PresidentMoron.com

News Archive January 2002

One for the ages . . .

PRESIDENT MORON WAXES NOSTALGIC OVER PAINTING
By Jay O'Three

AUSTIN, TX 1/4/02 - President MORON attended the unveiling of his commemorative portrait at the Capitol here today. In his teary-eyed commentary to the sycophantic faithful, he reflected wistfully on the days when killing one hundred fifty-two people in six years was considered "bloodthirsty." He then unveiled the latest shift in his unending quest to pay off his campaign contributors by subtly changing the name of his imaginary economic stimulus package to the "Imaginary Economic Security Package." After remarking that the artist had indeed done him justice, he asserted that his complete failure to capture his sworn enemy was merely an oversight and that, "It's more 'mportant to focus on gittin' the country's money into the hands of my folks than smokin' out evildoers."

Making the airways seem a little safer

PRESIDENT MORON ANNOUNCES NEW WAR WITH DRUGS
By HSRE Brain

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - 1/09/02 As the U.S. prepares to transfer several hundred Al Qaeda and Taliban detainees from Afghanistan to the prison island of Cuba, the MORONARCHY announced that the prisoners would be provided Valium as a sedative in order to make their trip a little less harrowing. However, seven top Taliban government officials who had recently surrendered in Kandahar, including the former ministers of defense and industry and the one-eyed, one-legged former justice minister who was in charge of enforcing the Taliban's insane religious laws, will not be joining the party as they were released by local authorities and promptly fled the country. President MORON's drug tsar, Asa Hutchinson, the former Deputy Attorney General who refused to investigate Iran-Contra drug smuggling and money laundering, was unavailable for comment on this latest phase of the 'War on Terra', but Republican pharmaceutical giant and major Banana Republican contributor Hoffmann-La Roche, Inc., announced that it would be replacing the yellow color of the popular 5mg 'mother's little helper' with a new red color which will join the white 2mg and blue 10mg family of anti-anxiety pills.

In other news, a middle school student in Philadelphia, apparently inspired by the new patriotic use of narcotics, passed out Xanax to 30 of her 7th and 8th grade classmates, sending a dozen to the hospital.

The latest addition to the FBI's Most Wanted List

ROGUE PRETZEL ATTACKS PRESIDENT MORON
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 1/14/02 President MORON luckily suffered only minor injuries last evening when he apparently fainted while watching football with his closest aides, Barney and Spot. President MORON told reporters he did not recall what happened but remembered eating pretzels and then waking up on the floor with a large scrape on his cheek and bruise to his lower lip, and quipped that it reminded him of his college and grad school days. The MORONARCHY however took this latest incident of domestic terror seriously and responded swiftly as Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill announced he would be freezing the assets of all organizations, individuals and corporations that serve as fronts for the baked dough industry, including Frito-Lay, Nabisco and Super Pretzel, and the FAA banned all salted pretzel products aboard domestic flights. Home security tsar Tom Ridge ordered federal and local law enforcement to begin searching Beltway convenience stores, but denied that only middle eastern owned stores were being singled out. President MORON did admit he 'may have fergot to chew' and officials were unable to obtain any additional information from Barney and Spot.

"Why, why, why?" - Enron commercial 2001

WHEN "GOOD" MEN DO NOTHING
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 1/15/02 Now that Enron stock has finally been delisted, the full scope of the MORONARCHY's complicity in this scam is beginning to emerge. Invisible man, The DICK Cheney secretly met with Enron executives six different times to devise a so-called "Energy Plan," part of the POOP (Petrochemical Ownership of Presidency) which was essentially an attack on the environment and a full payback scheme for Enron in exchange for its generous support of the coup d'etat which came to fruition on December 12, 2000. Attorney General John ASSCROFT conveniently recused himself and headed for the hills strewing a trail of Enron campaign dollars behind him. Do-gooder and MORONic Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill crowed about having declined to bail Enron out after many calls were made. Enron stockholder and Senior MORONic Adviser Karl Rove, former Enron board member and MORONic Economic Adviser Lawrence Lindsey, former Enron executive and MORONic Secretary of the Navy Thomas White and former Enron adviser and U.S. Trade Representative Robert Zoellick all professed their innocence saying that they never tried to bail out their beloved energy swindler. In this way, they carefully built a smoke screen around the true nature of their inaction. They were all clearly informed firsthand by Enron Chairman and CEO Kenneth Lay, that a crime was being perpetrated. These "upstanding" appointees of President MORON stood idly by while Lay and his cronies dumped huge blocks of their own stock, cooked the company's books, lied to their employees and colluded with their accounting firm Arthur Andersen to destroy the evidence of their actions. Although each of these individuals took an oath of office and swore to uphold The Constitution, they all apparently thought there was a complacency exemption. When pressed for comment, recently bruised and battered President MORON spat out a pretzel and said, "Look, we're havin' a 'War on Terra' now! You can't expec' my advisers to do their jobs. Jes' because some Enron workers were gonna lose their jobs and their life savings was no reason to stop our best contributor from gettin' out with a whole skin. After all, if five million dollars in campaign contributions can't buy you a little felony here or there, the whole system will break down!"

