PresidentMoron.com

News Archive June 2002

I can breathe this air jes' fine

HEADS EXPECTED TO ROLL AT EPA
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 6/4/02 A recent report to the United Nations written by President MORON's dubious Environmental Protection Agency dumped a load on the Petrochemical Ownership Of Presidency (POOP) by admitting for the first time what the rest of the world has known for years, ie., that global warming is occurring, that the burning of fossil fuels is the largest culprit, and that the earth faces drastic climatic changes in the upcoming century if nothing is done about it. The EPA, however, basically threw in the towel, offering no new solutions to the problem while President MORON quickly denounced the report from his own administration, and even claimed to have read the 263 page report. "It's just a bunch of hot air spewed out by the Warshington bureaucracy," stated President MORON, who then criticized Japan for signing the Kyoto treaty yesterday, "That treaty would seriously damage my fri'nds in the fossil fuel burnin' industry, and I cannot accept that. Nothin' has changed my opinion that the "Clear Skies" pollution trading card plan is the only way to save the earth, by maintainin' the petrochemical control of the U.S. economy and keepin' me in office."

I'm jes' coverin' my BUTT

AN ABOUT FACE TO SAVE FACE
By Jay O'Three and HSRE Brain

WASHINGTON, DC - 6/6/02 On this fifty-eighth anniversary of D-Day, while whistles were blowing in the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing regarding FBI incompetence, director Robert Mueller was forced to admit that under the current system, it could take up to three years just to get his email. In order to deflect attention from this, President MORON announced a proposal to create a cabinet level agency to provide security for the Fatherland. This agency would be known as the Bureau for Underestimating Terrorist Threats, or President MORON's BUTT. After eight months of denial and rejection of the notion that there should be a new branch of government, President MORON proposed a new agency which would employ one hundred seventy thousand people, thus making it larger than any other agency except for the Department of Defense. However, in order to avoid admitting any mistakes or acknowledging his own intelligence failure, this new agency would not actually improve the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the NSC or any other so-called intelligence agency in any way, but would allow President MORON to control unpatriotic employees like Coleen Rowley.

From now on, we'll do all the finger pointin'

It would in fact, combine nine existing federal departments which contain over one hundred agencies. Their proposed initial thirty seven billion dollar budget, slightly more than twice the airline industry bailout, would purportedly be funded by "savings" from the reduction of redundant redundancies in the current agencies. In a televised address to the nation tonight, President MORON said, "We are leadin' the civ'lized world in a titanic struggle against Terra. Freedom and fear are at war, and freedom is winnin', so we must repress freedom and make you fearful to make sure the war never ends. Did I mention that this is gonna take a long time and require more tax cuts? From now on instead of havin' a buncha agencies that a Democratic Senate can question, there will be only one agency that answers directly to me, where we will point the fingers, and control all leaks. Now, all the dots that need connectin' will be on one page, jes' like on the placemats I get when I go out to dinner."

2,401 and counting... Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!

DIRTY BOMB, DIRTY POOL
By Jay O'Three

CHARLESTON, SC - 6/11/02 In a disturbing new development, Abdulla al Muhajir, a United States citizen, who was arrested on May 8, while returning to Chicago from Pakistan for possession of plans to make a "dirty bomb," was transferred to a Naval prison here. Also known as Jose Padilla, the prisoner was declared an "enemy combatant" and was handed over to the military because Attorney General John ASSCROFT, who is currently in Moscow brushing up on old KGB tactics, could not figure out what crime he had committed, and time was running out.

Hmmm, I'll be the judge and jury of that

According to Secretary of Defense, Donald "DUCK" Rumsfeld, they have no intention of trying the prisoner for any crime, they are just going to leave him behind bars, periodically interrogating him, torturing him and otherwise negating his rights. Although the prospect of terrorism is a serious concern, this has now become the first case wherein the MORONARCHY has actually denied a United States citizen his rights because of what he might do. Once the Bureau for Underestimating Terrorist Threats (BUTT) becomes established, the term "enemy combatant" will be applied to an ever widening range of individuals engaged in what up until now have been regarded as lawful activities. Because questioning the validity of any MORONARCHY action will soon be regarded as an act of terrorism, McMORON's Navy has requested funding to expand the Consolidated Naval Brig in which Padilla is being held to accomodate some fifty million people, roughly the number of people who voted against President MORON in the last election. We'll see you all there!

