The top one percent are doin' well, what's the problem?
WARSHINGTON, DC - As President MORON gets ready to deliver his sixth State of the Union address, the very term has become oxymoronic. There is no union. There is a very small group of ultra-wealthy greed-driven pillagers -- The Banana Republicans -- who use terror as a weapon to keep the populace in a state of constant fear while they loot the treasury; and there is the rest of the nation -- the middle class. However, for the purposes of maintaining their illegitimate power, the first group uses demagoguery to divide the middle class along artificial lines. They have pitted pretend Christians (you know, those screw-the-poor, start-a-war, Darwin's-a-whore, execute-one-more, who-would-Jesus-torture evangelicals) against people with actual moral values; driven a wedge between anti-intellectuals (no-child-left-alive, ignorance-only-sex-educated, home-schooled, flat-Earth, global-warming-shlobal-warming pollutionists) and thinking people; and convinced gun owners that non-gun owning citizens will somehow magically overpower them and take their precious firearms. And, while these false dichotomies are festering, The Banana Republicans are robbing us blind. Exxon, which actually shares an office with The DICK, has made more profit (on your three-dollar-a-gallon gas) in the last year than any other company in the history of commerce. After accepting direct bribes from lobbyists, The Banana Republicans use earmarked appropriations -- sneaked in after the already unbalanced budgets are passed -- to line the pockets of all of their cronies. With the Medicare prescription drug catastrophe, they gave billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies and granted insurance underwriters a license to steal, but made the program so complicated that the sick and elderly are literally forced to guess what diseases they will contract a year in advance. As the gap between rich and poor widens yet again, and as the number of uninsured citizens exceeds forty-six million, President MORON will tout the "strong 'conomy." After lying us into an illegal immoral invasion and occupation of a foreign sovereign nation, Iraq -- which they estimated would cost no more than one billion seven hundred million dollars, but which, it has recently been projected, will wind up costing over one trillion seven hundred billion dollars (a slight miscalculation of only three orders of magnitude) -- they leave the cost of that war out of the budget, thus guaranteeing that the money must be borrowed from the Chinese and the Saudi Arabians, and paid back by our children and our children's children.
But all of that will be background noise because, aside from the laundry-list of ridiculous new pie-in-the-sky soon-to-be-forgotten promises which will be broken as soon as they are made, there will be TERRA'! With Osama's latest remix only two weeks old, and a fresh track from Ayman al Zawahiri (remember how we "got" him by killing those seventeen innocent people in Pakistan last week?) we will face another spate of "it's a big scary world," "the boogie-man's gonna get ya," "vote for Banana Republicans or you will surely die," Orange Alerts! Since the State of the Union is really the kick-off for The Banana Republican campaign season, after President MORON glosses over the unfortunate fact that he has failed to capture his arch enemy, the tone will be set. As the trials of everyone President MORON knows progress, and as the subpoenas pile up on the White House steps, we will be battered by a roller-coaster like series of Fatherland security advisory system threat level changes. We've seen it before. Every time an inconvenient news item surfaces, there will be a "credible non-specific threat" uncovered. Warrantless wiretapping will become obligatory. Bribery and corruption will become matters of national security. Lying, cheating, stealing, torturing, and killing will continue unabated. No one will investigate voter fraud, its very mention will be seen as treasonous. And yet, even with all of this occurring in plain sight, The Banana Republicans will steal another one and President MORON will escape accountability for three more years: State of the Union indeed.
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Legislative? Judicial? Those "branches" have been pruned!
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON gave a press conference here on Thursday. During the painful forty-five minutes, there was as usual, not a single word of truth spoken. President MORON explained -- in exactly the same tone as Tricky Dick -- that his violation of laws against wiretapping was not a violation at all because he is above the law. He went on to promise that, just as with any other aspect of The MORONARCHY, the Congressional request for the six hundred thousand pages of documents generated in response to the willful disregard of Hurricane Katrina's impact on New Orleans would be stonewalled because he "said so." He also stated that even though Jack Abramoff has spent more time in the Oval Office than Monica Lewinsky, he doesn't "know" him. With the inevitable confirmation of Samuel "Unitary Executive" Scalito imminent, his channeling of Louis XIV could not be more apt.
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How can I break the law if I am the law?
