Shut up, or I will "Swift-Boat" you so fast, your head will spin!
WASHINGTON, DC - As The MORONARCHY falters in the conduct of its immoral, illegal invasion and occupation of the foreign sovereign nation of Iraq, more and more Americans are coming out from under the ether. THE DICK doesn't like that! As US Representative John Murtha of Pennsylvania -- who served thirty-seven years in the Marines (rather than take five deferments to dodge the draft), earned two Purple Hearts and a Congressional Bronze Star and has been an absolute champion of veteran's affairs -- called for the redeployment of troops from Iraq, he was immediately trashed by the Banana Republicans. Representative "Mean Jean" Schmidt of Ohio -- who has never served in uniform, and has been a Congresswoman for a whopping two and a half months -- called him a COWARD on the Floor of the United States House of Representatives; spineless MORONARCHY Press Secretary Scott "Ongoing Investigation" McLellan issued a press release defaming him by comparing him to Michael Moore (we should all be so stingingly insulted!); and THE DICK said questioning the lies he told to start this war of choice for his own personal gain was (get this) "revisionism of the most corrupt and shameless variety." When THE DICK said this, he was not at a comedy roast, and he was not speaking into a mirror; he actually expected his audience to apply that description to someone other than himself! He then went on to promise that the smear campaign he would launch against anyone who questioned him would make his CIA torture games feel like a cake-walk. The MORONARCHY is collapsing. And as usual, there is only negative output; they cannot win the war, they cannot convince the American people that they have a plan, they have run out of people to blame (except for Bill Clinton, of course), and they have nothing truthful to say, so they have resorted to the one and only thing they do well: the politics of personal destruction. One by one, as each public figure dares to come to the reasonable conclusion that The MORONARCHY lied, he or she can expect to have his or her patriotism questioned; can expect to have the basest, most disgusting, falsehoods about him or her whispered by "unnamed sources" to media dupes; and can expect that the smokescreen created by those falsehoods will completely obscure his or her message. Character Assassination: it's what they do.
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From USSR's white gulags to USA's black sites
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Karl shows up at ethics class, seems Konfused
WARSHINGTON, DC - In the wake of Plamegate and his own plummeting approval ratings, President MORON today announced that he is going to require MORONARCHY officials to attend an “ethics course” on the rules for safeguarding national security secrets. The hour-long briefings, entitled ‘Ethics in Guv’mint, or How to Out a Covert Agent and Avoid the Special Prosecutor’ will be attended by approximately 3,000 Bananas, with of course, the exception of President MORON and The DICK. The courses will be held in an auditorium adjacent to the White House and led by Richard Painter of the White House counsel's office, the same office that has authored previous treatises such as “Torture, What’s That?” and “Beyond The Geneva Convention.” Unbelievably, a copy of the course syllabus was leaked to PresidentMORON.com by an unnamed top gov’mint official:
It’s as Easy as Recitin’ Yer ABC’s - Lesson 1**:
Apologize…NOT! Whatever you do, DO NOT Admit to anything. Instead, Act Angry, Appalled and/or Aghast and then promise to get to the bottom of this.
Blame the Democrats, the liB’ral media and Bin laden.
Clinton. It’s never too late to blame it on Bill.
Deny. I don’t even know him/her.
Equivocate. And when that fails, be Evasive, Elusive and Evoke partisan politics.
Fear. Hasn’t failed us yet, suggest an ‘Orange Alert.’
God. Don’t be afraid to play the Christian right card and invoke the name of Jesus. Then play God and cast out those who would beseech us.
Time Permitting, Lesson Two -
Jesus -What would he do?
Karl, he’s still the man, and
Lying, it’s what we do.
** Easily adaptable for campaign fund indictments and insider trading investigations.
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Durbin's seconding that emotion!
