When I scratch real hard, I can check for dandruff and get new ideas like drillin’ for more oil!
WARSHINGTON, DC - Although most people have become used to experiencing the annual increase in the cost of living and its associated nausea and watery bowel movements, the episode is more an inconvenience than an illness for those beneficiaries of President MORON’s taxcutsfortherich. Symptoms commonly disappear in a short time and the only important effect is that equity and liquids are temporarily lost from the Dubai timeshare. However, for most Amerkins it may last for weeks or months (or in this case years) accompanied by fever, abdominal cramps, high blood pressure, unemployment, divorce, foreclosure, and denial of basic health care - a clear indication of a more serious form of sickness. This change from the usual pattern of stools and real wage income loss is now recognized as economic diarrhea, although many less "formal" names are sometimes used. Experts argue over the underlying causes of the affliction, but recent developments appear to shed some light on its sources.
With energy company profits at an all time high, one may have discounted the sphincterhold of the POOP (Petrochemical Ownership Of President) on the MORONARCHY. Not to worry. The POOP backed-up Iraqi government is now in the final stages of negotiations for private, no-bid oil production contracts with … surprise!… Shell, BP, Exxon Mobil and Total. When questioned about the many pre- and post-occupation assurances that Iraq oil production was going to pay for the trillion dollars (and counting) of U.S. taxpayer debt for the neverendingwaronterra, the MORONARCHY did not disappoint. "Iraq is a sovereign country, and it can make decisions based on how it feels that it wants to move forward in its development of its oil resources," said White House spokeswoman Dana (IpromiseIwon’twriteabookabouttheadministrationslies) Perino.
In a completely unrelated story, President MORON blamed Democrats for high prices at the gas pump and demanded an end to the ban on offshore oil drilling, increased access to oil shale on public lands, ANWR exploitation and more backyard refineries. “I call on swift action by Congress to support my common sensical plan for Amerker’s energy hitch, the Vacuous Acquisition of Leasin’ and Drillin’ Energy Zones. If congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without takin’ action on my VALDEZ solution, they will need to ‘splain why ya gotta pay ninety dollars to fill up the Chevy 4x4.”
Coincidentally, almost 20 years and 50 billion dollars in legal fees later, the Supreme Court yesterday awarded Exxon’s systematic failure to comply with state and federal environmental disaster safeguards, and lying to Congress about it, by slashing the trial jury’s penal award for the 1989 Valdez oil spill by 90 per cent. The Court wrote that Exxon's recklessness was, in effect, ''profitless'' and therefore the punitive damages awarded to the victims of the spill were, uh, too punitive. Apparently anything that would impede less than a 1000 percent return on investment for energy stockholders is clearly unacceptable and will not be tolerated. So pass the Kaopectate and let the offshore/ANWR drilling begin!
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Ach! Nein means Nein!
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - With his approval ratings threatening to fall lower than his IQ, and the reality that it might be really tough to fix this Fall's midterm elections, the MORONARCHY apparently thought it would be a good idea for President MORON to get out a little before his annual 5 week TEXASS Summer vacation. Well, the first thing you know, there's a bunch of millionaires, neoconfolk said George you should probably be there, since the G8 Summit was the place you ought to be, so they loaded up the plane and flew to Germany. Thus, President MORON was set loose on his own reckon'aissance and hit the road for the Summer 2006 Hubris & Comedy World Tour to meet with those other richfolk countries. President MORON first arrived in Germany to meet with his newest, bestest friend, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, while, ironically, World War III (as the Banana Republicans would have you believe) threatened to break out in the Middle East. When asked "Does it concern you that the Beirut airport has been bombed... And do you see a risk of triggering a wider war?" President "What Me Worry" MORON did not disappoint and responded by relying on the only thing he could read that day, the dinner menu. "I thought you were going to ask me about the pig," The crowd went crazy as it was clear that the White House doctors had forgotten to increase his Prozac dosage for the trip.
And... it only got better. On to Moscow for the actual G8 summit where President MORON first got a raucous reaction as he 'lectured' Russian host Vladimir Putin on democracy, freedom of religion, and a free press. Then, in a brilliant demonstration of unitary presidential powers, President MORON appeared to get a taste of his own medicine when his conversation with toadie Tony Blair and Chinese President Hu Jintao was caught on a live microphone. President MORON, the self-proclaimed morality leader of the universe, was clearly preaching to the rest of the world about how not to behave when he "pretended" to unleash a profanity laced and ignorant view of the current Middle East conflict. Then, and this is great, he feigned shock and awe to President Hu about the fact that Chiner is a big country. He awesomely attempted to bring himself down to the lower intellectual level of the Chinese, "But heh heh, it's not their fault," and asked of Hu, "You eight hours? Me too. Rusher's a big country and yer a big country. Takes him eight hours to fly home ... Rusher's big and so is Chiner. Yo Blair, what'cha doin? Are ya' leavin?" (Tony Blair had finally noticed that the microphone was still on). It simply leaves one breathless, and proud to be an Amerkin.
