You don't have the guts to vote!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As the election draws near, Banana Republicans know you are too stupid to notice what they have been doing. You are going to forget that they utterly failed to protect the American people from terrorists on Nine-One-One; that they used that failure as a false pretense to begin revoking your civil rights; that they invaded and occupied two countries and caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent people; that they are in fact losing both wars simultaneously because they have no idea what they are doing; that they have raised taxes on every American by borrowing eight trillion dollars to give away to their cronies in no-bid contracts; that they endorse torture as a "Family Value"; that they have wasted hundreds of billions of dollars on false security while doing absolutely nothing to provide any real security; that they were unable to rescue the people New Orleans from a rain storm; that they tolerate such a high level of corruption that even after pleading guilty, they allow Rubber Stampresentatives to continue serving; that they have done absolutely nothing for the American people in the legislature; and that their desire to hold on to power is so overwhelming that they would rather cover up a case of child molestation than lose a committee chair. You are going to forget because they will distract you once again with stupid fabricated issues like illegal immigration, flag burning and gay marriage. And of course, you are going to forget because they have called anyone who questions their policies a traitor, a cut-and-runner and a coward. You are going to forget because they are going to pretend terrorists are lurking everywhere and the only appropriate reaction is to cower in fear. And while you aren't looking, and while you are forgetting to vote, they are going to steal another election right out from under you, and you are going to do nothing. Perhaps the Banana Republicans are right...
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We're takin' yer liquids, but we're still servin' baloney!
GREEN BAY, WI - President MORON landed here today, taking precious time off from his ten day vacation (anyone else notice Rome is burning?), to let us know that another imaginary terra'ist plot has been foiled in London. Yesterday, The DICK said, "Voting for Ed Lamont is the same as voting for terra'ists which is just intolerable." Just as Iraqi, Palestinian, and Lebanese votes against totalitarian ultraconservatism were countermanded by veto or assassination, the people of Connecticut are being punished for rejecting Joe "Kiss Me, President MORON" Lieberman (didn't The Banana Republicans themselves call him "Sore Loserman?"). So, for the first time since the last election cycle (figure the odds!), our threat level has been elevated. Somehow, terra'ists are able to smuggle "liquid explosives" in their carry-on luggage, but they are unable to place them in their checked baggage (stupid terra'ists!). Make no mistake, there was no plot in London. There is no threat to the US other than The MORONARCHY itself.
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Ach! Nein means Nein!
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - With his approval ratings threatening to fall lower than his IQ, and the reality that it might be really tough to fix this Fall's midterm elections, the MORONARCHY apparently thought it would be a good idea for President MORON to get out a little before his annual 5 week TEXASS Summer vacation. Well, the first thing you know, there's a bunch of millionaires, neoconfolk said George you should probably be there, since the G8 Summit was the place you ought to be, so they loaded up the plane and flew to Germany. Thus, President MORON was set loose on his own reckon'aissance and hit the road for the Summer 2006 Hubris & Comedy World Tour to meet with those other richfolk countries. President MORON first arrived in Germany to meet with his newest, bestest friend, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, while, ironically, World War III (as the Banana Republicans would have you believe) threatened to break out in the Middle East. When asked "Does it concern you that the Beirut airport has been bombed... And do you see a risk of triggering a wider war?" President "What Me Worry" MORON did not disappoint and responded by relying on the only thing he could read that day, the dinner menu. "I thought you were going to ask me about the pig," The crowd went crazy as it was clear that the White House doctors had forgotten to increase his Prozac dosage for the trip.
