WORLD WAR FUCKING THREE?
Monday, October 22, 2007, 10:08 PM - Jay O-Three
;)
If my voice isn't shrill enough, I can keep ratcheting up! I want this, and I will say absolutely anything to git you to let me bomb Iran!
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON, not satisfied with the innocent blood he has already shed, has started the same ridiculous drumbeat that brought us such gems as, "We don't want the smokin' gun to be a mushroom cloud." This time, his imaginary boogeyman is Iran! When Americans balked at starting another war of choice because they didn't believe the profit margin on oil really needed to be any higher, The MORONARCHY stepped it up a notch. By the Banana Republican way of thinking, you should thank your lucky stars you are only required to pay more for oil! Outrageous profits for oil companies are a small price to pay to avoid World War Fucking Three. Even though Turd Blossom has slithered away, his spirit lives on. When you need a diversion from greed and corruption as vast as The MORONARCHY's, nothing beats a good scare. Fear-mongering is a way of life in CRAWFISH. Duck and cover, boys!
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( 3 / 10052 )TURD BLOSSOM FLUSHED, SNOWJOB MELTED, TORTURER WATERBOARDED, BETRAY-US HOLDING HIS THIRTY PIECES OF SILVER AND PRESIDENT MORON STILL LOSING A WAR TO A DEAD GUY
Monday, September 24, 2007, 10:19 PM - Jay O-Three
Where'd everybody go? I still have more lies to tell!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As The MORONARCHY begins to slip beneath the waves, President MORON still can't figure out how to shoot his way to peace in Iraq. The rats are leaving the sinking ship, and only The DICK remains steadfast. Full steam ahead, boys!
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( 3 / 8380 )SCOOTER SKATES!
Monday, July 2, 2007, 10:15 PM - Jay O-Three
;)
The DICK told me: Even when I smile I have to keep my mouth shut!
WARSHINGTON, DC - Well, there is absolutely no limit to the HUBRIS of The MORONARCHY. Today, after repeatedly promising that anyone involved in the illegal disclosure of the identity of a covert Central Intelligence Agency operative would be "brought to justice," instead, President MORON commuted the sentence of the one and only person convicted of five counts of Grand Jury Perjury and Obstruction of Justice in that very disclosure. The inconsistency (which they dismissed with the now familiar, "The MORONARCHY is Above the Law" doctrine) was deemed necessary because it was the only way to keep Scooooooooooter from spilling his guts about The DICK's other high crimes and misdemeanors. But, nonetheless, the fact is now incontrovertible: The MORONARCHY has aided and abetted an Act of High Treason During Wartime. So, while we Americans celebrate our Independence Day this week, we might be well advised to look into the significance of France's Independence Day -- what they like to call "Bastille Day" -- which they celebrate on July 14. Perhaps it is no longer a foreign entity which oppresses us.
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( 3 / 9271 )FAREWELL, FALWELL, STRAIGHT TO HELL!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007, 01:09 PM - Jay O-Three
Division and disharmony, the true measure of any man of the cloth
LYNCHBURG, VA - A self-serving war-loving women-hating homophobic money-grubbing fear-mongering christianity-perverting bible-thumping bigot has breathed his last here today. Beginning in 1979 with the political movement he founded, the Moral Majority (which was neither), he spread his doctrine of sanctimonious intolerance to the masses of credulous Banana Republicans for decades. Purporting to have read the bible -- though obviously skipping the parts about not killing, and not judging others -- he asserted that the god portrayed in there was not one of generosity and forgiveness, but rather one of infinite anger and vengeful retribution. Inasmuch as he despised Muslims, and stated that he would like to, "blow them all away in the name of the lord," he rejoiced in President MORON's decision to start an illegal, immoral religious war against innocent people whose only sin was living in a petroleum rich region (how dare they!). After asserting that the hijackers of nine-one-one were backed by the ACLU and sent to punish gays and lesbians in New York; and that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans because of the women's health clinics there; the hulking hypocrite has finally received a just punishment for the life he himself led. He was found face down, unconscious and unresponsive in a puddle of his own sick. Apparently, that god of his must have become pretty fed up because verily, he did smite him but good!
