William "HMS Pinnafore" Rehnquist
WASHINGTON, DC - 80 years old, thyroid cancer.
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I jes' hope it's not too late. Hang on, light sweet crude!
BILOXI, MS - President MORON came here today to congratulate his "base" for the tremendous job they are doing ignoring the victims of Hurricane Katrina (except of course, for the hundred or so troops with shoot-to-kill orders who have been advised that anyone left alive in New Orleans is a terra'ist -- after all, they CHOSE to stay in town). While he did not actually have a fiddle in hand, his resemblance to Nero could not have been more striking. The Hurricane came through on Monday so he went to a fundraiser in San Diego on Tuesday. The levees broke on Tuesday so he buzzed the Gulf Coast on his way back to Washington on Wednesday. People have been drowning; suffering and dying of thirst, hunger and injuries; are still trapped on rooftops; and are now being exposed to water borne diseases; so he promised that he would spare no expense to rescue the poor oil trapped in tank farms. At the same time, he told Americans that it will be up to them to help the human victims -- give your cash to Pat Robertson's Operation Fleecing -- because all of the government's money will go toward petroleum relief. While he has started visiting the scene today, and has even hugged people who did not pay a thousand dollars a plate (ew!), it is entirely too little, too late. The storm entered the Gulf of Mexico last Friday, and even though the strength and direction of the storm were very accurately predicted, NOTHING was done to prepare for the disaster. As he spoke to reporters today, his focus was clear. He stammered when referring to "folks" sputtering, "I met a fella, this," "I talked to a lady, that," "I saw some rubble, the other thing," but the moment he began talking about his precious oil, he was lucid, coherent and right on message. He articulated the exact percentage of operating capacity for each pipeline emanating from the Gulf Coast, he cited the specific regulation the EPA relaxed to allow foreign oil in, and he even quoted the spot price at which oil was trading at that very moment. His heroic actions have sent his critics scrambling because, contrary to their assertions, it is now clear that President MORON really does care. About oil.
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Help the refugees help the 700 Club help themselves
BATON ROUGE, LA - Following President MORON’s belated call for Amerkins to pony up ‘cause the gov’ments too broke from fightin’ the neverendingwaronterra, FEMA has posted a short list of suggested charitable organizations to which one may donate to help the relief effort. A whopping total of three, count ‘em three, organizations are listed for donating cash. Topping the list is of course the American Red Cross, and next is the ConAgra supported Second Harvest. Guess who is the third and last organization listed…come on, put your moron non-thinkin’ hats on …if you guessed Halliburton, nice try, you do get consolation points for that one, but they will get their money directly from the treasury. Here’s a hint…he recently called for the assassination of the popular and democratically elected president of Venezuela. That’s right, FEMA wants you to send your hard earned money to the Virginia Beach based Operation Blessing, whose CEO is none other than Marion Gordon Robertson, aka the Rev. Pat. His wife DeDe is vice president and Gordo Jr. is also a board member. A spokesperson for the PsychoPat had no comment when asked about reports that Katrina was God's punishment to red states. Salvation Army, hello? Is there no shame? I think not.
Editor's Note: Yes, HSRE Brain is back! He was NOT blown up by an IED in Iraq, he was apparently only wounded, and has now recovered just in time to help clean up Katrina's mess.
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How do you start a flood?
WASHINGTON, DC - Ah, home again. Cutting short his FIVE WEEK VACATION, President MORON stopped by the White House today to stir up a little trouble in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. After barnstorming the flood damaged Gulf Coast in Air Farce One on the way here, he stepped out into the Rose Garden and deftly blamed the hurricane on Nine-One-One. While promising to tap the strategic oil reserves, and paying lip service to FEMA's relief efforts, he conveniently remained silent on the two aspects of this disaster over which he had direct control. Since 2003, The MORONARCHY has been steadily gutting the funding for the Southeast Louisiana Urban Flood Control Project, SELA, and using the money to wage an illegal, immoral war of choice in Iraq (the money was intended to shore up the levees on Lake Pontchartrain -- yes THOSE levees). After the levees broke, New Orleans flooded, and all hell broke loose. Usually, when this happens, as was the case when his father dealt with Hurricane Andrew, National Guard troops are deployed in affected areas to keep the peace. But, President MORON sent the National Guard troops to Iraq for that very same war. So, as Americans stomach the images of destruction, cringe at the plight of the victims and start paying more than three dollars for a gallon of gas, we can once again thank our lucky stars that the clear thinking and unwavering leadership of President MORON have carried the day. At least the Prairie Chapel Ranch in CRAWFISH is clear of brush...
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Talk is cheap
CRAWFISH, TX - Phew, it's hot here today! How does a stupid little yellow ribbon on a car support the troops? Does even one cent of the money from these hypocritical symbols (note that they ARE yellow) go to the troops? Did any of the hate-filled half-witted bloodthirsty purchasers of them return their TaxCutsForTheRich checks to the Treasury? Has ONE of them quit his or her job and joined up? C'mon, Red Staters, blood is your color!
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Thou shalt not what? I've never heard of these "commandments"
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA - On his daily broadcast, "The 700 Club," here on Monday, former Banana Republican presidential candidate and leading right wing sociopath Pat Robertson advocated the MURDER of duly elected Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez (not any more of a "dictator" than President MORON himself). That's right, the Evangelical movement has now perverted its Bible to such an extent that the sixth commandment, "Thou shalt not Kill," has some economically based exceptions. He said, "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... and I don't think any oil shipments will stop." Since then, he attempted to deny he said it, then he tried to blame the Associated Press for his remarks, then ultimately, after he could not escape it, he half-heartedly apologized. No sale. This stink won't wipe off. An evangelical Christian leader with a DIRECT connection to the MORONARCHY has now advocated murder. So, now that killing heads of state is a Christian act, why would anyone bother to travel all the way to Venezuela?
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Stayin' the course!
CRAWFISH, TX - Before heading out on his play date with Lance Armstrong, President MORON took time out from his FIVE WEEK VACATION to launch a new propaganda initiative today. He explained that the one thousand eight hundred sixty-three soldiers and twenty to thrity thousand Iraqi civilians killed so far were not enough to slake his thirst for blood. While oil is trading at its highest price ever, and gasoline is nearing three dollars a gallon (both obviously benefitting his constituent oil industry cronies, the POOP), he claims that his war for oil is somehow keeping Americans safe from terra'. Then again, to President MORON the true face of terra' is the grieving mother of a soldier whose life he wasted on his war of conquest: he is so afraid of her, he now comes and goes by helicopter so that he doesn't have to face her. He alleges that the only way to honor those already killed is to keep on killing because he has absolutely no idea how to win, and is too simple-mindedly stubborn to admit he has made a mistake. "Live Strong," President MORON, live strong!
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Cindy Sheehan, hero
Click here to find out where there will be a candlelight vigil for Cindy Sheehan in your town this evening at 7:30 PM. There are over 1,500 gatherings already planned! Get involved.
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