President MORON

IN CONGRESS, HUBRIS KNOWS NO BOUNDS

Monday, March 21, 2005, 12:00 AM - Jay O-Three

We're coming to your hospital room or bedroom next!

WASHINGTON, DC - After a rare midnight session in which the Banana Republicans in the House of Representatives debated nothing but emotionally charged hearsay about a medical patient in Florida, your Congressmen passed the most ridiculous piece of legislation yet. At one o'clock this morning, President MORON signed a new law passed today to intervene directly in the medical case of a single individual, Terri Shiavo. Even though the subject of this new law has been in a persistent vegetative state for fifteen years, even though not one single member of Congress had seen this person first hand, even though her case has been reviewed six times in Florida courts, and even though the most corrupt Supreme Court in history didn't even deem it prudent to get involved, Tom Delay has decided that he knows best. Apparently, from now on, medical diagnoses will not be provided by doctors, but rather handed down by Congress after they conduct an opinion poll. If Banana Republicans say someone is not brain dead, that person had better respond to their subpoena. If that person asked not to be kept in a persistent vegetative state, her wishes will be completely disregarded. Dennis Hastert will now decide who lives and who dies. In the basest instance of political grandstanding in many years, Banana Republicans have latched on to this case in order to energize their bible-thumping anti-intellectual evangelical creationist base using the laughable term, "a culture of life." These are the same Banana Republicans who, to a man, support the expansion of the death penalty, who support the god-given right of Wal-Mart to sell guns to children, and who love invading foreign countries yet think so little of the consequences of those invasions that they don't even acknowledge the number of innocent people they have killed, "We don't do body counts." Yet, when it comes to the right of one individual to die with dignity, they go ballistic. Although this Congress doesn't have the political will to address the soaring budget deficits, the lies President MORON told to start two wars, or the looming crises in Medicare and Medicaid, they will literally stay up all night to pander to the extremist religious right!
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THE SECOND I-NAUSEA-TION

Thursday, January 20, 2005, 12:00 PM - Jay O-Three

I solemnly swear I will do whatever I want for four more years!

WASHINGTON, DC - President MORON took the oath of office here again today. Through his tracheal breathing tube, dinner theater superstar and occasional Chief Justice of the United States, William "HMS Pinnafore" Rehnquist administered the oath. President MORON then spoke. He has determined that a War on Imaginary Terra' simply isn't killing innocent people fast enough. Somehow, through his accountability free view of reality, he now feels entitled undertake a brand new world wide War on Tyranny. President MORON has resolved to derail America's future completely. He has no qualms about defining the entire rest of our existence in terms of one of the two greatest failures of his first term, the hijackings of nine-one-one. He stated that we will never go back to a nation of peace and prosperity, but rather that from now on, we will only wage ever expanding wars of choice. He promised more invasions, more occupations, more torture and many many more deaths. Although he used the words "freedom" and "liberty" profusely, they were not meant to apply to the citizenry, just to the MORONARCHY. Invoking the threat of unseen boogeymen the world over, he stated that he would feel "free" to take the "liberty" of escalating his assault on the Bill of Rights. Turning to domestic affairs, he enshrined the notion of corporate greed as the only legitimate motivation for governance and disclosed a profoundly irresponsible new agenda. Promising to dismantle the last vestige of FDR's New Deal, he declared another all-out war, this time on Social Security. While ignoring the fact that his profligate spending on war-mongering and TaxCutsForTheRich were bankrupting the treasury, he tried to convince Americans that borrowing several trillion more dollars for a gift to Wall Street brokers, who were among his most generous campaign contributors, was a form of fiscal responsibility. His theory came down to saddling future generations with crushing new debt, screwing retirees out of their benefits and destroying the funding mechanism for the single most successful government program in American history all in the name of another handout to the deserving rich. He never provided any explanation as to how this would benefit the middle class, but proclaimed that after his "accountability moment" on November 2, no such explanation was necessary. He then went on to warn Americans that they had better be more helpful to those less fortunate around them because the government was getting out of the business of providing charity to needy individuals. He explained that unless you owned a registered, MORONARCHY approved, tax-free evangelical Christian organization, no more largesse would be forthcoming.

Dead giveaway!

Afterwards, in a style befitting the petty dictatorship that is the MORONARCHY, there was a parade down Pennsylvania Avenue. However, absolutely no members of the general public were permitted to attend. One hundred blocks of the downtown area were sealed off, and all "unauthorized" onlookers were either forcibly ejected or imprisoned. Only preapproved attendees, who were all x-rayed and required to produce positive identification, were allowed near the heavily guarded parade route. Even a token number of mock protesters were displayed in a secure "free speech zone" to add to President MORON's illusion of legitimacy. Although the MORONARCHY stuck the city with the twenty million dollar bill for security, President MORON's friends spent more than forty million dollars on themselves in their own lavish celebrations of this momentous occasion. More money was spent on this inauseation than any other in history, despite the fact that the economy is in dire straits, the treasury is bankrupt, and the nation is bogged down in a war it can not win, where US troops and innocent people are dying every single day. Party on, President MORON!
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