MANHATTAN, KS - President MORON appeared here before a prescreened audience of science-challenged creationist students at the University of Kansas here today to reiterate his desperate defense of the illegal warrantless wiretapping of US citizens he has undertaken over the last four years (Did anyone guess that it was going to be the same tired old "lessons of nine-one-one" excuse?). Of course, his War on Terra' isn't working so well, he has (conveniently) failed to "git" his arch enemy, either dead or alive. While there is an entire system set up to allow The MORONARCHY to eavesdrop on telephone conversations which really do involve national security -- the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) Court -- that was circumvented. The ONLY possible reason is that President MORON wasn't snooping on foreign terra'ists, he was listening in on American citizens. He said over and over again that The MORONARCHY was above the law, and declared that suggesting that he had broken the law would now constitute an act of treason. He then went on to assert that, "anyone suspected of this sort of treason would have his or her phones tapped, and have his or her email read without a warrant. We can't fight terra' without destroyin' the Constitution! So, cower in yer homes until further notice, and don't mind those little clicks on yer phone calls!" Wire Tap dancing!
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If you hate Americans as much as Turd Blossom does, this stuff is easy!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As of yet unindicted CIA-agent-outing traitor, Karl ROVE, emerged from the slimy bog where he usually wallows to add his own distorted spin to the illegal wiretapping perpetrated by his master, President MORON. Addressing the Banana Republican National Committee (BRNC) here Friday, he made it clear that there would be no retreat from the single minded destruction of this nation for the sole purpose of self enrichment for those assembled. Even in the face of five years of abject failure by every yardstick, they would not blink, they would not rethink, they would not relent. They failed to stop the hijacking of four airplanes; they have failed to capture the person responsible for the hijackings, although the have had over four years to do so; they have failed to make any improvements in the safety or security of American citizens; they have failed to rebuild the economy; they have failed to live up to international law in their illegal immoral invasion and occupation of a foreign sovereign nation, Iraq; they have failed to win that illegal war; they failed to plan for and then recover from a rain storm that they knew was coming; they have failed to provide prescription drug coverage to the sick and elderly; and these are just objective measures. By their own manifesto, Banana Republicans are supposed to stand against fiscal irresponsibility and big intrusive government, and they are supposed to stand for accountability (god forbid someone should get a blowjob, remember?) and yet, they have failed to produce a single balanced budget (instead producing the highest rate of deficit spending in history); they have created the largest, most intrusive government agency the world has ever seen; and to this day, this can-do leave-it-to-the-MBAs laughing-stock collection of bumbling clowns has not held a single one of their own to account for anything. At their core, the one and only true belief to which they all cling is greed: whether raiding the coffers of the Treasury to give themselves outrageous tax cuts, awarding one another no-bid mercenary contracts, pocketing nine billion dollars at a time in "accounting oversights", or just bilking clients and using the money to bribe each other, they have always made sure they got the long end of the stick.
Which brings us to Turd Blossom's hate-filled appearance before the BRNC: apparently, all this greed, all this destruction of the middle class, all this suffering, all of this invasion of privacy, all of this corruption, all of this lying, cheating, stealing, torturing and killing is still not enough for these thugs, so the talking points for this year were announced. As with the last election, the key to hoodwinking the American public will once again be making sure they live in constant fear. Pretending to believe in Christianity, they will dupe dim-witted evangelicals into thinking that stealing and killing are alright, but allowing same sex marriages will put America on the highway to hell. Pretending to have something in common with the intellectually challenged gun owning rednecks, they will scare them into believing that Democrats will come to their trailer homes and take their guns away. And pretending that they do not directly benefit from the continued existence of Osama bin Laden (who conveniently seems to pop up every time President MORON needs a media diversion from one of his most egregious sins), they will again say that Democrats don't believe in security, and that the only way to be safe is to have Banana Republicans line their own pockets, steal your property, squander your nation's treasure, spill innocent blood and invade your privacy. Attempting to hold them accountable will be labeled as unAmerican. Questioning why they don't obey laws will be called treason. And as with anything Turd Blossom does, there will be a liberal dose of character assassination through whisper campaigns about sexual orientation and patriotism. The only sad part is, just like every other time, because so many Americans will be cowering under their covers waiting for "the rapture", that it will work.
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There's light at the end of the tunnel!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As of today, we will only have to put up with three more years of lying, cheating, stealing, torturing, and killing. There are fewer years of The MORONARCHY left than we have already endured. Our phones will only be tapped for three more years. The middle class will only suffer relentless abuse for three more years. The deficit will only soar for three more years. Corruption will only go unchecked for three more years. That's one thousand ninety-five days. But who's counting?
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Tapes and the tapers who tape them
WARSHINGTON, DC - As Osama "I'm-Still-Not-Dead-Yet" bin Laden again rubs The MORONARCHY's nose in its own incompetence by releasing another tape, the misguided War on Terra' continues. Both President MORON and The DICK made speeches today wherein they invoked the (yawn) "Lessons of Nine-One-One" as a rationale for all sorts of abuse. The MORONARCHY can not capture bin Laden, so they spy on Americans (huh?). Even though the FBI has gone on record stating that the illegal wiretapping of US citizens has netted nothing but a flood worthless leads that go nowhere, that has not slowed the NSA down at all. This shouldn't surprise anyone. There is no evidence that the aim of the illegal wiretapping is related to thwarting terra'. The MORONARCHY claims to be carrying on in the spirit of Ronnie Ray-Gun, but the fact is, the true role model for this administration is none other than the last illegal wiretapper, Tricky Dick (quick, hang up the phone)!