Protecting and serving the energy industry since 2001

THE POOP JUST KEEPS ON RUNNING
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 6/13/02 President MORON's Environmental Pollution Agency today announced that it was "revising" the Clean Air Act to allow power utilities including aging coal burners to keep on polluting while increasing profits. Among the changes proposed by EPA director Christie TOAD Whitman are that all repairs and renovations to power plants would be defined as "routine," which coincidentally would be exempt from tough pollution controls, and the utilities themselves would establish their baseline pollution rates from which they would be measured. A spokesman from the Petrochemical Ownership Of Presidency (POOP) sponsored Edison Electric Institute commented favorably to the attack on clean air and stated, "At the end of the day, power plant operators need to be able to pollute the environment as much as they can without the perpetual threat of litigation or the expense of annoying pollution control equipment." President MORON himself boasted that his version of the Clean Air Act, "would result in 70% less pollution if the Democrats would jest stop blowin' hot air and let me fight evil terra'ists."

Top Homeland Security advisors tell President MORON "Only YOU can prevent forest fire evildoers."

CAUTION, YOU MAY EXPERIENCE A BURNING SENSATION
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 6/19/02 President MORON today declared the State of Colorado a disaster zone and called on Congress to bend over and kiss his Bureau for Underestimating Terrorist Threats (BUTT) Cabinet position, hinting that terra'ists could be "behind" some of the wildfires now blazing in the western states he needs to win back in the Senate. Coincidentally, today's daily FBI terror fearmercial reported that Al Queda terrorists may be on their way to Los Angeles, with a brief souvenir stop on Catalina Island, aboard a merchant ship. A spokesman for the FBI admitted that they had no evidence of this latest threat and that they were not actually issuing a terror warning but "we thought you would like to know anyway." An anonymous Homeland Security source stated that the terrorists "might be in possession of matches, possibly even BIC lighters and other weapons of mass combustion, and one of the terrorists may have recently received a disturbing letter from his estranged wife." President MORON, returning from a record breaking $28 Million Banana Repubican Congressional fundraiser, was unavailable for comment on the latest FBI threat as he was busy hiding from a small single engine Cessna 182 which somehow evaded F-16 fighter jets and was able to buzz the White House with ease. Homeland security at the White House is apparently a very high priority.

President MORON a-struttin' and a-smirkin'

Ain't no bugs on me...

SUPREMES LET PRESIDENT MORON OFF THE HOOK
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 6/20/02 The Supreme Court ruled that condemning the mentally retarded to death constitutes cruel and unusual punishment under the 8th Amendment in a 6-3 decision announced today. Surprisingly, it was the Gang of Three, Scalia, Rehnquist and Thomas who opposed the ruling, as "Anthony" crafted a scathing dissent which branded the majority decision as "the 47 percent consensus" because only 18 out of the 38 death penalty states prohibit executing criminals with IQs below 70. Apparently the "47% consensus" only applies to Banana Republican presidential candidates. The ruling came as unwelcome news to U.S. hangman John ASScroft who enjoys executing the meek minded, but every dark cloud has a silver lining and President MORON now can breath a little easier because he no longer has to worry about being put to death for his crimes against the state.

Latest Al Qaeda threat prompts proposal by President MORON for new Earthland Security cabinet position

WEAPONS OF MASS EXTINCTION AND JACK LaLANE
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 6/20/02 The FBI today advised law enforcement agencies to be on the lookout for terrorists who possibly are plotting to use asteroids and other interplanetary objects in attacks against the United States and its allies. The latest warning comes close on the heels of an announcement from NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, earlier today that admitted an asteroid the size of a football field passed extremely close to Earth last week but had remained undetected until several days later. A Homeland Security official, who asked to remain anonymous, said the warning was sent out to local police agencies Friday following interviews with captured Al Qaida and Taliban "detainees" who indicated that such a plot was possible by Osama Bin Laden with the help of almighty Allah.

President MORON in senior exercise class

President MORON 'splains the finer points of the lifecycle to seniors in his latest fitness infomercial

President MORON, on yet another payback foray to Florid'uh to campaign for brother Tallahassee Jeb and promote his new "Firmer Abs, Tighter Buns" White House workout video, confirmed that he had approved the latest warning before it was sent out, and told a hand-picked Orlando audience "First the wildfires in the west and now this ast'roid thang. I don't think it's a coincidence that this is happenin' now that we're at war against evil, and that's why its important that Floridicans help re-lect Jeb as your gov'ner who can help me stop the evildoers...and I'm also here to tell y'all that ever since Mr. Cheney suggested I take a hike a while back durin' a security counsel meetin', I'm a lot more pleasant fella' to be around after I exercise."