And... it only got better. On to Moscow for the actual G8 summit where President MORON first got a raucous reaction as he 'lectured' Russian host Vladimir Putin on democracy, freedom of religion, and a free press. Then, in a brilliant demonstration of unitary presidential powers, President MORON appeared to get a taste of his own medicine when his conversation with toadie Tony Blair and Chinese President Hu Jintao was caught on a live microphone. President MORON, the self-proclaimed morality leader of the universe, was clearly preaching to the rest of the world about how not to behave when he "pretended" to unleash a profanity laced and ignorant view of the current Middle East conflict. Then, and this is great, he feigned shock and awe to President Hu about the fact that Chiner is a big country. He awesomely attempted to bring himself down to the lower intellectual level of the Chinese, "But heh heh, it's not their fault," and asked of Hu, "You eight hours? Me too. Rusher's a big country and yer a big country. Takes him eight hours to fly home ... Rusher's big and so is Chiner. Yo Blair, what'cha doin? Are ya' leavin?" (Tony Blair had finally noticed that the microphone was still on). It simply leaves one breathless, and proud to be an Amerkin.
Ah, but the free world demanded an encore and President MORON did not disappoint. As the G 8/10 (China, India?) economic leaders were sitting down to discuss the most pressing problems of the day, President MORON walked straight up to the already seated Angela Merkel and proceeded to give her a Texas "Noose" Rub. White House Fox News spokesman Tony Snow dismissed the potentially embarrassing incident as nothing more than a misunderstanding. "The President has apologized to Chancellor Merkel for any appearance of impropriety. He saw the banner hanging over the discussion table, written in Russian I might add, and simply thought it was either freshman rush week at Moscow University or that he was at a clemency hearing. Anyone can make that mistake"
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It's simply, my friends, another personal attack on your freedom by the liberal drive-by press. I was only there for the stogies
PALM BEACH, FL - The Banana Republican's favorite Big Fat Drug Addicted Idiot was "detained" for more that three hours Monday at Palm Beach International Airport after a customs officer checked his bags and found that he was indeed big, fat, an idiot, and had a vial full of big blue pills. According to Flori'duh authorities, Mr. Big was nabbed with 29 caps of the erectile disfunction aid Viagra upon returning on a private flight from a long weekend in the Dominican Republic, which is popularly known for its (a) baseball, (b) beaches, and (c,d,e) brothels. Apparently, there was a slight problem because the love drugs were not prescribed to Mr. Fat, but rather were prescribed to two different doctors, who, according to his attorney, had listed the drugs under their names to protect Mr. Drug's privacy. This clearly was uncomfortable for Mr. Addicted as he is currently on probation following his recent April plea agreement for PHYSICIAN SHOPPING for 2,000 hits of Oxycontin, or, as we say in Texas, hillbilly heroin. An unfazed Mr. Boil-On-His-Ass-To-Avoid-Vietnam joked about the latest drug bust on his Tuesday radio infomercial, saying customs officials didn't believe him when he said he got the pills from Bill Clinton, and/or that he thought the "Bob Doles" were blue M&Ms. He further quipped "I had a great time in the Dominican Republic. Wish I could tell you about it." Well, it's a good bet that he wasn't there to (a) buy baseballs, or (b) walk Boca Chica in a thong (hopefully), which of course leaves c,d,and e. I guess the good news in all of this is that eventually we may be able to watch Daryn Kagen again without getting nauseous.
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Conservatism isn't about feeling people's pain. It's about causing it
WARSHINGTON, D.C. - It was a really good day today. Why you may ask. Well, was it that the MORONARCHY's arresting, raiding, torturing, shooting, bombing, etc. of Iraqi citizens finally paid off with the news that we got one of the bad guys? Maybe. Was it that the repeal of the estate tax on the heirs of the 0.27 % richest Amerkins failed to pass the Senate? Perhaps. Or could it have been the extraordinary sight of a disgraced Banana Republican majority leader giving his farewell speech to the House of Representatives? Bingo! No finer words have ever been spoken on the "Peoples's Floor" when Tom "The Hammer" DeLay interrupted House business to deliver his final invective "I don't bear any regret at all" and that he was leaving "under the happiest of the available options," or, as they say in Texas, indictment. Although the former Banana Republican House majority leader leaves behind a 21 year legacy of bitter partisanship, money laundering, illegal gerrymandering, and payola to family, it's possible he will be best remembered for his staunch claim of Christian morals as "The Human Rights Champion" of the Marianas. Or better yet, he'll just be forgotten.
Iraqis mourn the DeLay
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Gay bashin' is in fashion!