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( 3 / 9525 )VETOCRISY
Saturday, May 5, 2007, 01:10 PM - Jay O-Three
;)
I claim Fifth Amendment protection against enacting a hate crime law I myself intend to violate
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON, fresh from vetoing funding for his "beloved" troops serving in the illegal immoral occupation of the foreign sovereign nation of Iraq, has threatened to veto what would only be the third bill druing his entire MORONARCHY. This one has to do with extending Federal Hate-Crime protection to people based on their sexual orientation or gender. So, while President MORON can swear on a stack of bibles that he vetoed stem cell research on moral grounds; and while he is again claiming that -- through some unfortunate misinterpretation of a biblical passage he has never actually read -- his god wouldn't want to protect people for "those" reasons; he somehow forgot "what Jesus would do" when he vetoed a bill that would have stopped him from killing any more innocent people in his never-ending war for oil. Within The MORONARCHY, pure greed still trumps human need, and as always, gay bashin' is in fashion!
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( 3 / 9793 )TORTURED RECOLLECTION
Sunday, April 22, 2007, 01:25 PM - Jay O-Three
;)
Look, If I start telling the truth now, it might set a dangerous precedent
WARSHINGTON, DC - The TORTURER -- Attorney General and titular head of The Department Formerly Known as Justice -- appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee this week after canceling a family vacation and spending two full weeks practicing telling the truth to a mock Senate panel. Apparently, what he really did was sneak off to the paradise his memos created, Abu Ghraib, for a little electro-shock memory-wipe. Even with the said fourteen full days focused on nothing but the politically motivated firing of eight US Attorneys, he still had to say, "I do not recall," nearly fifty times before lunch. The usually slimy, dissembling, deceptive MORONARCHY mouthpiece truly outdid himself this time. While whipping violently back and forth between, "I was out of the loop," and, "I take full responsibility," The TORTURER was unable to explain why he chose to lie about the firings when telling the truth would have exonerated him completely. Not surprisingly, as soon as The TORTURER got off the hot seat, The MORONARCHY weighed in stating that President MORON was "thrilled" with the performance. This rather strange reaction goes a long way to explain why The MORONARCHY is in such shambles: gross incompetence is still the coin of the realm.
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( 2.9 / 12758 )KURT VONNEGUT, JR.
Thursday, April 12, 2007, 11:46 AM - Jay O-Three
;)
So it goes
NEW YORK, NY - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. died yesterday at 84 as a result of brain injuries sustained in a fall several weeks ago.
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( 2.9 / 13073 )SURPRISING RECURRENCE
Tuesday, March 27, 2007, 05:02 PM - Jay O-Three
;)
It's only funny when it happens to a Democrat like Elizabeth Edwards
WARSHINGTON, DC - MORONARCHY Spokes-liar Tony SnowJob was diagnosed with recurring colon cancer, which has now spread to his abdomen and liver. As shock-waves rippled throughout the city his deputy Dana Perino summed it up this way, "It is so unexpected that SnowJob still has colon cancer because he is widely regarded as a perfect asshole."
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( 2.9 / 10939 )MISSED HIM BY THAT MUCH
Wednesday, February 28, 2007, 11:57 PM - Jay O-Three
;)
Sorry about that, Chief!
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Taliban Agent 86 was unable to effectuate regime change at Number One Observatory Circle (not to mention Number None-of-Your-Business Undisclosed Underground Location Way) when his Maxwell Smart-bomb went off early here yesterday.
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( 3 / 10173 )REPUDIATION
Wednesday, November 8, 2006, 11:36 PM - Jay O-Three
;)
Kicking Ass
WARSHINGTON, DC - The long national nightmare is coming to an end. There are still two more years of this lying, cheating, stealing, torturing, killing MORONARCHY, but from now on, there will be accountability. Fed up with the corruption, the horribly failed illegal immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq, the greed, the scandal, the bribery, the hypocrisy and the complete distortion of reality, Americans across the country decided enough was enough. The House of Representatives is now in Democratic control. The Senate (as soon as Senator Macaca pulls his head out of his ass) will also be controlled by the human race again. And, as if that weren't enough of a corker, RUMMY cut-and-ran today! It took six loooooooooooooooong years, eight trillion dollars we don't have, and the deaths of six hundred fifty thousand innocent people, but it has finally happened. Since President MORON only gave us two choices and one was raising taxes -- which no one wants -- the message from the ballot box could not have been more clear: America is pro-terra'ist!
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