No, my colon, not COLON Powell... No, SnowJob, SnowJob, there is no blue dress... Yes, I did say tarbaby! Come on, this is The MORONARCHY after all!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As a Faux News reporter actually set up shop inside The MORONARCHY this week as the new press secretary, it became apparent that the usually seamless disinformation system is completely broken. While Tony SnowJob might well have several more euphemisms for "ongoing investigation" than his gelatinous predecessor did, that wasn't the problem President MORON needed solved. It does not matter whether one has spent years lying into a TV camera or one has just learned to read, nobody can say completely contradictory things and make them stick. It is not that The MORONARCHY has run out of lies, it is that the lies now collide with each other so often that reality is peeking through. Immigrants are ruining the country, but we need a permanent underclass of shadow workers. The sky will fall if lettuce costs an extra dime but the economy can tolerate any price for gasoline. We will send troops to the border, but they won't do anything. All wiretapping is done within the law and only against al-Qaeda, but if the NSA doesn't warrantlessly spy on innocent citizens, the terra'ists will hijack a dirty shoe bomb. We are winning the war on Terra' but there are so many suspects that every single telephone conversation anyone ever makes must be scrutinized. We don't have secret gulags around the world where we torture people, but in these non-existent places, the prisoners deserve what they get. The MORONARCHY isn't doing anything illegal, but reporting on all of the illegal things they are doing undermines national security. Iraq has a new government and everything's perfect, but the insurgency is unstoppable and it will cost another couple hundred billion dollars. TaxCutsForTheRich have stimulated the economy but unless millionaires receive an additional seventy billion dollars immediately, the economy will collapse overnight. Fatherland Security is in control of everything, but they can't even clean up after rain storms. President MORON's sinking polls don't matter, but he will do anything, even go to Arizona and personally hunt down "mojados" in a dune buggy to turn them around. Banana Republicans who are full of "new" ideas -- like continuing to plunder the treasury, continuing to bungle the wars, continuing to run up the national debt, continuing to peddle their votes to the highest bidders, resuming gay-bashing, and as always, spreading fear and division at every turn -- can do no wrong; but if Democrats even think of changing anything, they hate America. Yet through it all, President MORON can take comfort in this one unwavering truth: twenty-nine percent of Americans still buy this shit.
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I've already eavesdropped on your phone call, Senator and you needn't worry. In Iran, we'll actually plant the WMDs!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As General Michael "I Can Hear You Now!" Hayden's confirmation hearing resumes here on Monday, the Banana Republicans will continue to pretend to object to the NSA's ever-widening warrantless spy effort, which now includes a database of every telephone call ever made since nine-one-one, while really allowing Hayden to slip off the hook. Since he is not even capable of stating that waterboarding is wrong, there is no chance that he will acknowledge that there can not possibly be two hundred eighty million suspects in this country. As Hayden is still a commissioned Air Force General, the CIA (the new AIC) will now work in reverse with Hayden taking direct orders from President MORON, The DICK and RUMMY and ginning up whatever "intelligence" they request (let the slam-dunk Medals of Freedom fly!). The rubber stamp is already inked.
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Keep lyin' or I'll jes' find someone else who will!
WARSHINGTON, DC - The MORONARCHY has spent ths weekend spinning the firing of current CIA Director Porter "Torture is Fun!" Goss. Pretending his disagreement with the NID (National Intelligence Director, John "That Depends on What the Definition of Intelligence Is" Negroponte) is somehow the cause of his sudden urge to "spend more time with his family," President MORON is once again obfuscating the real reason for this change. Apparently, even a dyed-in-the-wool Banana Republican as slimy as Goss was not immune to that fatal disease which has felled so many of his colleagues of late: a conscience! As President MORON ramps up the evidence-falsification, the simple-minded fear-mongering, the swaggering Neanderthalesque jawbone-swinging and the pathetic saber-rattling against Iran -- with another illegal immoral war causing the deaths of thousands and thousands of innocent people already a foregone conclusion -- Goss has weighed an ill-gotten Medal-of-Freedom millstone against the tonnage of guilt his requisite lies would produce, and opted out. His replacement, retired Air Farce General Michael "Somebody's Watching You" Hayden, has much more of a stomach for this sort of thing, having overseen the illegal warrantless wiretapping of thousands of American citizens while directing the National Security Agency. President MORON, the Decider, commented, "With my poll numbers in the tank, and with two failed wars on my hands and another one on the way, now is not the time for some loose cannon to start tellin' the truth!"