Three Sixty-Five and still alive!

ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION: ARE YOU BETTER OFF THAN YOU WERE ONE YEAR AGO?
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 1/20/02 Just for the record, we are at war, our economy is in shambles, our civil rights have been entirely revoked, and there are still three years to go. Considering how much worse the year turned out than even we here at PresidentMoron.com predicted, we will have our work cut out for us.

You are only "presumed innocent" if I say so

NOT SO INFINITE JUSTICE
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 1/24/02 Although Attorney General John ASSCROFT was quick to recuse himself from the Enron scandal because pursuing that issue might actually be part of his job, he has taken it upon himself to lead the charge in the prosecution of John Walker Lindh, the so-called American Taliban. Fearing that due process might not produce the outcome he craves, he has repeatedly read the charges against this individual with the specific intent of demonizing him so as to poison any potential jurors at his upcoming trial. Speaking at the Department of Injustice today, he went out of his way to condemn Walker in the press by claiming that Walker waived his right to an attorney, and by attempting to convince the public that a CNN interview was the same thing as evidence presented in a court of law. Ironically, Walker would have stood a better chance of getting a fair hearing under the auspices of playful War-Monger "Rerun" Rumsfeld in a Military Tribunal. Although the MORONICON has captured neither its prime target, Usama bin Laden nor its secondary target, Mullah Mohamed Omar, their villification of this one individual has been nearly perfect. At least he is consistent, as ASSCROFT also defended the denial of basic rights for the detainees held in Cuba because they are not, in his view, prisoners of war but rather "war criminals" and as such are not subject to the annoying safeguards which would be afforded them under the Geneva Convention. When pressed for comment, ASSCROFT remarked, "I know this guy is entitled to a fair trial, but after all, I lost my last election to a dead guy. I need this! And besides, Rummy gets to kill thousands of people and joke about it. Talk about Infinite Injustice..."

Rear Admiral Stufflebeem explains latest collision with hand-shadows

File photo of USS Greenville about to ram something

USS GREENEVILLE JOINS 'WAR ON TERRA'
By HSRE Brain

NORTH ARABIAN SEA, OMAN - 1/28/02 Almost a year to the date after its deadly collision with the Japanese fishing vessel Ehime Maru in Hawaii, the flagship of McMoron's Navy, the USS Greeneville, is up to its old tricks, this time attacking a U.S. transport ship, the USS Ogden, 40 miles off the coast of Oman. The Greeneville recently joined the Afghanistan war effort after running aground in Saipan on its very first mission following repairs this summer. Fortunately this time, no Texas friends of President MORON were at the helm, but the collision tore a large puncture in one of the Ogden's fuel tanks, spilling several thousand gallons of diesel fuel into the North Arabian Sea. Rear Admiral John Stufflebeem told reporters "I don't know what went wrong, and although this was just a fender-bender, you can count on the Pentagon to make every effort to find a non-commissioned scapegoat."

I thought I was s'posed to be against unions...

THE STATE OF THE UNION
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 1/29/02 President MORON is set to address a Joint Session of Congress today to describe the State of the Union. Although he is rumored to be working with the twenty-fifth draft of the speech, the twenty-fourth draft was leaked to PresidentMoron.com. Here it is.

Mr. President Pro-Tempore, Mr. Speaker, Senators, Congresspeople, Colluders in the Supreme Court, distinguished Guests, my bar-hoppin' offspring, and My Fellow Americans, the State of the Union is strong. In these short twelve months, we have managed to completely dismantle the form of government our forefathers took two hundred twenty-six years to build.

After eight years of unbridled prosperity, we managed to drive the economy into recession in just two short months. After years of fiscal responsibility, we have raided the treasury, handed out huge payoffs to our contributors, and squeezed the middle class even further. We are back to deficit spendin' and we will never be held responsible.

We have gone from the lowest unemployment rate in a generation, to the highest.

Tonight, I'm gonna address Three Great Goals for America. They are winnin' the 'War on Terra,' protectin' the Fatherland, and conquerin' the current reccession.

But first, I would like to highlight just a few of the tremendous accomplishments of our administration. On the domestic front, we appointed the governor of the most polluted state as the Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, and she has done her utmost to protect our corporate contributors from the environment.

