You're not filming this, are you?
CANCUN, MEXICO - After delivering three speeches full of falsehoods regarding The MORONARCHY's absolute failure to win the war in Iraq this week, President MORON (apparently thinking that those speeches were the equivalent of cramming for exams) decided it was time to hook up with the other North American right-wing heads of state down here for SPRIIIIING BREAAAAAK!!! In keeping with his illusory dry-drunk image, he promised The LAURON he would only do body-shots of unfermented agave syrup and drink only near-Coronas. However, once President MORON, Canada's Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Mexico's President Vicente Fox (The Three Caballeros) got out on their own, well, it is Cancun after all...
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Hey, after five and a half years, you can't hold one little twinge of integrity against me!
WARSHINGTON, DC - After a particularly severe week of blatant distortions about how great the illegal, immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq is going, President MORON was actually able to infuriate one of the inner circle of The MORONARCHY: Andrew "Put Down the 'Pet Goat,' We Are Under Attack" Card! Yes, one of the oiliest, most tenacious rats is now fleeing the sinking ship, only to be replaced by another insider, the equally plague-ridden former CIA man (under Daddy), former Assistant Chief of Staff and current Director of the Office of Management and Budget, Josh "What's a Deficit?" Bolten because there is no need for fresh blood, and a crony's a crony. President MORON said, "Well, Andy came in the other day holdin' his head and swearin' that if he had to cover for another one of my failures, his brain would explode!" For the record, Card is still a rat, the ship is most assuredly still sinking (except for that rock-solid thirty-four percent approval rating) and trading one yes-man for another will not help The MORONARCHY in any way. The shake-up has begun!
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Pick our lettuce, clean our hotels, cook our meals, mind our kids, build our houses, and then go home!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As another campaign season looms, and hundreds of thousands of people are protesting in the streets, Banana Republicans find themselves divided over two of their most chreished values: hatred and greed. While the traditional hate-based racists (led by Wisconsin Banana Republican James Sensenbrenner) want to criminalize the very color of undocumented workers' skin, the new-school greed-oriented corporatists -- in the hospitality, agriculture, and construction industries -- want to make a new slave-worker class that will enjoy no protections whatsoever, but still be available for sub-minimum-wage exploitation. Some Banana Republican Senators and Rubber-Stampresentatives are so confused, they can't figure out how to blame Democrats, "The Media" or the terra'ists. Fortunately, demagogic box-turtle-phobic Senator John Cornyn of Texas has proposed a compromise: permanent detention centers! Workers will staff underpaying jobs every day and then immediately proceed and report to their concentration camps where they will remain, out of sight and out of mind, until their next shifts begin. Even in the midst of such great turmoil, it is a relief to know that cynical Banana Republicans can be counted on to sink to a new level of hypocrisy!
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From here you can actually see the duck-tail growing in!
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON, more accustomed to cheerleading than chess, and dangerously undergunned for a game of wits, was checkmated by none other than Banana Republican Dennis "Spine?-What's-a-Spine?" Hastert and his House of Rubber-Stampresentatives. When President MORON promised to exercise his veto to further the fortunes of his family friends, Denny and Company actually decided to attach the Dubai deal killing amendment to the emergency spending bill for President MORON's beloved illegal immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq. Oops! There were not enough hours in the day for Karl Rove to launch all the character assassinations and whisper campaigns he would have needed to take down the entire House. The MORONARCHY was flummoxed -- again. But, as with the DUIs, the drug arrest, the Texas Air National Guard, Arbusto (the drilling company that couldn't find oil in Texas), and the Texas Rangers (where young MORON was unable to turn a profit), Daddy realized he had to pull some strings to help his bumbling dry-drunk son out of another jam. So, just like that, Dubai Ports World promised to divest itself of the American ports, selling them to an American "Entity" (is that how they're spelling Halliburton these days?) in order to let President MORON save face. But with that rock-solid thirty-four percent approval rating, it simply may have been too little, too late. After using the words nine-one-one to justify the plunder of the Treasury, the squandering of the surplus, the cash-and-carry government, the disenfranchisement of the middle class, the gutting of social programs, the illegal spying on US citizens, the lying, cheating, stealing, torturing and killing, even the brain-dead thirty-four may have had enough. The tide has finally turned and, as history has taught the rest of us, not even Daddy can fix that!