Ah, but the free world demanded an encore and President MORON did not disappoint. As the G 8/10 (China, India?) economic leaders were sitting down to discuss the most pressing problems of the day, President MORON walked straight up to the already seated Angela Merkel and proceeded to give her a Texas "Noose" Rub. White House Fox News spokesman Tony Snow dismissed the potentially embarrassing incident as nothing more than a misunderstanding. "The President has apologized to Chancellor Merkel for any appearance of impropriety. He saw the banner hanging over the discussion table, written in Russian I might add, and simply thought it was either freshman rush week at Moscow University or that he was at a clemency hearing. Anyone can make that mistake"
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It's simply, my friends, another personal attack on your freedom by the liberal drive-by press. I was only there for the stogies
PALM BEACH, FL - The Banana Republican's favorite Big Fat Drug Addicted Idiot was "detained" for more that three hours Monday at Palm Beach International Airport after a customs officer checked his bags and found that he was indeed big, fat, an idiot, and had a vial full of big blue pills. According to Flori'duh authorities, Mr. Big was nabbed with 29 caps of the erectile disfunction aid Viagra upon returning on a private flight from a long weekend in the Dominican Republic, which is popularly known for its (a) baseball, (b) beaches, and (c,d,e) brothels. Apparently, there was a slight problem because the love drugs were not prescribed to Mr. Fat, but rather were prescribed to two different doctors, who, according to his attorney, had listed the drugs under their names to protect Mr. Drug's privacy. This clearly was uncomfortable for Mr. Addicted as he is currently on probation following his recent April plea agreement for PHYSICIAN SHOPPING for 2,000 hits of Oxycontin, or, as we say in Texas, hillbilly heroin. An unfazed Mr. Boil-On-His-Ass-To-Avoid-Vietnam joked about the latest drug bust on his Tuesday radio infomercial, saying customs officials didn't believe him when he said he got the pills from Bill Clinton, and/or that he thought the "Bob Doles" were blue M&Ms. He further quipped "I had a great time in the Dominican Republic. Wish I could tell you about it." Well, it's a good bet that he wasn't there to (a) buy baseballs, or (b) walk Boca Chica in a thong (hopefully), which of course leaves c,d,and e. I guess the good news in all of this is that eventually we may be able to watch Daryn Kagen again without getting nauseous.
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Conservatism isn't about feeling people's pain. It's about causing it
WARSHINGTON, D.C. - It was a really good day today. Why you may ask. Well, was it that the MORONARCHY's arresting, raiding, torturing, shooting, bombing, etc. of Iraqi citizens finally paid off with the news that we got one of the bad guys? Maybe. Was it that the repeal of the estate tax on the heirs of the 0.27 % richest Amerkins failed to pass the Senate? Perhaps. Or could it have been the extraordinary sight of a disgraced Banana Republican majority leader giving his farewell speech to the House of Representatives? Bingo! No finer words have ever been spoken on the "Peoples's Floor" when Tom "The Hammer" DeLay interrupted House business to deliver his final invective "I don't bear any regret at all" and that he was leaving "under the happiest of the available options," or, as they say in Texas, indictment. Although the former Banana Republican House majority leader leaves behind a 21 year legacy of bitter partisanship, money laundering, illegal gerrymandering, and payola to family, it's possible he will be best remembered for his staunch claim of Christian morals as "The Human Rights Champion" of the Marianas. Or better yet, he'll just be forgotten.
Iraqis mourn the DeLay
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We'll git the oil, those al-Qaribou don't stand a chance!
WARSHINGTON, DC - Can’t get ANWR? No problem, apparently, for the US Department Of Oil Drilling In Excess “DOODIE” which yesterday approved oil and gas drilling on more than half a million acres of land in the Teshekpuk Lake area on Alaska's North Slope. The Teshekpuk region has a 26,000 caribou herd, provides habitat for up to 60,000 molting geese each summer as well as a myriad of other wildlife and waterfowl, and is the ancestral home of Inupiat Eskimos. The land is considered so sensitive to wildlife habitat that it was first protected by former Reagan Interior Secretary James “Kill-a-Tree-Hugger” Watt. Watt initially protected more than 200,000 acres of the goose-molting area and President Clinton expanded bans against drilling around and on the lake to more than half a million acres. Then came MORONARCHY, which in 2003 announced plans to open the remaining Teshekpuk Lake region to full-scale oil development, removing all protections afforded the area just two years earlier. To date, over 8.5 million acres surrounding Teshekpuk Lake have already been leased and partially developed for oil and gas production. According to the MORONARCHY’s Bureau of Land Mismanagement, the latest public land robbery comes in response to the DICK Cheney’s energy task force, i.e the Petrochemical Ownership of Presidency (POOP) cabal. Further, BLM officials estimate the entire northeast National Petroleum Reserve, including the lake area, may contain as much as 2 billion barrels of "economically recoverable" oil, or, in layman’s terms, LESS THAN 4 MONTHS OF CURRENT DOMESTIC CONSUMPTION. "Our mission is to provide for multiple abuses. Sure, we used to have to protect wildlife as part of our mission, but our mission now is to find that delicate balance between oil drilling and gas mining," said a BLM Alaska spokeswoman.