WARSHINGTON, DC - The sky is fallin'! The sky is fallin'! It's not because the polar ice caps are melting; it's not because the jobless rate is once again climbing; it's not because the national debt now exceeds eight trillion dollars; it's not because gas costs over three dollars a gallon; it's not because President MORON's immoral illegal invasion and occupation of foreign sovereign Iraq is collapsing into a civil war which has already cost three hundred billion dollars, has taken the lives of nearly two thousand five hundred troops, and has left the Iraqi people awash in their own blood; it's not because there are so many terra'ists in the country that every single phone call ever made has to be monitored without a warrant; it's not because the public schools are so underfunded by the no-child-left-alive act that they can do nothing but provide remedial servcies; it's not because the new Medicare Part D precsription drug bill is so complex that it has done absolutely nothing except transfer massive numbers US Treasury dollars to drug companies; it's not because the middle class is sagging under an ever icreasing tax burden while the wealthy receive more and more TaxCutsForTheRich; it's not because K Street lobbyists are actually paying cash to corrupt Rubber-Stampresentatives for the privilege of writing our laws; it's not because there are too many illegal immigrants crossing the border to do jobs-no-American-is-willin'-to-do; it's not even because the Iranians might some day somehow be able to make an atomic bomb! No, none of these are even on The MORONARCHY's radar screen because: TWO GAY PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO GET MARRIED! The amount of harm this would do not just to American society, but to the very pillars of western civilization itself is so enormous that the Constitution -- the same Constitution President MORON has alternately ignored and shredded over the last five years -- must be rewritten to make sure it does not happen! Although no right-wing phony-christian brain-dead anti-intellectual divider-not-uniter homophobic Banana Republican has ever been able to point to a single instance of the devastation this alamring eventuality might have wrought, or even explain exactly what form that destruction might take, President MORON is dropping everything to advocate this hate based amendment -- which means a lot when one considers that he will be spending the next three months on vacation down in CRAWFISH with Sexretary of State (ew!), Convoluted Lies (or Sally Hemmings as President MORON likes to call her), failin' to imagine stuff. The ONLY thing the Banana Republicans have left is divisive fear-tinged hatred, and the last groups of people they can all agree to hate are gays and lesbians. As the redneck "Christians" who stand outside cemetaries and rejoice in the deaths of fallen soldiers point out, "God hates fags," (the many people in this country who were brought up to think that "God is Love," are simply not true believers). Yes, the basis for this bizarre effort to use the Constitution to take away the rights of human beings is religion. Since President MORON is not capable of discerning the difference between a theocracy and a dictatorship (as long as he is "The Decider"), he has taken up this cause with fervor. As long as the wedge driven into the heart of this nation allows crooked Diebold machines to register one more vote for hatred than for compassion, the effort will have paid off. Although the Banana Republicans may well preside over a vast wasteland which is nothing more than the smoking remnant of a once great society, it matters not. Morality itself matters not. Holding on to power matters. Chicken-Little has spoken!
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If I don't get to break the law, how can anyone expect me to bother enforcing it?
WARSHINGTON, DC - In the wake of The MORONARCHY's FBI raid of Congressman William Jefferson's Warshington office -- which unquestionably violated the separation of powers -- some in The MORONARCHY felt that they had to stand on principle. Yes, these brave souls, Attorney General Alberto "Torture is Freedom" Gonzales, his assistant Paul "Blowjobs: Impeachable, Illegal Wars: Not" McNulty and FBI Director Robert "Code Orange" Mueller let President MORON know that they could only be pushed so far. All three of them threatened to resign if: the Rubber-Stampresentative's seized papers were returned! Americans should thank their lucky stars that these gentlemen are in charge of our law enforcement. Even in the face of a gross miscarriage of justice, they didn't blink, they didn't waver, they didn't even hesitate: they put their jobs on the line to make sure that a wrong was not righted. More Medals of Freedom anyone?
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Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty (plus guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty) and guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty!