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It's only terra' if I say so! Yer not s'posed ta connect any dots by yerselves!
WARSHINGTON, DC - After spending the better part of five years scaring the bejeezus out of Americans about the unseen, unknowable, all-powerful Arab boogey-men tinkering with their luggage, their food supply, their stem cells, their phone calls and their mail, and colluding with intellectuals, environmentalists, anti-war protestors, prominent Democrats, and any other individuals or groups who dare question their actions, The MORONARCHY's outrageous demagoguery has come back to bite President MORON squarely in the ass. Not realizing that some of the Banana Republicans in the trenches, unwilling to sell their very souls for one more term (imagine that!), might actually believe some of the lies he has fabricated, President MORON was taken aback by Congressional objections to the deal to transfer the management of six US ports to the United Arab Emirates, and was forced to threaten a veto of any legislation which might derail the arrangement (yes, the same President MORON who has not vetoed a single bill in five years, no matter how fiscally irresponsible it was). These Banana Republicans apparently didn't understand that the bungling MORONARCHY has never had any real intention of providing security, they couldn't if they wanted to -- they still haven't "git"ed Osama bin Laden dead or alive. All of that grandstanding and fear-mongering was just an excuse for screwing the poor, cutting benefits to the middle class, rationalizing warrantless illegal wiretapping, illegally and immorally invading and occupying a foreign sovereign nation, torturing prisoners, and draining the Treasury. The UAE may have: fathered and funded two of the nine-one-one hijackers; actively thwarted efforts to trace and freeze bin Laden's bank accounts; aided A. Q. Kahn in shipping nuclear materials to Iran, North Korea and Libya; been one of only three governments to recognize the Taliban (Saudi Arabia and Pakistan being the other two); and may not recognize Israel's right to exist, but, hey, they're MORONARCHY family friends! What the Banana Republicans forgot is the one and only issue on which The MORONARCHY never wavers, GREED. In bumper sticker terms, "The only thing fear has to fear is corruption itself!"
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By doing nothing, we did nothing wrong!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As each and every one of The MORONARCHY's chickens comes home to roost, President MORON asks for yet another do-over. Having failed miserably to revitalize the 'conomy with a massive transfer of wealth from the US Treasury to his very comfortable cronies (the mechanism by which this was supposed to operate may or may not have been the subject of his MBA thesis, but remember, at best he got a "C" and that was only through social promotion); and having completely failed to "imagine" that a memo saying that bin Laden would hijack planes and fly them into skyscrapers meant that bin Laden would hijack planes and fly them into skyscrapers; and having failed to prove the assertion -- that there were weapons of mass deception -- for which he invaded and to this day occupies a foreign sovereign nation; and having failed to manage that occupation in a responsible manner to the point that Iraq is now erupting in civil war (that's candy and flowers in DICK-speak); and having failed to uphold the Geneva Conventions by opening a series of secret gulags to offshore torture throughout the world; and having failed to provide prescription drugs to the elderly through another massive wealth transfer; and having failed to uphold the Constitution -- which prohibits unreasonable search and seizure -- by illegally and warrantlessly eavesdropping on American citizens; another failure of The MORONARCHY has now been "studied" by The MORONARCHY itself: Hurricane Katrina. While we are constantly brow-beaten with a relentless stream of assertions that The MORONARCHY is competent and questioning them is tantamount to treason, they have now admitted that they were not even capable of planning for or cleaning up after a RAIN STORM. These greedy, self-serving, Banana Republican half-wits created the largest government agency in the history of this country -- the laughably named Department of Fatherland Security (which, in the interest of "national security" spent billions of dollars confiscating toenail clippers from everyone who dared to set foot in an airport) -- and assured a cowering public that they had things under control (the NEXT time someone hijacks four airplanes, we'll be a little less unprepared!). Now, this report provides further insight into the inner workings of this amazing organization. In the section called "Lessons Learned", it actually states that one of their biggest problems was that they didn't know how to work their radios, cellphones or walkie-talkies. This is the exact same "lesson" they supposedly learned as the World Trade Center was collapsing. Who learned the lesson? The Horse Whisperer? If all you do from the moment you arrive (late) at work until it's time to attend tonight's cocktail party is think of new ways to line your friends' pockets, the only lessons you are going to learn will have something to do with awarding no-bid contracts, or possibly with picking out your own pink shirt at Nordstroms, as the Horse Whisperer did (yes, he actually bragged about this in his most crucial email sent from New Orleans). But, as