We have made the Vice President, who is conspicuously absent here tonight, completely invisible. After his marvelous work on the task force which developed our energy policy under the Petrochemical Ownership of Presidency (POOP), he was spirited away under the guise of security. Of course, this doesn't make sense, and the real reason is his complete complicity in the Enron debacle. We must applaud him for this amazin' effort. He found a way to reward and protect the executives of a failin' company even as it collapsed takin' out the jobs and life savin's of thousands of workers.

As I mentioned earlier, we slipped into recession in March. Even though I have maintained that a tax cut would stimulate the economy, and even though we were able to ram that tax cut through Congress in March, and even though that tax cut was actually in place, and no economic stimulus came from it, I order all Americans to ignore these facts and accept the premise that payin' off the wealthy of this nation may not be the same as economic growth, but it is really all we wanted anyway.

In the interest of gettin' certain religious contributors a handout, we developed the White House Office of Religious Expansionism (WHORE). Even though the director quit in August, that is no reason to think this is simply a way to pay off the religious right with taxpayer money. This is also an important step in the dismantlin' of the First Amendment of that Constitution.

I hoodwinked Californians into spendin' an extra thirty billion dollars on energy shiftin' huge profits to my friends in Texas. After all, California is only part of the Union by default. The phony gas price hike also kept them sufferin'. That will teach them what happens when you vote 'Blue.'

Make no mistake about it, I lied about limitin' Carbon Dioxide emissions, and I lied about Stem Cells. Tough.

We had a setback when Jim Jeffords committed the greatest act of treason in history up until that time. For some reason, he could not abide by our bludgeonin' of our own members.

We had a good ol' time with that Missile Defense thing, the Destruction of Incomin' Airborne Projectiles of Hostile Rogues Anti-Guided Missile System (DIAPHRAGM System) back when it took imaginary enemies to justify drainin' the treasury to pay off defense contractors.

And speakin' of defense, we had a few laughs there as well. Everyone remembers the first Greeneville episode, where that stupid Japanese fishin' boat tried to attack us. And, who can forget the Spy Plane or the friendly fire incident in Kuwait?

In the international arena, we did some great things as well. We gave millions of dollars to the Taliban in May, we went on the HUBRIS and HUBRIS II tours of Europe, and went to Canada for the Western Summit.

Then of course everything changed on nine one one. Suddenly, things like pink backpacks were not the only domestic threats we faced. Since then, we have been able to get anything we want! If a Congressperson disagrees with us, ASSCROFT calls him a terrorist. If a foreign nation disagrees with our policy, RUMMY can invade them. If a union worker wants to strike, we can stop him. If an American loses his job, we can blame the terrorists, and the American people are buyin' it hook, line and sinker! My approval ratin' is even higher than my Dad's and I haven't even done what I said I would do. I haven't found Usama bin Laden, I haven't found Mullah Mohamed Omar, I haven't had to answer for the recession, the deficit, the Enron scandal, the environment, the erosion of Civil Rights, or anything else! I jes' say well, it's a 'War on Terra' and if you disagree with me, I can accuse you of givin' aid an' comfort to my enemies.

So, in this spirit of new-found unilateral power, I am proposin' these new programs to forward the three goals I stated before. As for the 'War on Terra,' we will now be in a permanent state of war, and I am hereby swearin' myself in as President for Life. As for the protection of the Fatherland, or Homeland as some call it, I am orderin' my Director of Fatherland Security, Tom Ridge to begin a program of youth indoctrination into the MORONic way of life. In order to be able to distinguish these youths from any other form of life, they will all be issued new uniforms featurin' brown shirts, jodhpur pants and black boots. They will display their loyalty by salutin' with a stiff arm as a symbol of strength. And finally in order to protect my contributors from the ravages of recession, I am announcin' a new program, the Republican's Endlessy Increasin' Control of the Homeland, or "REICH" as it will now be known. This program will authorize our Attorney General John ASSCROFT to punish anyone who disagrees with this new government. It will also authorize the wanton distribution of all monies comin' into the Federal Government to my contributors without regard for fiscal responsibility or fairness. It will provide for the cancellation of any domestic program which we deem unhelpful to our cause. This style of government should last at least until the next millennium!

By the way, I am also considerin' growin' a little square moustache like Charly Chaplin, and I might start wearin' my hair combed forward over my forehead.

We will win the 'War on Terra,' my contributors will be protected from recession, and the Homeland will be secure! God help America, and Long live the thousand year REICH!

What do you mean? This is my smile

SIXTY-ONE AND NEVER BEEN SUED . . . YET
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC -1/30/02 Emerging from his cave, The DICK reported to the White House for an impromptu birthday party. He then quickly ducked back into his "undisclosed location," so as to thwart GAO efforts to serve him with something other than cake.

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