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Only a thousand days left? I've still got a lot of pockets to line and a whole hell of a lot of bombs to drop!
WARSHINGTON, DC - There are still one thousand too many days of The MORONARCHY left (or as The DICK would say, we are in the last throes -- if you will -- of The MORONARCHY). A nuclear attack on Iran will take only one of those days. As President MORON sinks to the lowest approval rating of any president in history, and as the numerous failures his gross incompetence has caused become harder and harder to spin, this may be the darkest period of all. With bin Laden's latest release dropping, with a completely (thankfully) stalled domestic agenda, and with nothing to lose, there will be little else for Banana Republicans to do but get while the gettin's good. Lying, cheating, stealing, torturing and killing! There is nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal. At least tomorrow, we're down to triple digits.
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I... just... can't... lie... anymore!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As the MORONARCHY's new Chief of Staff continues the rearrangement of deck chairs on the Titanic, a familiar face gets the axe. Scott "Ongoing Investigation" McClellan has been thrown overboard, or "sentenced to spend more time with his family." After stonewalling the spineless Warshington Press Corps for a couple years now, and after being caught in numerous incontrovertible prevarications, McClellan, an absolutely terrible liar with a pathetic shit-eating grin, was apparently spotted on his hands and knees begging President MORON for permission to tell the truth -- the one and only sin President MORON will not excuse. He will not be missed. By anyone.
Policy Shmolicy! I just like trashing people.
In another change, Turd Blossom will no longer even have to pretend he is interested in policymaking. He has been "demoted" to The MORONARCHY's Chief Assassin of Character, a job he has been doing anyway for the last five years. Turd Blossom has actually been observed softening up his voice for the malicious whisper campaigns to come. No longer responsible for the justification of President MORON's lying, cheating, stealing, torturing and killing agenda, he will now devote his full effort to swift-boating retired generals, besmirching the patriotism of Democrats, making innuendos about opposition candidates' sexual orientation, immigrant bashing and his particular specialty, irrational fear-mongering.
As evidence that all of this is no more than shuffleboard, President MORON, or "The Decider" as he now calls himself, has reiterated his unwavering support for the Socipathic Secretary of Offense, RUMMY. As the quagmire in Iraq deepens after President MORON's illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of that foreign sovereign nation, and as the exact same false accusations used in the run up to that fiasco are recycled against Iran, it is clear that he has no intention of making amends. President MORON expressed his need for someone who doesn't bat an eyelash over sending thousands and thousands of troops to their deaths in a war of conquest. As the price of oil climbs ever higher, and as the purveyors (or "pushers" in President MORON's addiction metaphor) reap ever greater profits, it is clear that there is no morality at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and not even an ounce of shame. But there aren't any lifeboats left, the iceberg isn't going anywhere, and no matter how those deck chairs are arranged, the sea floor is calling. Bon voyage, President MORON!