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We'll git the oil, those al-Qaribou don't stand a chance!
WARSHINGTON, DC - Can’t get ANWR? No problem, apparently, for the US Department Of Oil Drilling In Excess “DOODIE” which yesterday approved oil and gas drilling on more than half a million acres of land in the Teshekpuk Lake area on Alaska's North Slope. The Teshekpuk region has a 26,000 caribou herd, provides habitat for up to 60,000 molting geese each summer as well as a myriad of other wildlife and waterfowl, and is the ancestral home of Inupiat Eskimos. The land is considered so sensitive to wildlife habitat that it was first protected by former Reagan Interior Secretary James “Kill-a-Tree-Hugger” Watt. Watt initially protected more than 200,000 acres of the goose-molting area and President Clinton expanded bans against drilling around and on the lake to more than half a million acres. Then came MORONARCHY, which in 2003 announced plans to open the remaining Teshekpuk Lake region to full-scale oil development, removing all protections afforded the area just two years earlier. To date, over 8.5 million acres surrounding Teshekpuk Lake have already been leased and partially developed for oil and gas production. According to the MORONARCHY’s Bureau of Land Mismanagement, the latest public land robbery comes in response to the DICK Cheney’s energy task force, i.e the Petrochemical Ownership of Presidency (POOP) cabal. Further, BLM officials estimate the entire northeast National Petroleum Reserve, including the lake area, may contain as much as 2 billion barrels of "economically recoverable" oil, or, in layman’s terms, LESS THAN 4 MONTHS OF CURRENT DOMESTIC CONSUMPTION. "Our mission is to provide for multiple abuses. Sure, we used to have to protect wildlife as part of our mission, but our mission now is to find that delicate balance between oil drilling and gas mining," said a BLM Alaska spokeswoman.
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I swear I will agressively evade every question thrown my way!
WASHINGTON, DC - Three days into the Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing for Supreme Court nominee, Judge "Machine-Gun-Sammy" "Strip-Search-a-Ten-Year-Old-Girl" Scalito, he has not answered a single question regarding: his membership in the Concerned Alumni of Princeton which promoted racial and gender discrimination and his dishonesty in rationalizing that association; his utter disdain for working class people and slavish devotion to coprorate and government interests while on the Third Circuit Court of Appeals; his belief that President MORON is above the law and that warrantless wiretapping of citizens derives from the divine right of kings; his failure to recuse himself -- even after promising the Senate Judiciary Committee that he would do so -- from a case involving Vanguard mutual funds in which he had a personal financial interest; his bizarre extremist assertion that failed nominee and noted lunatic, Robert Bork, was an outstanding choice; and his belief that Roe v. Wade is not settled law, and that the Constitution does not guarantee a right to privacy. While Banana Republicans publicly performed the same service on Scalito that Monica Lewinsky so famously performed in private, Democrats were slightly more confrontational. Kennedy, Feinstein, Biden, Schumer, Durbin, Feingold, Kohl and Leahy asked and asked and asked. But Sammy wouldn't budge. He dodged and dodged and dodged. He did assert that all of the lies he told in the past were motivated by job seeking, and that any current lies should be excused for the same reason. For the record, John Cornyn did not ask any questions about his greatest fear, human and box turtle marriages. Arlen Specter, John Cornyn and Chuck Grassley all suggested expediting the hearings so that they would be able to vote before their Abramoff bribery scandal indictments were handed down. Unfortunately, the dull-as-dishwater Scalito has not produced any fireworks and so far, only one thing has become clear: he is no Harriet Miers!
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Hey, America, I'm listenin', to yer phone calls anyway!
WASHINGTON, DC - As The MORONARCHY slithers toward its sixth year, the entire Banana Republican regime is collapsing under unprecedented levels of corruption. President MORON has abandoned the Constitution entirely, warrantlessly wiretapping US citizens in direct defiance of the super-secret FISA court set up for just such activity. Although they would have people believe otherwise, every single one of the people Jack "Guilty-as-Charged" Abramoff named as a recipient of his special bribery treatment is a Banana Republican. NOT ONE DEMOCRAT. The election in Iraq sure did "solve" the insurgency -- if one ignores the daily car bombs claiming hundreds and hundreds of innocent lives -- and the cost (newly estimated at a trillion dollars), in typical MORONARCHY style, is being kept out of the budget and "responsibly" foisted off on future generations. The MORONARCHY's "spiritual spokesperson," PsychoPat Robertson has said that Ariel Sharon's stroke was god's punishment for withdrawing from some of the occupied territory in Gaza and The West Bank. The Department of Labor's MSHA (Mine Safety and Health Administration) -- which has such a low priority in The MORONARCHY that it has no department head, not even a self absorbed horse whisperer -- was directly responsible for allowing the Sago Mine to continue operation even after it was cited for the exact safety problems which caused the deaths of the twelve miners in West Virginia. And, the single-minded greed-driven warfare on working-class people continues -- warfare perpetrated by a MORONARCHY so obsessed with self-service that it has not even noticed that the tide has turned. Unfortunately, it is always darkest before the dawn.