with all MORONARCHY explanations, not one grossly incompetent MORONARCHY crony is singled out for reprimand, not even Michael "We Really Dodged a Bullet" Chertoff. All blame rolls downhill. From the Governor of Louisiana who had the temerity to be both a woman and a Democrat at the same time, to the Mayor of New Orleans whose obvious sin was the color of his skin, to the very people stranded on the rooftops who did not have the decency to either drown quietly or swim for safety instead of posing before news cameras, they found fault everywhere except with their cronies who were so paralyzed by confusion that they did absolutely nothing (ultimately, the report concluded that from now on, all hundred-year storms will be met with a swift military response and evacuees won't suffer on TV, they will simply be shot). So, though they claim they know best, they sheepishly come before us again, hats in hand, asking for one more do-over repeating The MORONARCHY's new slogan, "We'll git 'em next time, maybe!" Apparently, the various natural and MORONARCHY inflicted disasters we have all suffered have been experiments so that they may "learn lessons" -- lessons which any person of reasonable (read dull normal) intelligence might be able to grasp intuitively, but which somehow seem to flummox these experts again and again. Unfortunately, their anti-intellectual rejection of all things scientific precludes them from applying the lessons to anything other than fear-mongering or fund-raising. More guinea pig chow anyone?
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He sneaked up on me. I had to uphold the second amendment!
WARSHINGTON, DC - After attempting to cover it up for twenty-four hours, The MORONARCHY had no choice but to confirm that The DICK shot someone in the face with a shotgun on Saturday while hunting down in Corpus Christi, Texas! That's right, the same DICK who went hunting with "Anthony" Scalia to fix the Supreme Court decision in the Energy Task-Farce lawsuit (think super-secret invade-Iraq, give-ANWR-a-whack, conservationists-are-on-crack, buy-a-Humvee-get-money-back, keep-Halliburton-in-the-black meetings), this time, mistook one of his friends, a seventy-eight year old Banana Republican attorney named Harry Whittington, for a quail! After the incident, The MORONARCHY tried everything it could to suppress the news. After all, this draft-dodging, "I had other priorities," chicken-hawk has spent five years asserting his competence in matters of warfare, and yet, he SHOT a guy with whom he was hunting (the guy was hospitalized). SHOT him. In the FACE. He was not surprisingly, hunting illegally -- he did not have an upland game birds stamp on his hunting license -- but, since he is above the law, this did not slow him down in the slightest. Remember kids, guns don't kill people, DICKs do.
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The top one percent are doin' well, what's the problem?
WARSHINGTON, DC - As President MORON gets ready to deliver his sixth State of the Union address, the very term has become oxymoronic. There is no union. There is a very small group of ultra-wealthy greed-driven pillagers -- The Banana Republicans -- who use terror as a weapon to keep the populace in a state of constant fear while they loot the treasury; and there is the rest of the nation -- the middle class. However, for the purposes of maintaining their illegitimate power, the first group uses demagoguery to divide the middle class along artificial lines. They have pitted pretend Christians (you know, those screw-the-poor, start-a-war, Darwin's-a-whore, execute-one-more, who-would-Jesus-torture evangelicals) against people with actual moral values; driven a wedge between anti-intellectuals (no-child-left-alive, ignorance-only-sex-educated, home-schooled, flat-Earth, global-warming-shlobal-warming pollutionists) and thinking people; and convinced gun owners that non-gun owning citizens will somehow magically overpower them and take their precious firearms. And, while these false dichotomies are festering, The Banana Republicans are robbing us blind. Exxon, which actually shares an office with The DICK, has made more profit (on your three-dollar-a-gallon gas) in the last year than any other company in the history of commerce. After accepting direct bribes from lobbyists, The Banana Republicans use earmarked appropriations -- sneaked in after the already unbalanced budgets are passed -- to line the pockets of all of their cronies. With the Medicare prescription drug catastrophe, they gave billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies and granted insurance underwriters a license to steal, but made the program so complicated that the sick and elderly are literally forced to guess what diseases they will contract a year in advance. As the gap between rich and poor widens yet again, and as the number of uninsured citizens exceeds forty-six million, President MORON will tout the "strong 'conomy." After lying us into an illegal immoral invasion and occupation of a foreign sovereign nation, Iraq -- which they estimated would cost no more than one billion seven hundred million dollars, but which, it has recently been projected, will wind up costing over one trillion seven hundred billion dollars (a slight miscalculation of only three orders of magnitude) -- they leave the cost of that war out of the budget, thus guaranteeing that the money must be borrowed from the Chinese and the Saudi Arabians, and paid back by our children and our children's children.
