10/26/01 At a White House signing ceremony here today, President MORON authorized John ASSCROFT to surround everyone with everything we've got. The Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism or "U.S.A. PATRIOT" Act of 2001 makes it a crime to even think you are entitled to civil liberties. The FBI will now have the authority to listen to every single telephone conversation that ever occurs. The new law also requires the FBI to read every e-mail message sent over the Internet. It provides for detaining people who do not look like "Real Americans" for an indefinite period of time without the inconvenience of having to charge them with crimes. President MORON remarked, "Even though I don't have any idea why the evil-doers hate us, I know that we were attacked because folks here have way too much freedom. So we will make Americans safer by taking their freedom away!"

House Shopping Network

HOUSE SHOPPING NETWORK OFFERS BILLION $$ REBATE
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 10/26/01 While President MORON continues to spend your money on the most expensive manhunt in history, padding the pockets of the defense industry, House Banana Republicans took their turn at exploiting 'Terror'ble Tuesday by passing a corporate welfare package under the guise of "economic stimulus." Making plastic flag and t-shirt vendors on home shopping networks look amateurish, the House took this shameless profiteering to a new level, voting along party lines to repeal the corporate Alternative Minimum Tax, which forces the most profitable U.S. companies to pay token taxes. The measure would also give rebates for all corporate taxes paid in the past 15 years, including bonus gifts to poor disadvantaged companies such as $1.4 billion to IBM, $833 million to GM, $671 million to GE, and surprise, surprise, $572 million to Chevron/Texaco and $254 million to Enron. President MORON applauded the Banana Republican House action, and called on the Senate to quickly pass similar legislation so, "I kin give more money back to my fri'nds and contributors faster 'n even my boss, Mr. Cheney thought possible without arousin' suspishun."

Coming soon to the House Shopping Network: Discount oil & gas drilling leases in national wildlife refuges!

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