WASHINGTON, DC - Invoking Rule XXI, Senate Minority Leader, Harry Reid, moved the Senate to closed session today! Even though President MORON wishes Scooter would simply disappear in a flood of Scalitos and bird-flu droppings, someone in the Senate actually discovered the ability to stand upright supported by his own backbone. Demanding accountability for the illegal, immoral invasion of a foreign sovereign Iraq, Democratic senators figured -- only two years and two thousand twenty-eight dead soldiers too late -- that Scooter couldn't have conspired alone. The astonished, childish, pathetic reaction of Bill "Remote Diagnosis" Frist only reinforces the power of the gesture. Until this moment, the Banana Republican Senate, which AUTHORIZED President MORON's illegal war -- albeit on false premises -- was content to let any investigation of The MORONARCHY's lies languish. They have spent a lot of time backpedaling, misrepresenting and covering up, and forgot that after years of abusing their power, Democrats might find a way to fight back. The real smoking gun was no fanciful mushroom cloud, but rather a well orchestrated campaign of lies and character assassinations which, so far, has Scooter's prints on it.
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Sandra's Day is done!
WASHINGTON, DC - Hoping to deflect attention from the many many problems The MORONARCHY faces, President MORON, enumerating each and every vertebra he had removed, caved in to the extreme right-wing Banana Republicans today by making a Supreme Court nomination so reactionary that even Clarence Thomas should rejoice. Born on April Fool's Day and nominated on Halloween, Third Circuit Court of Appeals Justice, Samuel "Scalito" Alito, has no sense of judicial restraint or legislative intent, and has actually written opinions advocating: racial discrimination, disability based discrimination, forcing women to get permission from their husbands to have abortions, and corporatism at the expense of workers' rights. Roe vs. Wade is doomed. The swing vote will now swing even further to the right than his nicknamesake, "Anthony" Scalia. By the way, he is not a woman and he is not of minority descent. He is, however -- as are all truly deserving Americans -- another white guy who went to Yale. As predicted here though, his fifteen years on the bench did not prompt President MORON to assert that he was the "most qualified person" like good ol' Harriet. Investment Tip: knitting needles and wire hangers!
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These are from a Scooter accident...
WASHINGTON, DC - Patrick Fitzgerald (or is it Gerald Fitzpatrick?), special prosecutor in the Out-Valerie-Plame-to-smear-Joe-Wilson case announced an indictment of Irving Lewis "Scooter" Libby, THE DICK's chief of staff, on five charges: one count of obstruction of justice, two counts of perjury and two counts of making false statements. That would be lying, lying, lying, and twice making false statements (or lying!). Scooter had to quit! Surprisingly, unlike Tom "Insect Repellent" DeLay, he did not try to keep his job. Clearly, his lying was directly related to covering up for THE DICK, who actually, along with Rover, implemented the hate campaign against Wilson. This was about a war for which there was no justification. There are tens if not hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis and two thousand American troops dead because of this war. But, Joe Wilson won't have the nerve to try telling the truth again. The nation is truly better off with these men in power. Fitzgerald isn't done yet either. He will be using another grand jury to get indictments against Rover in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned!
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Like putting a gun to your head
WARSHINGTON, DC - The Petro-chemical Ownership of Presidency (POOP) continues to reap virtuous rewards while most Amerkins are drowning in rising fuel prices. Exxon Mobil Corp. announced today that it posted a quarterly profit of $9.9 billion, the largest in U.S. corporate history. The record earnings topped the $9 billion net profit reported last week by Royal Dutch Shell PLC. These grotesque profits are on top of the $8.1 billion in tax breaks as well as more than $80.8 billion in authorized or directed spending that the energy companies received, compliments of the Banana Republicans, in their recent energy bill to the taxpayers. Sadly, energy investors complained that Exxon’s profits could have been higher, but for the hurricanes and all. An Exxon spokesman later confirmed that the bulk of the profits will go to the continuing global search for a scientist who does not believe in climate change.
Exxon-Mobil - The Valdez Company!
