Look, If I start telling the truth now, it might set a dangerous precedent
WARSHINGTON, DC - The TORTURER -- Attorney General and titular head of The Department Formerly Known as Justice -- appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee this week after canceling a family vacation and spending two full weeks practicing telling the truth to a mock Senate panel. Apparently, what he really did was sneak off to the paradise his memos created, Abu Ghraib, for a little electro-shock memory-wipe. Even with the said fourteen full days focused on nothing but the politically motivated firing of eight US Attorneys, he still had to say, "I do not recall," nearly fifty times before lunch. The usually slimy, dissembling, deceptive MORONARCHY mouthpiece truly outdid himself this time. While whipping violently back and forth between, "I was out of the loop," and, "I take full responsibility," The TORTURER was unable to explain why he chose to lie about the firings when telling the truth would have exonerated him completely. Not surprisingly, as soon as The TORTURER got off the hot seat, The MORONARCHY weighed in stating that President MORON was "thrilled" with the performance. This rather strange reaction goes a long way to explain why The MORONARCHY is in such shambles: gross incompetence is still the coin of the realm.
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So it goes
NEW YORK, NY - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. died yesterday at 84 as a result of brain injuries sustained in a fall several weeks ago.
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It's only funny when it happens to a Democrat like Elizabeth Edwards
WARSHINGTON, DC - MORONARCHY Spokes-liar Tony SnowJob was diagnosed with recurring colon cancer, which has now spread to his abdomen and liver. As shock-waves rippled throughout the city his deputy Dana Perino summed it up this way, "It is so unexpected that SnowJob still has colon cancer because he is widely regarded as a perfect asshole."
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Sorry about that, Chief!
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Taliban Agent 86 was unable to effectuate regime change at Number One Observatory Circle (not to mention Number None-of-Your-Business Undisclosed Underground Location Way) when his Maxwell Smart-bomb went off early here yesterday.
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WARSHINGTON, DC - The long national nightmare is coming to an end. There are still two more years of this lying, cheating, stealing, torturing, killing MORONARCHY, but from now on, there will be accountability. Fed up with the corruption, the horribly failed illegal immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq, the greed, the scandal, the bribery, the hypocrisy and the complete distortion of reality, Americans across the country decided enough was enough. The House of Representatives is now in Democratic control. The Senate (as soon as Senator Macaca pulls his head out of his ass) will also be controlled by the human race again. And, as if that weren't enough of a corker, RUMMY cut-and-ran today! It took six loooooooooooooooong years, eight trillion dollars we don't have, and the deaths of six hundred fifty thousand innocent people, but it has finally happened. Since President MORON only gave us two choices and one was raising taxes -- which no one wants -- the message from the ballot box could not have been more clear: America is pro-terra'ist!
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V O T E
WARSHINGTON, DC - Vote. Only fifty percent of Americans EVER do.
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You don't have the guts to vote!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As the election draws near, Banana Republicans know you are too stupid to notice what they have been doing. You are going to forget that they utterly failed to protect the American people from terrorists on Nine-One-One; that they used that failure as a false pretense to begin revoking your civil rights; that they invaded and occupied two countries and caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent people; that they are in fact losing both wars simultaneously because they have no idea what they are doing; that they have raised taxes on every American by borrowing eight trillion dollars to give away to their cronies in no-bid contracts; that they endorse torture as a "Family Value"; that they have wasted hundreds of billions of dollars on false security while doing absolutely nothing to provide any real security; that they were unable to rescue the people New Orleans from a rain storm; that they tolerate such a high level of corruption that even after pleading guilty, they allow Rubber Stampresentatives to continue serving; that they have done absolutely nothing for the American people in the legislature; and that their desire to hold on to power is so overwhelming that they would rather cover up a case of child molestation than lose a committee chair. You are going to forget because they will distract you once again with stupid fabricated issues like illegal immigration, flag burning and gay marriage. And of course, you are going to forget because they have called anyone who questions their policies a traitor, a cut-and-runner and a coward. You are going to forget because they are going to pretend terrorists are lurking everywhere and the only appropriate reaction is to cower in fear. And while you aren't looking, and while you are forgetting to vote, they are going to steal another election right out from under you, and you are going to do nothing. Perhaps the Banana Republicans are right...
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We're takin' yer liquids, but we're still servin' baloney!
GREEN BAY, WI - President MORON landed here today, taking precious time off from his ten day vacation (anyone else notice Rome is burning?), to let us know that another imaginary terra'ist plot has been foiled in London. Yesterday, The DICK said, "Voting for Ed Lamont is the same as voting for terra'ists which is just intolerable." Just as Iraqi, Palestinian, and Lebanese votes against totalitarian ultraconservatism were countermanded by veto or assassination, the people of Connecticut are being punished for rejecting Joe "Kiss Me, President MORON" Lieberman (didn't The Banana Republicans themselves call him "Sore Loserman?"). So, for the first time since the last election cycle (figure the odds!), our threat level has been elevated. Somehow, terra'ists are able to smuggle "liquid explosives" in their carry-on luggage, but they are unable to place them in their checked baggage (stupid terra'ists!). Make no mistake, there was no plot in London. There is no threat to the US other than The MORONARCHY itself.
