Keep hating, keep fearing, keep denying, and we will surely prevail!
GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Lost in a fog of self contradiction and misstatements, YAWN MCLAME and Caribou Barbie stumbled through a laughable appearance here yesterday. Caribou Barbie put down one of the snakes she was handling and asserted that she is qualified because she is qualified to be qualified (this sort of indisputable logic is what is going to catapult this team to the White House). But, YAWN MCLAME has even better chops! He has contradicted himself on economic issues repeatedly this week. He said the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and then had to explain that the word "fundamentals" means workers! He said the bailout of AIG was wrong, then had to explain that the word "wrong" means right. Next, he said that he would fire one of his closest cronies, Christopher Cox, as Chairman of the SEC. Sadly, none of his minders had the heart to tell the senile jellyfish that the President does not have the authority to fire the Chairman of the SEC.
But finally, when the comic relief ended and he was pressed on his platform, we experienced "Straight Talk" at its finest:
Senator MCLAME, what is your plan to revitalize the economy? "I am not a black man."
Senator MCLAME, how will you address the growing mortgage crisis? "I nominated a woman."
Senator MCLAME, what will you do for the forty-seven million Americans without health insurance? "I am not a Muslim."
So it's as simple as that: America needs a non-black, woman-nominating, non-Muslim. A platform this finely crafted is bound to succeed. We are just fortunate to live at a time when the bigoted befuddled rantings of a super-annuated invertebrate are all we need to get by. Our future is assured.
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And I am not frightened of dying
LONDON - Rick Wright joins Syd.
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YAWN MCLAME and Caribou Barbie: making history!
WARSHINGTON - Last week, in Saint Paul, The Banana Republicans, after treating us to an entire week of The Wasilla Hillbillies, actually did make history. Yes, for their presidential candidate, not only did they cross race and gender lines, but Species, Genus, Family, Order, Class and even Phylum lines! They actually nominated the first invertebrate (non-chordate) in history when they selected a jellyfish (cnidarian), YAWN MCLAME. After she spoke in tongues, handled a few snakes, and explained that the Iraq war was part of god's plan (sorry, you 4,000 dead soldiers, you were all just god's pawns), he got up and promised to try to start to maybe think about standing up to some unnamed lobbyist in WARSHINGTON. It was a very strong effort because the simple act of standing up must be difficult when the people you profess to oppose are actually running your campaign.
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The Banana Republican Undercard: One Under Investigation, One Convicted of Driving Under the Influence, and One Under-Age and Pregnant
SAINT PAUL - Thanks to Hurricane Gustav, Banana Republicans have dodged a bullet. They don't have to trot out President MORON and The DICK for the usual hate and lie sessions. And, YAWN MCLAME will not have to try and lay off the meds long enough to make a televised speech. But, some things simply can not be overlooked. While Sarah PALE-IN-COMPARISON is out thumping her bible, screaming about her christian beliefs, and crowing about how abstinence only sex education is so effective; her own unmarried seventeen year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant.
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Cynicism or dementia?
WASHINGTON, PA (That's Right, Pennsylvania, not DC) - The clearly intoxicated Empty Suit, YAWN MCLAME, appeared at a rally here today to introduce his running mate, Governor of Alaska for a whole eighteen months, Sara PLAIN. PLAIN, 1984 runner-up to Miss Alaska, wants creationism taught in schools. She wants to take away a woman's right to choose. She is married to someone who will actually be drilling in the ANWR. She loves war. She loves corporations. She hates middle-class Americans. She is personally under investigation by the Alaskan State Legislature for firing someone who would not punish the ex-husband of her sister (yes, even with all those Banana Republicans out there, they couldn't find one who was not under investigation).
YAWN MCLAME (far from the original Maverick, and actually just a very very old gelding) pulled the stunt of selecting "A Woman" for his running mate solely for political reasons. Any woman who is not insulted by this move is simply not paying attention. There is no evidence that this self described hockey-mom has any business working in WARSHINGTON. And yet, they are neck and neck in the polls. It is sad to think that Americans are again going to fall for another empty suit whose only distinction is that he is not the black guy.