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Order now and we'll send your soldier a free set of collectible Rush dog tags!
Look no further, our good friend Rush Limb Augh! comes to your rescue by offering complimentary subscriptions to members of the armed services. Here’s the rub, er, take:
Support our men and women in uniform by giving a subscription to Rush 24/7 and the Limbaugh Letter to a member of the US Armed Forces. Adopt as many soldiers as you like at a discounted price and make sure that our military has full access to all three hours of every Rush Limbaugh Show. Say thank you by giving the gift of Rush to the men and women who protect our freedom.
When you give an "Adopt A Soldier" subscription, your gift will be matched with a member of the military for a full year. He or she will receive unfettered access to Rush 24/7 online as well as every big, colorful issue of The Limbaugh Letter. When giving, make sure to let us know in the appropriate checkbox if it is ok to pass along your email address to the service person receiving your gift subscription, so that they can have the chance to thank you themselves.
PLEASE NOTE THAT GIFTS MADE UNDER THIS PROGRAM ARE NOT TAX DEDUCTIBLE. ONLY $49.95
So let's get this straight: Rush is touting “complimentary” subscriptions to his fake news rag and online access to outdated Bill Clinton cartoons (soldiers in Fallujah must have WiFi), but idiotic ditto heads have to foot the bill while Fat-pill-head exploits the brave men and women in the military and collects $50 a pop - Happy Holidaze!
Editor's Note: And if you just can't get enough of rightwingnuts, give the gift of BOR
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Karl shows up at ethics class, seems Konfused
WARSHINGTON, DC - In the wake of Plamegate and his own plummeting approval ratings, President MORON today announced that he is going to require MORONARCHY officials to attend an “ethics course” on the rules for safeguarding national security secrets. The hour-long briefings, entitled ‘Ethics in Guv’mint, or How to Out a Covert Agent and Avoid the Special Prosecutor’ will be attended by approximately 3,000 Bananas, with of course, the exception of President MORON and The DICK. The courses will be held in an auditorium adjacent to the White House and led by Richard Painter of the White House counsel's office, the same office that has authored previous treatises such as “Torture, What’s That?” and “Beyond The Geneva Convention.” Unbelievably, a copy of the course syllabus was leaked to PresidentMORON.com by an unnamed top gov’mint official:
It’s as Easy as Recitin’ Yer ABC’s - Lesson 1**:
Apologize…NOT! Whatever you do, DO NOT Admit to anything. Instead, Act Angry, Appalled and/or Aghast and then promise to get to the bottom of this.
Blame the Democrats, the liB’ral media and Bin laden.
Clinton. It’s never too late to blame it on Bill.
Deny. I don’t even know him/her.
Equivocate. And when that fails, be Evasive, Elusive and Evoke partisan politics.
Fear. Hasn’t failed us yet, suggest an ‘Orange Alert.’
God. Don’t be afraid to play the Christian right card and invoke the name of Jesus. Then play God and cast out those who would beseech us.
Time Permitting, Lesson Two -
Jesus -What would he do?
Karl, he’s still the man, and
Lying, it’s what we do.
** Easily adaptable for campaign fund indictments and insider trading investigations.
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Like putting a gun to your head
WARSHINGTON, DC - The Petro-chemical Ownership of Presidency (POOP) continues to reap virtuous rewards while most Amerkins are drowning in rising fuel prices. Exxon Mobil Corp. announced today that it posted a quarterly profit of $9.9 billion, the largest in U.S. corporate history. The record earnings topped the $9 billion net profit reported last week by Royal Dutch Shell PLC. These grotesque profits are on top of the $8.1 billion in tax breaks as well as more than $80.8 billion in authorized or directed spending that the energy companies received, compliments of the Banana Republicans, in their recent energy bill to the taxpayers. Sadly, energy investors complained that Exxon’s profits could have been higher, but for the hurricanes and all. An Exxon spokesman later confirmed that the bulk of the profits will go to the continuing global search for a scientist who does not believe in climate change.
Exxon-Mobil - The Valdez Company!
In a seemingly unrelated story, House Bananas yesterday voted to cut student loan subsidies, child support enforcement and aid to firms hurt by unfair trade practices and are slated to attack Medicaid, food stamps and farm subsidies today in an effort to cut $50 billion from the feral budget. Oh, and the House Banana Resources Committee approved a plan to raise $2.4 billion in lease revenues by permitting oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Have a nice day!
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