HOUSTON, TX - A jury in TEXAS, that's right, TEXAS -- the gun-loving death-penalty-craving war-mongering gay-bashing religiously-intolerant anti-intellectual home of President MORON -- was capable of grasping that President MORON's closest friend and largest campaign contributor, Kenny-Boy "The K-Man" Lay (yes, two President MORON nicknames), was not some down-home unassuming aw-shucks didn't-know-any-better dupe, but rather directly involved, with malice aforethought, in the shell game that created the artificial run-up and eventual collapse of Enron. His accomplice, Jeffrey "Energy-Traitor" Skilling was also found guilty of fraud and conspiracy as well as insider trading and making false statements. Kenny-Boy was separately found guilty in a judge-only trial of bank fraud and making false statements. Nice guys. Most importantly, under no circumstances can The K-Man be separated from President MORON or The DICK. He endorsed them, he flew them around in his ill-gotten jet, he gave them money -- lots and lots of money -- he was on The DICK's energy task farce. At its very core, The MORONARCHY is built on fraud, conspiracy, false statements and insider trading. Now that's a tarbaby!
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No, my colon, not COLON Powell... No, SnowJob, SnowJob, there is no blue dress... Yes, I did say tarbaby! Come on, this is The MORONARCHY after all!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As a Faux News reporter actually set up shop inside The MORONARCHY this week as the new press secretary, it became apparent that the usually seamless disinformation system is completely broken. While Tony SnowJob might well have several more euphemisms for "ongoing investigation" than his gelatinous predecessor did, that wasn't the problem President MORON needed solved. It does not matter whether one has spent years lying into a TV camera or one has just learned to read, nobody can say completely contradictory things and make them stick. It is not that The MORONARCHY has run out of lies, it is that the lies now collide with each other so often that reality is peeking through. Immigrants are ruining the country, but we need a permanent underclass of shadow workers. The sky will fall if lettuce costs an extra dime but the economy can tolerate any price for gasoline. We will send troops to the border, but they won't do anything. All wiretapping is done within the law and only against al-Qaeda, but if the NSA doesn't warrantlessly spy on innocent citizens, the terra'ists will hijack a dirty shoe bomb. We are winning the war on Terra' but there are so many suspects that every single telephone conversation anyone ever makes must be scrutinized. We don't have secret gulags around the world where we torture people, but in these non-existent places, the prisoners deserve what they get. The MORONARCHY isn't doing anything illegal, but reporting on all of the illegal things they are doing undermines national security. Iraq has a new government and everything's perfect, but the insurgency is unstoppable and it will cost another couple hundred billion dollars. TaxCutsForTheRich have stimulated the economy but unless millionaires receive an additional seventy billion dollars immediately, the economy will collapse overnight. Fatherland Security is in control of everything, but they can't even clean up after rain storms. President MORON's sinking polls don't matter, but he will do anything, even go to Arizona and personally hunt down "mojados" in a dune buggy to turn them around. Banana Republicans who are full of "new" ideas -- like continuing to plunder the treasury, continuing to bungle the wars, continuing to run up the national debt, continuing to peddle their votes to the highest bidders, resuming gay-bashing, and as always, spreading fear and division at every turn -- can do no wrong; but if Democrats even think of changing anything, they hate America. Yet through it all, President MORON can take comfort in this one unwavering truth: twenty-nine percent of Americans still buy this shit.
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I've already eavesdropped on your phone call, Senator and you needn't worry. In Iran, we'll actually plant the WMDs!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As General Michael "I Can Hear You Now!" Hayden's confirmation hearing resumes here on Monday, the Banana Republicans will continue to pretend to object to the NSA's ever-widening warrantless spy effort, which now includes a database of every telephone call ever made since nine-one-one, while really allowing Hayden to slip off the hook. Since he is not even capable of stating that waterboarding is wrong, there is no chance that he will acknowledge that there can not possibly be two hundred eighty million suspects in this country. As Hayden is still a commissioned Air Force General, the CIA (the new AIC) will now work in reverse with Hayden taking direct orders from President MORON, The DICK and RUMMY and ginning up whatever "intelligence" they request (let the slam-dunk Medals of Freedom fly!). The rubber stamp is already inked.
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