In a seemingly unrelated story, House Bananas yesterday voted to cut student loan subsidies, child support enforcement and aid to firms hurt by unfair trade practices and are slated to attack Medicaid, food stamps and farm subsidies today in an effort to cut $50 billion from the feral budget. Oh, and the House Banana Resources Committee approved a plan to raise $2.4 billion in lease revenues by permitting oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Have a nice day!
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Do you think they'll let me keep the robe?
WASHINGTON, DC - Surprising absolutely nobody and humiliating The MORONARCHY to an extent they haven't seen since yesterday -- when the two thousandth soldier was killed -- the best qualified person in the entire country, Harriet Miers, withdrew her nomination for the Supreme Court today. The selection process President MORON used to select her was exactly the same one Bill Clinton used to select Monica Lewinski namely, look out the door of the Oval Office and pick the first person wearing thong underwear (of course, Harriet's were a bit more "conservative"). Now, unfortunately for the country, we will be forced to accept a nominee who, regardless of his or her background, will NOT be the most qualified person in the entire country. Miers, and umarried childless MORONARCHY "work wife," explained that she wants to spend more time with her imaginary family.
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KBH would make fine nomination to the SCOTUS when Harriet slinks away....
WARSHINGTON, DC - Echoing the latest Banana Republican strategy of desperation, the disHonorable Senator from Texas, Kay Bailey Hutchison, told Tim Russert of Meet the Press on Sunday that she didn’t think perjury was a crime that should lead to indictments of upstanding Banana Republicans like Rover and Scooter. Well, this non-crime happens to carry a prison term of up to five years, which inspires the question, "What sort of penalty would a real crime carry?"
“I certainly hope that if there is going to be an indictment that says something happened, that it is an indictment on a crime and not some perjury technicality where they couldn’t indict on the crime so they go to something just to show that their two years of investigation were not a waste of time and dollars.” - Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (BananaR-TX) Meet the Press 10/16/05
How soon they forgit. Here’s an excerpt from ol' KB at the impeachment hearing of President Clinton a few years ago:
“The edifice of American jurisprudence rests on the foundation of the due process of law. The mortar in that foundation is the oath. Those who seek to obstruct justice weaken that foundation, and those who violate the oath would tear the whole structure down.
Every day, thousands of citizens in thousands of courtrooms across America are sworn in as jurors, as grand jurors, as witnesses, as defendants. On those oaths rest the due process of law upon which all of our other rights are based.
The oath is how we defend ourselves against those who would subvert our system by breaking our laws. There are Americans in jail today because they violated that oath. Others have prevailed at the bar of justice because of that oath.
What would we be telling Americans -- and those worldwide who see in America what they can only hope for in their own countries -- if the Senate of the United States were to conclude: The President lied under oath as an element of a scheme to obstruct the due process of law, but we chose to look the other way?
I cannot make that choice. I cannot look away. I vote "Guilty" on Article I, Perjury. I vote "Guilty" on Article II, Obstruction of Justice.” - Sen. KBH statement on the articles of impeachment 2/12/99
Editor's Note: At least nobody got a blowjob. Remember, "it's not the lying, it's the sex!"
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A very high price for a war of choice
WASHINGTON, DC - As President MORON's illegal, immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq continues, the toll, in lives of American soldiers, has now reached two thousand. While President MORON continues to recycle cold war and nine-one-one rhetoric (the only form of recycling he endorses), the facts on the ground do not bode well for our brave soldiers. At every turn, President MORON has promised that the next milestone would make everything better. He promised that we would find weapons of mass deception immediately upon invasion, economic payback through the sale of captured oil, candy and flowers after we "liberated" Baghdad, an instantaneous nationwide conversion after dismissing the entire Iraqi army (along with their weapons), a mission accomplished after "major combat operations" had ceased, an easy road after the "transfer of sovereignty," a new and peaceful nation after the "election," and complete peace and security after the "adoption" of a constitution. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and... wrong! Yet, our armed forces slog on, attempting to obey conflicting if not downright impossible orders, and they are, very sadly, paying the ultimate price for President MORON's hubris. Two thousand is too many.
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