PresidentMoron.com

News Archive November 2001

B-52s Magic Carpet-Bombing

CARPET BOMBING USHERS IN NOVEMBER SWEEPS
By HSRE Brain

NEW YORK, NY - 11/1/01 U.S. jets began carpet bombing Afghanistan yesterday in an effort to rekindle patriotic fervor and boost President MORON's ratings during the all important November sweeps. The lack of titillating guided-missile videos and close-up dead terrorist photos has already led to waning interest and viewership of the waronbinladen. Indicative of Amerker's short attention span was Matt Lauer's guaranteed ratings grabber interview with the parents of Chandra Levy this morning on NBC's Today Show in lieu of gratuitous file footage of jets taking off at night from aircraft carriers. Together with the increase in airstrikes, vague 'unconfirmed' reports of the deployment of U.S. ground troops, and President MORON's claim that he won't stop for Ramadan, the heightened waronbinladen effort promises that the MORONICON will offer stiff competition this month to network series premiers, special guest appearances, and all new When Animals Attack specials, as well as rivaling Banana Republican attacks on cloning and the sex lives of Democrats. Viewers yesterday were offered a preview of the new reality daytime show, "The MORON's West Wing" as President MORON proclaimed that we are "makin' tremendous progress" in his war, while at the same time rerun Secretary of Defense Donald Rummyfeld insisted that the lack of progress in the waronbinladen is expected and may not be apparent until well after re-election.

Lookin' Good

NEW JERSEY AND VIRGINIA GET IT
By HSRE Brain

TRENTON, NJ/RICHMOND, VA - 11/06/01 One year to the day after voters elected Al Gore as President, the great states of New Jersey and Virginia afforded a sneak preview of next year's congressional elections by throwing off the bonds of Banana Republicanism and electing Democratic governors. New Jersey voters showed they had had enough of eight years of Banana rule and MORONICON shill Christy 'Toad' Whitman by electing Jim McGreevey by a wide margin and by giving Dems control of the Assembly and a tie in the Senate. Virginia voters chimed in by rejecting RNC chairman and lame-duck governor Jim Gilmore's hand picked successor for cell-phone mogul Mark Warner. President MORON shrugged off the Banana losses, offering "I didn't have time to campaign this fall, what with my war 'n all, and Mr. Cheney was too busy hidin'. Heck, it's only governors. Last time I looked, we didn't lose any more folks in Congress and that's what counts."

Anthrax spores found in NJ leave little doubt as to their origin

OPERATION ENDURING FREEDOM HITS CLOSE TO HOME
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 11/07/01 Amid reports that investigators believe the anthrax unleashed in the U.S. mail is not of foreign origin, Homeland Security officials began to focus their investigation on domestic laboratories that have access to the deadly bacteria. Particularly of interest is the highly toxic airborne variety which was developed by Reagan's and Daddy MORON's administrations. In response to the unconfirmed information, President MORON immediately ordered the military to prepare for air strikes and limited ground operations against the evildoers and the United States. "I made a promise to the Amerkin people that terra-ism will not stand, and I intend to keep that promise. These evildoers and the nations that harbor them will be held accountable by my administration and we will not waiver in this mission. Thus I am forced to take the drastic but essential action of bombin' the United States and will continue to do so until the evildoers are brought to justice, even into the holidays if necessary."

New best fri'nds share thoughts on "civil rights"

OPERATION FREE-DUMB ENDURES
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 11/15/01 Under the guise of "fightin' terrists," President MORON continued his relentless assault on democracy and the Constitution by signing into law a presidential order allowing trial by special military commissions of non-US citizens suspected of involvement in "terra-ism." The order gives unfettered discretionary power to President MORON & CO that contravenes fundamental principles of American justice, as well as U.S. obligations under the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights and the Geneva Convention, while conveniently granting wiretapping, surveillance and search-and-seizure authority, as well as detaining non-citizen "suspects" indefinitely and authorizing the death penalty, without any meaningful judicial oversight. This action follows the recent ASScroft "emergency order" that permits DOJ officials to eavesdrop on conversations between lawyers and "suspects" in federal custody who have been detained but not charged with any crime. President MORON defended the latest assault on civil rights as necessary because "There's no question the Taliban is the most repressive, backward group of people we have seen on the face of the Earth in a long period of time, and if we allow evildoers in Amerker to talk 'bout that kinda stuff without punishment, it could happen here, includin' how they treat women and oil company executives."

There aint no justice

PRESIDENT MORON FORCED TO RENAME BUILDING
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 11/20/01 Acknowledging that his recent actions have thoroughly undermined the checks and balances defined in The Constitution, President MORON today changed the name of the building in which John ASSCROFT operates. Noting that the term "Department of Justice" no longer applies to the activities being carried out by the Attorney General, President MORON declared that the building will now be called the Robert F. Kennedy Building. This ruse, the use of a heroic name from the past is intended to keep people from noticing that the function of this department will no longer be the pursuit of justice, but rather the support of the coup in which President MORON participated last December 12. President MORON has eliminated the oversight of the Legislative Branch in the propagation of his perpetual war against unnamed enemies of the coup. He now only issues Executive Orders which can not be reviewed by Congress. President MORON has eliminated the oversight of the Judicial Branch as well. Even though the Supreme Court participated in the coup, they have been cut out of the picture by the convening of War Tribunals which are conducted by the Executive Branch, and are free from any messy judicial oversight. This complete consolidation of power was undertaken swiftly in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on September 11. While the country was reeling from the horror of that day, the coup plotters busied themselves with this second wave of the systematic overthrow of our government. At Arlington National Cemetary it was noted that Robert Kennedy had actually turned over in his grave.

Faithful minion ASScroft acclaims the MORON who would be king

U.S. MOVES CLOSER TO MORONARCHY
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 11/29/01 President MORON continued his war on democracy today by proclaiming to the royal prosecutors that he alone would be judge, jury and executioner of suspected 'terra-ists' as a result of his recent controversial MORONarchical edict which decrees speedy, secret military tribunals instead of civil trials for evildoers. In keeping with the burgeoning MORONARCHY, John ASScroft announced the "responsible informers program" (RIP) which would award U.S. visas and other valuable prizes to foreign nationals living in the U. S. or abroad who provide information about evil. Pumping his fist, President MORON declared "I will not let archaic concepts like due process and lack of judicial oversight get in the way of fightin' for liberty."

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