If the fix were not already in, and the outcome of this election were not already known, this would seem like a joke in very bad taste.
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When I scratch real hard, I can check for dandruff and get new ideas like drillin’ for more oil!
WARSHINGTON, DC - Although most people have become used to experiencing the annual increase in the cost of living and its associated nausea and watery bowel movements, the episode is more an inconvenience than an illness for those beneficiaries of President MORON’s taxcutsfortherich. Symptoms commonly disappear in a short time and the only important effect is that equity and liquids are temporarily lost from the Dubai timeshare. However, for most Amerkins it may last for weeks or months (or in this case years) accompanied by fever, abdominal cramps, high blood pressure, unemployment, divorce, foreclosure, and denial of basic health care - a clear indication of a more serious form of sickness. This change from the usual pattern of stools and real wage income loss is now recognized as economic diarrhea, although many less "formal" names are sometimes used. Experts argue over the underlying causes of the affliction, but recent developments appear to shed some light on its sources.
With energy company profits at an all time high, one may have discounted the sphincterhold of the POOP (Petrochemical Ownership Of President) on the MORONARCHY. Not to worry. The POOP backed-up Iraqi government is now in the final stages of negotiations for private, no-bid oil production contracts with … surprise!… Shell, BP, Exxon Mobil and Total. When questioned about the many pre- and post-occupation assurances that Iraq oil production was going to pay for the trillion dollars (and counting) of U.S. taxpayer debt for the neverendingwaronterra, the MORONARCHY did not disappoint. "Iraq is a sovereign country, and it can make decisions based on how it feels that it wants to move forward in its development of its oil resources," said White House spokeswoman Dana (IpromiseIwon’twriteabookabouttheadministrationslies) Perino.
In a completely unrelated story, President MORON blamed Democrats for high prices at the gas pump and demanded an end to the ban on offshore oil drilling, increased access to oil shale on public lands, ANWR exploitation and more backyard refineries. “I call on swift action by Congress to support my common sensical plan for Amerker’s energy hitch, the Vacuous Acquisition of Leasin’ and Drillin’ Energy Zones. If congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without takin’ action on my VALDEZ solution, they will need to ‘splain why ya gotta pay ninety dollars to fill up the Chevy 4x4.”
Coincidentally, almost 20 years and 50 billion dollars in legal fees later, the Supreme Court yesterday awarded Exxon’s systematic failure to comply with state and federal environmental disaster safeguards, and lying to Congress about it, by slashing the trial jury’s penal award for the 1989 Valdez oil spill by 90 per cent. The Court wrote that Exxon's recklessness was, in effect, ''profitless'' and therefore the punitive damages awarded to the victims of the spill were, uh, too punitive. Apparently anything that would impede less than a 1000 percent return on investment for energy stockholders is clearly unacceptable and will not be tolerated. So pass the Kaopectate and let the offshore/ANWR drilling begin!
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Tonight's Forecast: Dark
LOS ANGELES - SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER TITS.
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If my voice isn't shrill enough, I can keep ratcheting up! I want this, and I will say absolutely anything to git you to let me bomb Iran!
WARSHINGTON, DC - President MORON, not satisfied with the innocent blood he has already shed, has started the same ridiculous drumbeat that brought us such gems as, "We don't want the smokin' gun to be a mushroom cloud." This time, his imaginary boogeyman is Iran! When Americans balked at starting another war of choice because they didn't believe the profit margin on oil really needed to be any higher, The MORONARCHY stepped it up a notch. By the Banana Republican way of thinking, you should thank your lucky stars you are only required to pay more for oil! Outrageous profits for oil companies are a small price to pay to avoid World War Fucking Three. Even though Turd Blossom has slithered away, his spirit lives on. When you need a diversion from greed and corruption as vast as The MORONARCHY's, nothing beats a good scare. Fear-mongering is a way of life in CRAWFISH. Duck and cover, boys!
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Where'd everybody go? I still have more lies to tell!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As The MORONARCHY begins to slip beneath the waves, President MORON still can't figure out how to shoot his way to peace in Iraq. The rats are leaving the sinking ship, and only The DICK remains steadfast. Full steam ahead, boys!
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