But all of that will be background noise because, aside from the laundry-list of ridiculous new pie-in-the-sky soon-to-be-forgotten promises which will be broken as soon as they are made, there will be TERRA'! With Osama's latest remix only two weeks old, and a fresh track from Ayman al Zawahiri (remember how we "got" him by killing those seventeen innocent people in Pakistan last week?) we will face another spate of "it's a big scary world," "the boogie-man's gonna get ya," "vote for Banana Republicans or you will surely die," Orange Alerts! Since the State of the Union is really the kick-off for The Banana Republican campaign season, after President MORON glosses over the unfortunate fact that he has failed to capture his arch enemy, the tone will be set. As the trials of everyone President MORON knows progress, and as the subpoenas pile up on the White House steps, we will be battered by a roller-coaster like series of Fatherland security advisory system threat level changes. We've seen it before. Every time an inconvenient news item surfaces, there will be a "credible non-specific threat" uncovered. Warrantless wiretapping will become obligatory. Bribery and corruption will become matters of national security. Lying, cheating, stealing, torturing, and killing will continue unabated. No one will investigate voter fraud, its very mention will be seen as treasonous. And yet, even with all of this occurring in plain sight, The Banana Republicans will steal another one and President MORON will escape accountability for three more years: State of the Union indeed.
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Legislative? Judicial? Those "branches" have been pruned!
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON gave a press conference here on Thursday. During the painful forty-five minutes, there was as usual, not a single word of truth spoken. President MORON explained -- in exactly the same tone as Tricky Dick -- that his violation of laws against wiretapping was not a violation at all because he is above the law. He went on to promise that, just as with any other aspect of The MORONARCHY, the Congressional request for the six hundred thousand pages of documents generated in response to the willful disregard of Hurricane Katrina's impact on New Orleans would be stonewalled because he "said so." He also stated that even though Jack Abramoff has spent more time in the Oval Office than Monica Lewinsky, he doesn't "know" him. With the inevitable confirmation of Samuel "Unitary Executive" Scalito imminent, his channeling of Louis XIV could not be more apt.
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How can I break the law if I am the law?
MANHATTAN, KS - President MORON appeared here before a prescreened audience of science-challenged creationist students at the University of Kansas here today to reiterate his desperate defense of the illegal warrantless wiretapping of US citizens he has undertaken over the last four years (Did anyone guess that it was going to be the same tired old "lessons of nine-one-one" excuse?). Of course, his War on Terra' isn't working so well, he has (conveniently) failed to "git" his arch enemy, either dead or alive. While there is an entire system set up to allow The MORONARCHY to eavesdrop on telephone conversations which really do involve national security -- the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) Court -- that was circumvented. The ONLY possible reason is that President MORON wasn't snooping on foreign terra'ists, he was listening in on American citizens. He said over and over again that The MORONARCHY was above the law, and declared that suggesting that he had broken the law would now constitute an act of treason. He then went on to assert that, "anyone suspected of this sort of treason would have his or her phones tapped, and have his or her email read without a warrant. We can't fight terra' without destroyin' the Constitution! So, cower in yer homes until further notice, and don't mind those little clicks on yer phone calls!" Wire Tap dancing!
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