Just for fun, in addition to President MORON for whom Abramoff raised one hundred thousand dollars, here is a list of the Banana Republicans he bribed -- courtesy of truthout: Tom DeLay (R-Texas). John Ashcroft (R-Mo.). Frank A. LoBiondo (R-NJ). Eric Cantor (R-Va.). Arlen Specter (R-Pa.). John Ensign (R-Nev.). Johnny Isakson (R-Ga.). Charles H. Taylor (R-NC). Chris Cannon (R-Utah). Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa). Mark Foley (R-Fla.). Richard Pombo (R-Calif.). Christopher S. "Kit" Bond (R-Mo.). Curt Weldon (R-Pa.). Dana Rohrabacher (R-Calif.). Doug Ose (R-Calif.). Ernest J. Istook (R-Okla.). George R. Nethercutt Jr. (R-Wash.). Jim Bunning (R-Ky.). Richard C. Shelby (R-Ala.). Tom Feeney (R-Fla.). Dan Burton (R-Ind.). Eric Cantor (R-Va.). Suzanne Terrell (R-La.). Rob Simmons (R-Conn.). Charles W. "Chip" Pickering Jr. (R-Miss.). Connie Morella (R-Md.). Gordon H. Smith (R-Ore.). James M. Inhofe (R-Okla.). James M. Talent (R-Mo.). John T. Doolittle (R-Calif.). John Thune (R-SD). Tim Hutchinson (R-Ark.). Bob Smith (R-Fla.). Bob Ney (R-Ohio). CL. "Butch" Otter (R-Idaho). Carolyn W. Grant (R-NC). Denny Rehberg (R-Mont.). Elizabeth Dole (R-NC). Heather Wilson (R-NM). J. Randy Forbes (R-Va.). Jack Kingston (R-Ga.). James V. Hansen (R-Utah). John Cornyn (R-Texas). Kimo Kaloi (R-Hawaii). Marilyn Musgrave (R-Colo.). Mike Ferguson (R-NJ). Mike Simpson (R-Idaho). Ralph Regula (R-Ohio). Ric Keller (R-Fla.). Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.). Ted Stevens (R-Alaska). Thad Cochran (R-Miss.). Dave Camp (R-Mich.). Phil Gingrey (R-Ga.). Tom Young (R-Ala.). Bill Janklow (R-SD). Craig Thomas (R-Wyo.). Spencer Abraham (R-Mich.). William L. Gormley (R-NJ). Bill McCollum (R-Fla.). Bill Redmond (R-NM). Bob Riley (R-Ala.). Claude B. Hutchison Jr. (R-Calif.). Denny Rehberg (R-Mont.). Francis E. Flotron (R-Mo.). George Allen (R-Va.). Mike Enzi (R-Wyo.). Walter B. Jones Jr. (R-NC). Paul Ryan (R-Wis.). Bob Smith (R-Fla.). Joe Pitts (R-PA). Charles H. Taylor (R-NC). Bob Ehrlich (R-Md.). Charles R. Gerow (R-Pa.). Ed Royce (R-Calif.). Elia Vincent Pirozzi (R-Calif.). Jerry Weller (R-Ill.). Mark Emerson (R-Utah). Tom Davis (R-Va.). Van Hilleary (R-Tenn.).
As well as: Americans for a Republican Majority, Leadership PAC of Tom DeLay (R-Texas). Republican Majority Fund, Leadership PAC of Don Nickles (R-Okla.). Keep Our Majority PAC, Leadership PAC of Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.). Leadership PAC, Leadership PAC of Michael G. Oxley (R-Ohio). Rely on Your Beliefs, Leadership PAC of Roy Blunt (R-Mo.). Friends of the Big Sky, Leadership PAC of Conrad Burns (R-Mont.). Senate Victory Fund, Leadership PAC of Thad Cochran (R-Miss.). American Liberty PAC, Leadership PAC of Bob Ney (R-Ohio). Battle Born PAC, Leadership PAC of John Ensign (R-Nev.). Fund for a Free Market America, Leadership PAC of Phil Crane (R-Ill.). Team PAC, Leadership PAC of J.D. Hayworth (R-Ariz.). The Republican Party of New Jersey.
They're all going down.
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