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Ach! Nein means Nein!
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - With his approval ratings threatening to fall lower than his IQ, and the reality that it might be really tough to fix this Fall's midterm elections, the MORONARCHY apparently thought it would be a good idea for President MORON to get out a little before his annual 5 week TEXASS Summer vacation. Well, the first thing you know, there's a bunch of millionaires, neoconfolk said George you should probably be there, since the G8 Summit was the place you ought to be, so they loaded up the plane and flew to Germany. Thus, President MORON was set loose on his own reckon'aissance and hit the road for the Summer 2006 Hubris & Comedy World Tour to meet with those other richfolk countries. President MORON first arrived in Germany to meet with his newest, bestest friend, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, while, ironically, World War III (as the Banana Republicans would have you believe) threatened to break out in the Middle East. When asked "Does it concern you that the Beirut airport has been bombed... And do you see a risk of triggering a wider war?" President "What Me Worry" MORON did not disappoint and responded by relying on the only thing he could read that day, the dinner menu. "I thought you were going to ask me about the pig," The crowd went crazy as it was clear that the White House doctors had forgotten to increase his Prozac dosage for the trip.
And... it only got better. On to Moscow for the actual G8 summit where President MORON first got a raucous reaction as he 'lectured' Russian host Vladimir Putin on democracy, freedom of religion, and a free press. Then, in a brilliant demonstration of unitary presidential powers, President MORON appeared to get a taste of his own medicine when his conversation with toadie Tony Blair and Chinese President Hu Jintao was caught on a live microphone. President MORON, the self-proclaimed morality leader of the universe, was clearly preaching to the rest of the world about how not to behave when he "pretended" to unleash a profanity laced and ignorant view of the current Middle East conflict. Then, and this is great, he feigned shock and awe to President Hu about the fact that Chiner is a big country. He awesomely attempted to bring himself down to the lower intellectual level of the Chinese, "But heh heh, it's not their fault," and asked of Hu, "You eight hours? Me too. Rusher's a big country and yer a big country. Takes him eight hours to fly home ... Rusher's big and so is Chiner. Yo Blair, what'cha doin? Are ya' leavin?" (Tony Blair had finally noticed that the microphone was still on). It simply leaves one breathless, and proud to be an Amerkin.
Ah, but the free world demanded an encore and President MORON did not disappoint. As the G 8/10 (China, India?) economic leaders were sitting down to discuss the most pressing problems of the day, President MORON walked straight up to the already seated Angela Merkel and proceeded to give her a Texas "Noose" Rub. White House Fox News spokesman Tony Snow dismissed the potentially embarrassing incident as nothing more than a misunderstanding. "The President has apologized to Chancellor Merkel for any appearance of impropriety. He saw the banner hanging over the discussion table, written in Russian I might add, and simply thought it was either freshman rush week at Moscow University or that he was at a clemency hearing. Anyone can make that mistake"
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It's simply, my friends, another personal attack on your freedom by the liberal drive-by press. I was only there for the stogies
PALM BEACH, FL - The Banana Republican's favorite Big Fat Drug Addicted Idiot was "detained" for more that three hours Monday at Palm Beach International Airport after a customs officer checked his bags and found that he was indeed big, fat, an idiot, and had a vial full of big blue pills. According to Flori'duh authorities, Mr. Big was nabbed with 29 caps of the erectile disfunction aid Viagra upon returning on a private flight from a long weekend in the Dominican Republic, which is popularly known for its (a) baseball, (b) beaches, and (c,d,e) brothels. Apparently, there was a slight problem because the love drugs were not prescribed to Mr. Fat, but rather were prescribed to two different doctors, who, according to his attorney, had listed the drugs under their names to protect Mr. Drug's privacy. This clearly was uncomfortable for Mr. Addicted as he is currently on probation following his recent April plea agreement for PHYSICIAN SHOPPING for 2,000 hits of Oxycontin, or, as we say in Texas, hillbilly heroin. An unfazed Mr. Boil-On-His-Ass-To-Avoid-Vietnam joked about the latest drug bust on his Tuesday radio infomercial, saying customs officials didn't believe him when he said he got the pills from Bill Clinton, and/or that he thought the "Bob Doles" were blue M&Ms. He further quipped "I had a great time in the Dominican Republic. Wish I could tell you about it." Well, it's a good bet that he wasn't there to (a) buy baseballs, or (b) walk Boca Chica in a thong (hopefully), which of course leaves c,d,and e. I guess the good news in all of this is that eventually we may be able to watch Daryn Kagen again without getting nauseous.
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