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You can take the thug out of the prairie, but you can't take the petty out of the thug
WARSHINGTON, DC - As the evidence of corruption continues to mount, and a second of his staff members pleads guilty to corruption and money laundering, indicted Rubber Stampresentative, failed Majority Leader and former bug killer, Tom "Cash and Carry" "How's My Mugshot?" Delay, was forced to resign! Woo hoo! After his body emerged from under the bus, Banana Republicans from President MORON on down to Majority Whip Roy "Blunt Force Trauma" Blunt had nothing but praise for his adherence to their core values: greed, corruption, gay-bashing, race-baiting, fear-mongering, illegal and immoral invasions of foreign sovereign nations, and occasionally shooting lawyers in the face. When asked for comment, newly minted jailbird, Jack "Pay to Play" Abramoff said, "That guy was a master! He could be wagging his finger at a news camera with one hand (assassinating the character of a Democrat) while at the same time, have the other hand out to take one of my bribes." Delay himself lamented all the corrupt underhanded reprehensible deeds he had to undertake just to gerrymander himself a seat, only to wind up having nothing to look forward to but an orange jumpsuit. Maybe the Delay worldview would have been more successful if all Americans, not just Banana Republicans, behaved more like termites...
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Not here either
ORANJESTAD, ARUBA - President MORON decided to continue his spring break here on this Caribbean island, and like others before him, he has been reported missing. According to Secret Service Agents, he was last seen cavorting in vairous nightclubs, yelling about jobs Americans wouldn't take, when he somehow slipped away from his security detail.
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You're not filming this, are you?
CANCUN, MEXICO - After delivering three speeches full of falsehoods regarding The MORONARCHY's absolute failure to win the war in Iraq this week, President MORON (apparently thinking that those speeches were the equivalent of cramming for exams) decided it was time to hook up with the other North American right-wing heads of state down here for SPRIIIIING BREAAAAAK!!! In keeping with his illusory dry-drunk image, he promised The LAURON he would only do body-shots of unfermented agave syrup and drink only near-Coronas. However, once President MORON, Canada's Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Mexico's President Vicente Fox (The Three Caballeros) got out on their own, well, it is Cancun after all...
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Hey, after five and a half years, you can't hold one little twinge of integrity against me!
WARSHINGTON, DC - After a particularly severe week of blatant distortions about how great the illegal, immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq is going, President MORON was actually able to infuriate one of the inner circle of The MORONARCHY: Andrew "Put Down the 'Pet Goat,' We Are Under Attack" Card! Yes, one of the oiliest, most tenacious rats is now fleeing the sinking ship, only to be replaced by another insider, the equally plague-ridden former CIA man (under Daddy), former Assistant Chief of Staff and current Director of the Office of Management and Budget, Josh "What's a Deficit?" Bolten because there is no need for fresh blood, and a crony's a crony. President MORON said, "Well, Andy came in the other day holdin' his head and swearin' that if he had to cover for another one of my failures, his brain would explode!" For the record, Card is still a rat, the ship is most assuredly still sinking (except for that rock-solid thirty-four percent approval rating) and trading one yes-man for another will not help The MORONARCHY in any way. The shake-up has begun!
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Pick our lettuce, clean our hotels, cook our meals, mind our kids, build our houses, and then go home!
WARSHINGTON, DC - As another campaign season looms, and hundreds of thousands of people are protesting in the streets, Banana Republicans find themselves divided over two of their most chreished values: hatred and greed. While the traditional hate-based racists (led by Wisconsin Banana Republican James Sensenbrenner) want to criminalize the very color of undocumented workers' skin, the new-school greed-oriented corporatists -- in the hospitality, agriculture, and construction industries -- want to make a new slave-worker class that will enjoy no protections whatsoever, but still be available for sub-minimum-wage exploitation. Some Banana Republican Senators and Rubber-Stampresentatives are so confused, they can't figure out how to blame Democrats, "The Media" or the terra'ists. Fortunately, demagogic box-turtle-phobic Senator John Cornyn of Texas has proposed a compromise: permanent detention centers! Workers will staff underpaying jobs every day and then immediately proceed and report to their concentration camps where they will remain, out of sight and out of mind, until their next shifts begin. Even in the midst of such great turmoil, it is a relief to know that cynical Banana Republicans can be counted on to sink to a new level of hypocrisy!
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