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Latest News From High Function

PUNTSMAN

MYRTLE BEACH – In a surprise move Presidential Overly-Hopeful, John PUNTSMAN, punted on his campaign here today. The surprise stemmed from that fact that nobody knew he was running in the first place. At the very least, his action allowed us to mock his name in this manner, rather than resorting to some other less [...]

WRONGNEY (Yawn) Takes New Hampshire For Granite

MANCHESTER, NH – Predictably, the ever flip-flopping empty suit, Mitt “Corporations Are People” WRONGNEY, won the Banana Republican primary here tonight. His speech, long on false assertions about President Obama, and short on original ideas, was exactly what anyone would have expected. It inspired none and promised nothing credible. After a week of WRONGNEY bashing [...]

Loser

DES MOINES – Another clown is voted off the island. In a delusional, anger-filled, anti-Obama rant here today, batshit-crazy motormouth, Michele “Government Injections” BOTCHMANN, finally acknowledged that coming in dead last in her own home state was not going to propel her to Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue. This must have devastated the four or five [...]

SANTORUM Surges From Behind In Iowa

DES MOINES – While the icky headline seems as though it would be more a matter of personal hygiene than a political story, it is, in fact, what happened at the caucuses here tonight. Rick “Frothy” SANTORUM ended up in a dead heat with flip-flopping empty-suit, Mitt WRONGNEY — WRONGNEY ultimately won by eight votes. [...]

Castrated by TeaBaggers

WASHINGTON – And in the end, the Do-Nothing Congress could not escape its destiny. The Banana Republicans sent the payroll tax holiday extension bill to conference committee — thus killing it — and, it is going to cost, on average, every wage earning American forty dollars a paycheck. Over the Summer, these Banana Republicans were [...]

INEVITABLE!

PYONGYANG – Well, as the movie, “Team America,” would have it, it was INEVITABLE! One more tyrant gone. Since President Barack Obama took office: three tyrants retired or deceased (President MORON, Moammar GODAWFUL, and Kim Jong “Inevitable” Il), and one terrorist (Osama bin Laden).

Joke’s Over

ATLANTA – Comedic presidential candidate, Herman “All Women Are Liars” CAIN’T appeared outside his new campaign headquarters here yesterday. The man who famously advised the ninety-nine percenters, who were laid off by the very Wall Street firms they were protesting, that they should blame themselves for their lack of employment, had a very different take [...]

UC Davis’s Chancellor, Linda Katehi, Must Go

DAVIS – University of California, Davis Chancellor, Linda Katehi, appeared here yesterday and finally apologized for permitting her campus police to shoot pepper-spray directly into the faces of non-violent students. Too late. She initially defended their actions, and regardless, it happened on her watch. Sign this petition to demand her resignation. This is California. Our [...]

Ew, Penn State, Ew

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA – Starting with the riot in support of a coach who covered up wrongdoing for decades, and extending, so far, all the way to children bullying the first victim to come forward out of his school, the people of Pennsylvania State University have clearly come down on the side of child abuse. [...]

How Much Banana Republican Hypocrisy Is Enough?

PHOENIX – Three hundred sixty-five days until the election. And, Banana Republicans are still beside themselves. While they simply can’t stand the endlessly flip-flopping empty suit, Mitt WRONGNEY, their latest alternative, Herman “Back of the Bus is Fine” CAIN’T, has made so many missteps that it has become laughable to continue apologizing for him. As [...]