President MORON speaking in the Rose Garden

When I said "Free and Fair Elections," I meant like the one we had here in the Supreme Court!

IT WORKED SO WELL EVERYWHERE ELSE
By Jay O'Three

WASHINGTON, DC - 6/24/02 Relying on the great success HUBRIS has brought him throughout the world, President MORON delivered a speech outlining his new blurred vision regarding Palestine and Israel in the Rose Garden here today. Just as he did in Venezuela, President MORON assumed that since he was in power after losing an election, that someone other than the duly elected leader should be in power in Palestine as well. Having absolutely no idea of what he should do in the region, and responding only to polls which say he has to do something, he has come up with an ill conceived, short sighted laundry list of demands without any thought as to how they might be implemented. He said, "Look, this Middle East thing is gittin' in the way of my unilateral oil crusade in Iraq. If only either side had any oil, we would know who to bomb. So, now I'm throwin' up my hands. I'm callin' on all other nations in the region to step in so I can git back to my war plans!"

Jes' let me at those evil doin' tree huggers!

PRESIDENT MORON EXPOSES POLITICAL AGENDA OF FOREST FIRES
By Jay O'Three

SHOW LOW, AZ - 6/25/02 En route to the G8 summit in Canada, President MORON took time out from his very busy schedule to attack another one of his many enemies. Taking a break from dictating world affairs, waging the never ending 'War on Terra,' running the economy into the ground and pretending to capture evil doers, he made this special stop just to blame environmentalists for the fires spreading throughout the western states. Although the real cause is the timber industry friendly Forest Service's mismanagement of the land, that fact did not get in the way of a good photo opportunity here in the path of the immense fire bearing down on this small town. Conjuring up memories of his father's heroic life and death struggle with the spotted owl, President MORON took a brave stand against nature. He declared trees enemy combatants and then stated, "The only good tree is a dead tree. If I had jes' been able to turn all of these trees into lumber, none of this ever would'a happened!"

President MORON on the way to the G8 tryin' on a Cowboy Hat

If WorldCom wanted to get away with it, they should'a cut me in

WORLDCOM BEFORE WORLD SUMMIT
By Jay O'Three

KANANASKIS, CANADA - 6/26/02 At the G8 summit here, while attending a preliminary meeting with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, President MORON volunteered a statement on the collapse of WorldCom. Misquoting the three point eight billion dollar accounting misrepresentation by WorldCom as three point four billion dollars, President MORON promised a full investigation rather than another cover-up like Enron, Global Crossing or Halliburton. Apparently, WorldCom's CEO, John Sidgmore was not known to President MORON as "Johnny Boy" or "The J-Man" and WorldCom donated as much money to Democrats as Republicans, thus waiving their "one free felony" privilege. Further, President MORON already destroyed their accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, as a smoke screen for his close contributors at Enron who bought the full protection package. According to the directives in The Carl Rove Slide Show the MORONARCHY has to appear to be concerned with the collapse of so many corporations in Republican deregulated industries, to appear to be surprised at the corruption, and further, contrary to their very nature, actually to appear to condemn such corruption. President MORON explained, "Well, the airlines, they paid real good, and of course, Kenny Boy was one of the best, but in this WorldCom thing, I don't really have a dog in the fight. Since it isn't an oil company, I'm gonna throw 'em to the wolves. I'm actually thinkin' of declarin' 'em enemy combatants so RUMMY can handle 'em instead of ASSCROFT."

President MORON with his head up his ass

White House physicians face an impossible task

PRESIDENT MORON TO UNDERGO BRAIN SURGERY
By HSRE Brain

WARSHINGTON, DC - 6/28/02 Confirming an insipid sense of self-importance and that he is indeed maniacal, the boy who would be king of the world announced today that he will be invoking an unprecedented "transfer" of presidential power to The Dick while braving a routine colonoscopy sometime tomorrow afternoon. "I'm the first president to have done so under this type of procedure of fiz'cal 'xamination" giddily proclaimed President MORON. The exact time of the exam will remain secret because "Amerker will be even more vulnerable than usual to evildoers while I'm inexposed." Spokesman Ari Fleisher denied the power transfer was completely superfluous and that the pre-emptive announcement was just basic MORONACHY protocol designed to deflect attention from the ever-growing corporate crime wave under their watch and the utter failure of the war on terra. President MORON insisted the procedure was an ordinary check for polyps and that he was not looking for bin Laden, and added "The power transfer is necessary because if the enemy attacks during the test, I can't order an immediate attack on Iraq and have a tube up my ass at the same time."

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